Firstly, I am reading Undaunted by Christine Caine. It is excellent. You should read it too. Anyway, she says at the end of part two: I've marveled at how Christ breaks us like bread and spreads the pieces of us to even more people - five thousand, ten thousand and more. This, of course is a reference to feeding the hungry crowd during Jesus' sermon on the mount but I loved the metaphor and it got me to thinking about my own life and all my broken pieces.
I feel like broke myself more than others broke me. I decided to get drunk and pass out which resulted in a date rape. I decided to have unprotected sex that lead to abortion. I wanted him to like me so I became more like him and smoked pot, ate mushrooms and snorted coke. I decided I wanted to make my own choice about religion and spent time learning about all the others. I chose to marry a man that loved himself more than me and our children. I chose not to finished college. I chose to put on weight and build walls around myself no one could scale. See, I chose to put myself in places that allowed others to hurt me. I never once asked God in all of that...where do You want me to be. I left myself unprotected and wide open for hurt. BUT! Romans 8:28 says all things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. So, once I decide to pull my head out of my ass and get back in alignment with Him, He can now use all my bad stuff because all means ALL, for good and His glory and He has.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been able to hold the hand of someone who was raped or has had an abortion or who was divorced, loved someone that was an addict, questioned their faith or loved someone that has disappointed them and been able to say me too. Me too and He loves us anyway. Me too and He will use your bad for good because He did it for me. Me too and He forgives us so let me help you find a way to forgive yourself. I am blessed by brokenness in ways I simply could never image. By bringing them into His light, I robbed satan of the ability to use them against me in any way and now they are my weapon against darkness instead of his weapon against light.
Secondly... I have a few people that I love that I have come to understand will never love me back... not really. They think they do but I quietly suffer their broken love. One in particular runs deeper than the others and sometimes, I get frustrated by the inability to ever grow and want or need me back. Honestly though at this point, I don't even know how not to love this person anymore. No matter what happens, I love. No matter what words are said or not, I love. No matter the price to my heart, I love. Each and every time, I choose to love and I can no longer help it. It has become habit. And isn't that just like God's love. He never learns to love us less no matter how much we muck it up. I often cry over this love. It truly hurts me sometimes but I hope I never learn to quit this love because each time I chose that person over myself, I become more like HIM. That my friends, is the real and true great commission...LOVE. Each and every time we choose to love someone over and beyond ourselves, we get to be more like Jesus. Love is the only thing capable of transforming a heart or mind into something beautiful from something broken. So, I sigh and shed a tear but I hope I never ever learn...
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