He doesn’t need your help…

Are you a planner? I am … not as bad as I used to be, but I still like a loose agenda.

There was a time in my life that I wanted everything scripted. Not sure if it was a want or a need but I do know that it made me feel: productive, safe, accomplished. Life often has a way of leading you down a winding road. More than not, I became irritated me when things did not follow the very straight and narrow plan that I had laid out. Finally, things went to hell in a hand basket … so I ran away.

When I was a senior in high school, I very much wanted to go away to college and thankfully for me my parents had the means to make that dream come true. I had a solid grade point average and good standardized test scores, so I could about go anywhere my heart desired. I applied all over the country from Syracuse to Lynchburg to Fort Collins. I wanted to go to college in a beautiful place in the great outdoors with trees and mountains, maybe some water. Somewhere very different from Texas; although I did apply and was accepted to Texas A&M which was my first in-state choice. Looking back, I kick myself for not applying to the University of Hawaii…d-u-m-b-a-s-s.

I settled on Colorado State in Fort Collins. I sent in my information, got my roommate assignment and was ready to go. My father had a hard time with the idea of my being so far away, but my mother was always supportive. My best friend and my boyfriend were both going to Texas Tech. That triangle of doom, all put the pressure on me to stay and go to Lubbock. I caved (because I was weak and stupid), applied late and followed them to Tech, sight unseen. Imagine my shock and eventual disappointment, understanding I had traded green, glorious Colorado mountains for West Texas sand.

I wasn’t totally unhappy with my decision though because I had friends. No starting over in a new place with new people. I had a built-in group with which to gallivant. Plus, when out of money, I could elect to drive the seven hours home and do laundry and eat for free.

What I didn’t know then that I do know now is that sometimes, fresh starts are necessary; needed like the air we breathe for God to have His way in us. Just I had my senior year, around my January birthday, I found myself pregnant. I chose, this time all by myself to have a second abortion. My grades dropped. I was put on academic probation. Since I did not like Lubbock and it wasn’t where I really wanted to be, I decided over the summer to formulate a new life plan. Right on time, a high school friend whom I hadn’t spoken to in the year since graduation, called from Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Her employer was looking for another nanny. This nanny job came with a guaranteed position with the ski corporation since she was the head of human resources. I went out for an interview and quite literally, did not come back.

I called my parents, told them I got the job and asked them to send my stuff. I loved it there for the moment I stepped off the airplane. It felt like home and to be honest, still when I find myself in Colorado, I get that homey feeling inside but the politics doesn’t agree with me as I have very much, become a Texan … squirrel! I strategized a new plan for staying in Colorado long term that included continuing to work as nanny plus for the ski corp, getting a Colorado driver’s license and becoming a legitimized citizen of state thereby earning myself and my parents the hefty savings of in-state tuition. Tada! But like an idiot when the ex-boyfriend came calling which he did because not only had I told him “no” but was now living in a completely kick ass place, I gave in and once again, God help me…pregnant.

I was not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom and hoped for the day I would find “the one” so I could settle down and have babies. I was the girl who thought after I establish myself in a career, I will find someone suitable and then have a baby or two IF I never had to give up what I had accomplished. But God has a VERY different plan and He used my sin, weakness and stupidity to achieve His goals for my life…mother. The irony, if you know me now is that I am not only mother to my own but mama to many and the Sunday morning God revealed His whole plan to me with regards to my role as mama resulted in a story that is beloved of my sweet, amazing little church in Boerne, Texas as it is a calling card of how we try to love one another there as a congregation but that is a story for another time…wink, wink.

I guess the point I am making here, hopefully is that God has a plan for us from the moment we were a twinkle in His eye… “Eternal One: Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you. Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you to be My prophet to speak My word to the nations” Jeremiah 1:5 (The Voice). These words weren’t just for Jeremiah and God tells us again in Psalm 139:16, “You see all things; You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb; Every detail of my life was already written in Your book; You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.”  “But God—who set me apart even before birth and called me by His grace—chose, to His great delight, to reveal His Son in me so I could tell His story among the outsider nations” Galatians 1:15-16.

While I believe His plan for all of us is the same: to find Him, get to know Him, fall in love with Him and then help others find their way to the same … no two of us have the same path, abilities and gifts. No two of us can have the same affect on the world. Each of us is unique, special, distinct; not unlike the snowflakes He creates each winter. I am a mother and hopefully becoming the writer He intends me to be; while you may cook, sing, organize or evangelize…so many, MANY other gifts and talents out there each needed to help satisfy His plan for not only your life but the World.

Every time… EVERY SINGLE TIME… I try to plan what I think my life should be, God reworks, reorganized or just plain demolishes my idea but I have finally come to understand the extremely unnerving truth of both Jeremiah 29:11 (look it up if you don’t know) but more importantly Isaiah 55:8-9 which says, “My intentions are not always yours, and I DO NOT GO ABOUT THINGS AS YOU DO. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth” (emphasis mine).

I do not have to chase after what I think I need: man, money, vacation but can relax back into Him knowing that He will provide what I need when I need it. Not always easy, I know but truth nonetheless. I pray that we come to know that we know that we KNOW, He doesn’t need our help because when we can finally, truly, wholly walk in that place, right there… ya know what’s lacking? Nada! We have no fear because we lack nothing as perseverance has done its work in us, molding into maturity and completeness in Him AND when you do not fear, Satan gets freaked out because you now accurately understand the power of the name above all names, Jesus.

I LOVE my babies and I would never take back a single thing, no matter how painful that lead me to becoming their mother. They are daily evidence of the grace God gave and continues to give me. My other sweetnesses (shut up, it is a word now LOL) …they allow me to continue to hope, grow, teach and learn. Each one of those girls without fail in very different ways, helps me learn how to love Him better and He in turn, teaches me how to love them more completely and that right there, puts all are feet on His solid ground.

My plan sucked but His left me with joy unspeakable and full of glory…

I don’t take chances… I take risks.

I grew listening to Abba. My mother is a fan and some of my fondest memories is of my sisters and I singing along to their songs while running errands or on road trips.  One of my favorites of their songs is Take a Chance on Me.  The lyrics go…take a chance on me, gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Nothing seemingly wrong with that message unless you happen to be the daughter of Candace Kruse. Long before Yoda, my Mama said: do or do not; there is no try.

The world is constantly telling us to take chance on something new: try a new career, try dating a new person, try a new look and so on. I am not afraid of change. In fact, generally, I welcome it because change is how we learn. New experiences teach us about God, ourselves, others and the world around us but isn’t there a better way than simply spinning the roulette wheel of life and hoping for a better outcome? Dating someone new isn’t going to help if the problem is really you. Same goes for a new job or career.

I propose we learn to take risks and not chances.

So, what is the difference between a chance and a risk? Webster defines chance as the occurrence and development of events in the absence of any obvious design. Whereas risk is defined as the possibility that something unpleasant or unwelcome will happen.  On the surface, taking a chance sounds better that taking a risk but read between the lines…one is absent of design.

God calls us regularly to take risks. He calls us into the deep water to renew and grow our faith. When thinking of risk taking in the Bible, the story that comes to my mind is The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  Old school King James version refers to the money the rich man leaves his most trusted servants as talents. I know Jesus let us all hear the story using THAT word on purposely because He wants us to understand something very important when we read this passage: don’t misuse what I give you.  As our Creator, He has in fact made each one of us unique with our own talents and abilities, looks and laughs. You are the only you He made and only you can influence the specific people He has cross your path in the way that you can. Don’t get me wrong, He can use anybody to do anything as He is God, but He made us each special with a purpose all our own and He did this deliberately, proving our singular value to Him as our God.  He is GREAT like that!

Anyway, just in case you don’t know the story, here is my version of the events: rich dude needs to go out of town and he doesn’t want commerce to stop in his absence. He gathers up three of his most trusted servants, all of which have different gifts and abilities. He leaves them money to invest according to their talents. Each on receives a different amount.  The first guy doubles the amount left to him. Same goes for the second guy.  Third guy is gripped by the fear of failure, so he decides the safest course of action is to bury his in the ground where it will be safe until his master returns. Rich guy returns and calls his servants together to see how they’ve done since he was away. First guy reports he double the money. Again, same goes for the second guy. The Master’s response to them was: “well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord” (KJV). The third guy tells his Master: “Look, sir. I know that you are a hard man to please and you’re a shrewd and ruthless businessman who grows rich on the backs of others. I was afraid of you, so I went and hid your money and buried it in the ground. But here it is—take it, it’s yours” (TPT).  Now, here is where it gets hardcore…

Matthew 25: 26-30 “Angered by what he heard, the master said to him, ‘You’re an untrustworthy and lazy servant! If you knew I was a shrewd and ruthless business man who always makes a profit, why didn’t you deposit my money in the bank? Then I would have received it all back with interest when I returned. But because you were unfaithful, I will take the one thousand gold coins and give them to the one who has ten thousand. For the one who has will be given more, until he overflows with abundance. And the one with hardly anything, even what little he has will be taken from him. Then the master said to his other servants, Now, throw that good-for-nothing servant far away from me into the outer darkness, where there will be great misery and anguish!’” (TPT).

He isn’t calling us to take a chance. God ALWAYS has a plan.  His plans DO NOT FAIL. He is calling us to take a calculated risk…to trust Him. I don’t know about you, but I do not want to be removed from God into outer darkness in misery and anguish. 2 Timothy 1:7 (The Passion Translation) reminds us:  For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control.  In John 14:27 Jesus himself tells us, “I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous! Romans 8:28 tells us: we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. These words confirm to us that we do not need to fear taking any risk He calls us to because He gave us His peace via the Holy Spirit in us and He is always weaving together His perfect plan for our lives.

I wish had some pretty way to wrap this all up in a bow with a cherry and a smile but instead I am going to be real here for one moment…it doesn’t have to be a giant thing you do but do something. Don’t squander the talents He has given you. He has been very clear that burying them leads to anguish and misery. Something as small as a compliment, holding a hand or hugging a neck can be a powerful tool in hands moved by God. Just love somebody. That’s really all He is asking.

I am NOT a cheerleader!

When you learn about how to do an appraisal, one of the first things they teach you about is highest and best use. For instance, the used to be a cast iron bathtub, finished in porcelain with elegant clawed feet that is now a planter in your yard or maybe a bird bath in the yard of the redneck next door, isn't worth much in its current state but if you restore it back to its highest and best use...well, now you've got something. This is how the love of God works. It doesn't just see the broken down thing you are; it sees the perfectly created thing He made you to be. It sees your highest and best use.

Speaking with someone Tuesday night and I exclaimed, I am NOT cheerleader! I have never liked cheerleaders or seen the use of them during a game. In fact, I find them distracting from the action. Sit down little, perky girl and let me see the play as it happens...quit blocking my view! Ironically, this is just how God has decided to use me: cheerleader. He has gifted me the spiritual gift of exhortation (Romans 12:6-8). Ironic but isn't that just like Him. He hasn't changed my mind with regards to cheerleaders on the football field, but I do see the highest and best use of my gift: distraction. When I allow God to use me to exhort someone, He uses me to distract them from their current circumstance just long enough, He can turn their head and eyes back to Him.

So, what does it mean to exhort?  When we look at the word in Latin (exhortari) it literally means to thoroughly encourage but Webster’s definition is a bit more elaborate…  to incite by argument or advice : urge strongly : to give warnings or advice : make urgent appeals. Incite means to encourage or stir up, urge or persuade. It might just be me but when I read all of that, at first it feels a bit intense. It feels like a calling to help carry a burden, keep someone headed the right direction, warn them when they are in danger or maybe even asking them to do something they are afraid of while offering to hold their hand through it. It is a calling to be a true friend (Proverbs 18:24).

As I have begun to understand my spiritual gifts, I find they work in tandem with one another. I have the gift of healing although it is the emotional / spiritual kind not the physical and I have the gift of wisdom. I also have the gift of giving which was bestowed upon by my parents. But, the only gift I have outright asked God for is love. I pray almost everyday that He gives me His eyes when I look upon someone. I don’t want to see my eyes see or only what is on the outside. I want to see who He created them to be. I want to see the brokenness and understand it because with understanding comes empathy and compassion. I Corinthians 13:13 tells us the greatest of gift is love. Verse 8 of the same chapter states love will never be obsolete. I John 4:18 tells us there is no fear in love and that perfect love drives out fear. Loving someone properly, the way God does, will always leave that person in a better place than you found them.

I tell everyone I know to read Love Does by Bob Goff. It is such a great book! It shows you how to put love into action. Because in the immortal words of John Mayer: “Love is a verb. It ain’t a thing. It’s not something you. It’s not something you scream. When you show me love, I don’t need your words. Yeah, love ain’t a thing.” BUT it was the forward of the book, written by Donald Miller that sent me down the path to asking God for the gift of love. He wrote about Bob, “I don’t know how to explain Bob’s love except to say it is utterly and delightfully devastating. You simply cannot live the same once you know him.” How beautiful is that! I want to love people like that! So, I asked Him, right then and there to give me the gift of love and as it goes with most things you ask God for like say, patience…you don’t really know what you’re asking Him for until He starts to give it to you.

Loving, the way He loves means you will be hurt. It means you need to understand vulnerability is a strength not a weakness. It means you will have both great joy and great heartache, but it also means He will grow the ability in you to see people like you never have before. You will see their highest and best use and you will not be able to help yourself fighting for it. You will give up your time, your energy, your heart but each time you give something up, you gain more of Him and instead of getting weaker, you get fortified.

I loved a man once that did not love me back and I asked God why. He told me very clearly in ALL relationships, including Him, He from time to time brings us to a place where we must make a choice: you or me. When it came to this man, each time God brought us to that place, I chose him, and he chose himself. Hence, we were both in love with him. At first that hurt me, why did he never choose me and yet tell me he loved me but as time wore on, I came to understand that he couldn’t chose me. His life was not in a place where he could ever put me first. He had other, more important people, mainly God and his children that had to be his priority. The ability to see him through God’s eyes gave me proper perspective and allowed me not to just continue to love him but to love him better.

I still have a long way to go…it is easier to love people right from the start of a relationship than it is to go back and try to love them right out of an old one, if that makes any sense. Relationships have a life and rhythm of their own and the old ones might have some broken chords and off tune choruses that need to be fixed and rewritten to find harmony. That takes time, but God has shown me if I don’t allow the fear of the old keep me from the new, He will fix the old in His time and His time is perfect.

So, I encourage you now to ask God to impart to you the gift of love and expand your understanding of how it works because just like Zac Brown sings, “love is the remedy”.

I hope I never learn...

A couple of things on my mind today...

Firstly, I am reading Undaunted by Christine Caine. It is excellent. You should read it too. Anyway, she says at the end of part two: I've marveled at how Christ breaks us like bread and spreads the pieces of us to even more people - five thousand, ten thousand and more. This, of course is a reference to feeding the hungry crowd during Jesus' sermon on the mount but I loved the metaphor and it got me to thinking about my own life and all my broken pieces.

I feel like broke myself more than others broke me. I decided to get drunk and pass out which resulted in a date rape. I decided to have unprotected sex that lead to abortion. I wanted him to like me so I became more like him and smoked pot, ate mushrooms and snorted coke. I decided I wanted to make my own choice about religion and spent time learning about all the others. I chose to marry a man that loved himself more than me and our children. I chose not to finished college. I chose to put on weight and build walls around myself no one could scale. See, I chose to put myself in places that allowed others to hurt me. I never once asked God in all of that...where do You want me to be. I left myself unprotected and wide open for hurt. BUT! Romans 8:28 says all things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. So, once I decide to pull my head out of my ass and get back in alignment with Him, He can now use all my bad stuff because all means ALL, for good and His glory and He has.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been able to hold the hand of someone who was raped or has had an abortion or who was divorced, loved someone that was an addict, questioned their faith or loved someone that has disappointed them and been able to say me too. Me too and He loves us anyway. Me too and He will use your bad for good because He did it for me. Me too and He forgives us so let me help you find a way to forgive yourself. I am blessed by brokenness in ways I simply could never image. By bringing them into His light, I robbed satan of the ability to use them against me in any way and now they are my weapon against darkness instead of his weapon against light.

Secondly... I have a few people that I love that I have come to understand will never love me back... not really.  They think they do but I quietly suffer their broken love. One in particular runs deeper than the others and sometimes, I get frustrated by the inability to ever grow and want or need me back. Honestly though at this point, I don't even know how not to love this person anymore. No matter what happens, I love. No matter what words are said or not, I love. No matter the price to my heart, I love. Each and every time, I choose to love and I can no longer help it. It has become habit. And isn't that just like God's love. He never learns to love us less no matter how much we muck it up. I often cry over this love. It truly hurts me sometimes but I hope I never learn to quit this love because each time I chose that person over myself, I become more like HIM. That my friends, is the real and true great commission...LOVE. Each and every time we choose to love someone over and beyond ourselves, we get to be more like Jesus. Love is the only thing capable of transforming a heart or mind into something beautiful from something broken. So, I sigh and shed a tear but I hope I never ever learn...

Stupid is as stubborn does...

I have two beautiful children. Both a joy to my heart. Like every mother, I have had my share of dealing with their sometimes stubborn nature. When my son was three, he had this nasty habit of sticking his hand inside the VCR. He would stick his hand inside and I would tell him "no" and he would stop, giggle and run off to play.

One day, he decided to make a stand. He walked over, stuck his hand inside the VCR and looked at me, glaringly. I told him "no" in my normal firm voice but this time, no giggle and no running off. He stood his ground. I walked over and said "no" again this time gently smacking his hand. He did not remove his hand. He did not make eye contact. He stood stiff, defiant. I smacked a wee bit harder. Still nothing.

I began smacking his hand and telling him "no" once every minute. Nothing. Stubborn child stood there, hand in VCR. As the minutes clicked on, I began to understand this was one of those moments that would define our relationship. I am single mom and I needed my son to understand that he needed to obey me. I needed him to know that my "no" meant NO and that I had the wherewithal to go the distance and stand my ground.

As you might imagine though I did not strengthen the intensity of smack, his had begun to get red and puffy. Watching this, my heart began to break but I did not relent, knowing that I wasn't hurting him, but I was teaching him. For me as a mother, it really was one of those "it's hurting me more that it is hurting you moments". I did not want to break his will, but I did need it to bend towards mine.

This went on and on for about an hour. I kept my emotions buried. He needed to see me be strong; to know I meant what I said. Finally, he removed his puffy, red hand from the VCR, turned and said, "Mommy, I am sorry". He threw his arms around my neck and cried for the first time. He cried until he wore himself out and then went to his room, lied down and napped. Then I cried. It sucked but from that point forward, he obeyed me without me having to flex much muscle.

God has lead my life into places over the years that I could not have imagined. Places both high and low...He is teaching me. From time to time, I catch myself standing stiff in defiance and not wanting to bend to His will. I have accused Him of not loving and even punishing me. I have threatened Him (HA! as if I have power over anything but myself). But God is a better father than I am a mother. He did not smack although I am sure He watched in amazement as I smacked myself, repeatedly. He did let me live out the consequences to my stubborn choices.

One night in my bed, room dark...I pulled my hand out of the VCR and I told God, "I surrender". I began down the long road of learning to surrender my stubborn will. I was tired, and I wanted to throw my arms around Him, cry and take a nap. Life has a way of wearing us out when we don't let him protect and lead us or tell us "no". We all love to hear "yes", hate hearing "no" and sometimes ignore the "no" all together but I must admit to you, one of my life's greatest gifts was given to me by God answering "no" to my prayer: my sweet baby girl.

When my children were young, they did not know what was best for themselves. They had to learn. I had to teach them. It was my job as their mother. Sometimes, I have had to let them live out the tough consequences of their bad or stubborn choices. We don't always know what's best for ourselves either and like a good parent, God is always willing to teach and direct but of course, we must quit being stubborn.

The Israelites really struggled with their stubborn hearts. How many trips around mountain did they take before they finally pulled their collective heads out of their asses? They wandered in the desert for 40 years before they finally submitted and were allowed to enter the promised land. I have read their story many times and each time thought: how stupid! We are no different. Most of our sin spinning around the same stubborn attitudes; keeping us from spiritual, financial or physical breakthroughs and from real, abiding love.

As a Type-A , Red, High D, Choleric personality, I know that I am completely capable of making my way happen. I can be VERY stubborn. Each time I force my way, it always ends up a hot mess but for a good, long time I tried again and again. I had a plan and life was not living up to my expectations.

After I surrendered, my attitude changed. I swapped my want for His desire. My prayers transformed from selfish do this or that for me prayers into God tell me: where to go, who to be, who to love. My heart of stone was turned to flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  As my prayers changed, so did my heart and mind. I have often wondered why it took me so long to let Him convert my stubbornness into perseverance because the Bible has some pretty great things to say perseverance:


Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:7

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:36

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.
1 Timothy 4:16

…we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Perseverance produces character. Character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-6

…you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:3-4

Prayer is not a gift.

Oh yeah... Christians reading this are getting pissed just at the title of the post but hold your horses and let me get out what I really believe needs to be said before you judge me...

I have a few friends who believe I have magic prayers. It is their opinion my prayers are more readily answered by God, so when they have something big or person crosses their path that needs prayer, they call me. I am humbled by their belief that my prayers work better than the average person but in truth, all of our prayers work the same. One person's prayers are not more important to God than another. I always tell them that prayer is not a spiritual gift like say: prophecy, healing, interpretation or miracles. Prayer is for everyone. Chances are, if you feel like your's fall on deaf ears, it is because are doing it wrong.

1: Prayer is a conversation.

Prayer is a conversation and as you know, when held properly, conversations are a means of two way communication. I was blessed in that I had some pretty amazing people teach me to pray. My favorite word of advice was from my Uncle Derald, who taught me that if I wasn't speaking to God like He was my very best friend then I was doing it wrong. I took that information to heart and I began praying less like a formal invitation for God to do my will or solve my problems and more like a hey how was your day to day because mine sucked.

To be honest, I have maybe at times taken it a bit too far in that I have yelled and screamed and cussed. A little too informal perhaps but I have also learned to shut up both mind and mouth, Letting my prayers be an open pathway to Him being able to speak directly to me through the Holy Spirit. In those quiet spaces, I find He does in fact, talk back...and clearly BUT I have to be still and willing.

2: Answers, when disliked are ignored.

Answers, when disliked are ignored and hence the second mistake we make is refusing to hear. We keep praying over and over the same dang thing and rant about He doesn't listen or how long He is making me wait. All the while, He is looking down at us, shaking His Holy head, thinking when are they ever gonna listen. Not liking the answer is not the same thing as Him not answering. Do you know the difference? God is not in the business of doing what you want. In fact, He rarely does what I want but never have I found His answer lacking what I need. Now, He may not give me what I want or need in my time frame and I have found myself frustrated more than a time or two at His timing but the bible says in Isaiah 55:8-9:  My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. Being as most of us have God in a box of some sort, it is hard for us to understand that we DO NOT have Him figured out. So if we won't listen, how will we know the answer?  Additionally, if we refuse the answer, how can we hold Him accountable for us not doing what we are told? Directions only work when followed.

I love the idea of adventure but sometimes the actual adventure is scarier than the idea. I am beginning to accept that living a life for God is an adventure. I admit that the more I live for Him, the less I know where I am going and the scarier the adventure becomes BUT the more assured I am that everything is going to be alright. There is a peace in the surrender that just as Philippians 4:7 states: passes all understanding. Living for God at some point if you are doing it right, becomes a total oxymoron of sorts because as the deeper you get into understanding His nature and your part in His creation, the harder everything gets and yet the more you walk by faith not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7), the better you feel. The beginning of swimming in deep waters with Him is scary, at best. I am an excellent swimmer. I can keep my head above water all by myself for a very long time but sooner or later even the best swimmer gets tired. It is in that exact moment when your muscles all give out, your breathing is labored, your chest hurts, you are utterly exhausted, your mind believes you are going to die.. that moment of your greatness weakness that FINALLY you get a true, accurate glimpse of all God is...and you begin to understand that you, not Him, have made it hard because He is buoyant. HIS LOVE FLOATS!

My advice is that you learn from my experience: shut up, listen more, quit fighting Him so hard and swimming against His current. Relax into Him and let Him be your life preserver even if you are capable of winning gold at the Olympics in the 1500 meters.

An introduction:

Trying to decide what to say here even though I am not sure anyone but God is reading is just a little bit intimidating. Hence, today... I am going to post twice: first, I will post what I wrote two years ago to be the introduction to a book that I believe God is calling me to write>  It should help you get to know me a bit if you don't already. To be honest, I haven't read it since I wrote it. Second, some thoughts on prayer.  Enjoy.

…introduction

As I sit down to write to you, I must admit that I am a little afraid.  I am in no way an authority on anything.  I am not sure why God is calling me to be vulnerable to you and to Him in this way when my life is a mess.  I am estranged from my sister and her husband.  I have road rage and potty mouth.  I really like tequila.  I can’t find a date.  Last year was just okay in business.  My son is about to graduate from high school and I can’t seem to wrangle him into nailing down a college.  My daughter is engaged and that part is amazing.  I am overweight and am having a hard time getting my butt back into the gym.  I am wary of the future.  I am not feeling yet all what He is asking me to discuss with you.  I don’t have a college degree.  I would freely admit that I have pretty much done everything backwards.

But I am willing.  I am willing to sacrifice my want for His will.  I am willing to lay down my ideas for His truth.  I am willing to hand over my fears for His confidence.  I am willing.  I am seeking and the Bible says in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

The Message says it like this:  “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

This, I suppose, is the catalog of my journey of letting go of the fussing and learning to relax so that I can respond to His giving.  I miss so much because I don’t always allow myself to be in the moment.  I enjoy what is happening, yes but I do not receive the full measure of it because I don’t allow myself to relax, to trust that God truly has me.

Just because you can justify a behavior, doesn't make it right. Doubt keeps you from confidently walking the path that God has illuminated as His way for your life. 

Sometimes, the hardest thing God can ask us to do is just be still in our current situation. We want to look at it and say why God did you put me here but the truth is, we put ourselves there. He gave us free will choice and our choices lead us to this moment. We don't like the moment and so we look at Him and fuss and pray. He looks back at us and says be still, be patient. We can't handle that so we start moving again and mess it up even more. We do this over and over again until our molehill is a mountain and we shake out fists towards heaven and say things like I hate you, Lord. He shakes his head and continues to love us and continues to ask us to be still. Only in our stillness does He have room to do His work. We need to get out of His way.

The seeds of rebellion are found in the soul. I think (mind), I want (will), I feel (emotions and/or heart). When Jesus speaks to us about how we must die so that He might live, He's speaking to us about crucifying our souls so that He can control our thoughts, our hearts and our will...in this way, He can open us up to everything He has for us: His thoughts, His heart and His will which are higher than ours. When God uses me to bless another, it's always at my inconvenience.  God's calling doesn't suit man's convenience. – Derek Prince

We let who we think we are get in the way of who You created us to be…