Are you a planner? I am … not as bad as I used to be, but I still
like a loose agenda.
There was a time in my life that I wanted everything scripted. Not
sure if it was a want or a need but I do know that it made me feel: productive,
safe, accomplished. Life often has a way of leading you down a winding road.
More than not, I became irritated me when things did not follow the very
straight and narrow plan that I had laid out. Finally, things went to hell in a hand basket … so I ran away.
When I was a senior in high school, I very much wanted to go away
to college and thankfully for me my parents had the means to make that dream
come true. I had a solid grade point average and good standardized test scores,
so I could about go anywhere my heart desired. I applied all over the country
from Syracuse to Lynchburg to Fort Collins. I wanted to go to college in a beautiful
place in the great outdoors with trees and mountains, maybe some water. Somewhere
very different from Texas; although I did apply and was accepted to Texas
A&M which was my first in-state choice. Looking back, I kick myself for not
applying to the University of Hawaii…d-u-m-b-a-s-s.
I settled on Colorado State in Fort Collins. I sent in my
information, got my roommate assignment and was ready to go. My father had a
hard time with the idea of my being so far away, but my mother was always
supportive. My best friend and my boyfriend were both going to Texas Tech. That
triangle of doom, all put the pressure on me to stay and go to Lubbock. I caved
(because I was weak and stupid), applied late and followed them to Tech, sight
unseen. Imagine my shock and eventual disappointment, understanding I had traded
green, glorious Colorado mountains for West Texas sand.
I wasn’t totally unhappy with my decision though because I had
friends. No starting over in a new place with new people. I had a built-in
group with which to gallivant. Plus, when out of money, I could elect to drive the
seven hours home and do laundry and eat for free.
What I didn’t know then that I do know now is that sometimes, fresh
starts are necessary; needed like the air we breathe for God to have His way in
us. Just I had my senior year, around my January birthday, I found myself pregnant.
I chose, this time all by myself to have a second abortion. My grades dropped.
I was put on academic probation. Since I did not like Lubbock and it wasn’t where
I really wanted to be, I decided over the summer to formulate a new life plan. Right
on time, a high school friend whom I hadn’t spoken to in the year since
graduation, called from Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Her employer was looking
for another nanny. This nanny job came with a guaranteed position with the ski
corporation since she was the head of human resources. I went out for an
interview and quite literally, did not come back.
I called my parents, told them I got the job and asked them to
send my stuff. I loved it there for the moment I stepped off the airplane. It felt
like home and to be honest, still when I find myself in Colorado, I get that
homey feeling inside but the politics doesn’t agree with me as I have very much,
become a Texan … squirrel! I strategized a new plan for staying in Colorado
long term that included continuing to work as nanny plus for the ski corp,
getting a Colorado driver’s license and becoming a legitimized citizen of state
thereby earning myself and my parents the hefty savings of in-state tuition. Tada!
But like an idiot when the ex-boyfriend came calling which he did because not
only had I told him “no” but was now living in a completely kick ass place, I
gave in and once again, God help me…pregnant.
I was not one of those women who always wanted to be a mom and
hoped for the day I would find “the one” so I could settle down and have
babies. I was the girl who thought after I establish myself in a career, I will
find someone suitable and then have a baby or two IF I never had to give up what
I had accomplished. But God has a VERY different plan and He used my sin,
weakness and stupidity to achieve His goals for my life…mother. The irony, if
you know me now is that I am not only mother to my own but mama to many and the
Sunday morning God revealed His whole plan to me with regards to my role as mama
resulted in a story that is beloved of my sweet, amazing little church in
Boerne, Texas as it is a calling card of how we try to love one another there
as a congregation but that is a story for another time…wink, wink.
I guess the point I am making here, hopefully is that God has a
plan for us from the moment we were a twinkle in His eye… “Eternal One: Before
I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you. Before
you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you to be My prophet to
speak My word to the nations” Jeremiah 1:5 (The Voice). These words weren’t
just for Jeremiah and God tells us again in Psalm 139:16, “You see all things; You
saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb; Every detail of my life was
already written in Your book; You established the length of my life before I
ever tasted the sweetness of it.” “But God—who set me apart even before birth
and called me by His grace—chose, to His great delight, to reveal His Son
in me so I could tell His story among the outsider nations” Galatians 1:15-16.
While I believe His plan for all of us is the same: to find Him, get
to know Him, fall in love with Him and then help others find their way to the
same … no two of us have the same path, abilities and gifts. No two of us can
have the same affect on the world. Each of us is unique, special, distinct; not
unlike the snowflakes He creates each winter. I am a mother and hopefully becoming
the writer He intends me to be; while you may cook, sing, organize or evangelize…so
many, MANY other gifts and talents out there each needed to help satisfy His
plan for not only your life but the World.
Every time… EVERY SINGLE TIME… I try to plan what I think my life should
be, God reworks, reorganized or just plain demolishes my idea but I have
finally come to understand the extremely unnerving truth of both Jeremiah 29:11
(look it up if you don’t know) but more importantly Isaiah 55:8-9 which says, “My
intentions are not always yours, and I DO NOT GO ABOUT THINGS AS
YOU DO. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven
is far from your reach here on earth” (emphasis mine).
I do not have to chase after what I think I need: man, money,
vacation but can relax back into Him knowing that He will provide what I need
when I need it. Not always easy, I know but truth nonetheless. I pray that we
come to know that we know that we KNOW, He doesn’t need our help because when
we can finally, truly, wholly walk in that place, right there… ya know what’s
lacking? Nada! We have no fear because we lack nothing as perseverance has done
its work in us, molding into maturity and completeness in Him AND when you do
not fear, Satan gets freaked out because you now accurately understand the power
of the name above all names, Jesus.
I LOVE my babies and I would never take back a single thing, no matter
how painful that lead me to becoming their mother. They are daily evidence of
the grace God gave and continues to give me. My other sweetnesses (shut up, it
is a word now LOL) …they allow me to continue to hope, grow, teach and learn. Each
one of those girls without fail in very different ways, helps me learn how to
love Him better and He in turn, teaches me how to love them more completely and
that right there, puts all are feet on His solid ground.
My plan sucked but His left me with joy unspeakable and full of
glory…
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