God will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

Currently most mornings, I read a short Bible study out of Lisa Bevere’s, Embraced. Today, the verse and study were on humility and TODAY there was a profound revelation within her words just for me: God’s provision protects our hearts.

If you know me, then you know that I have been single for quite some time. I have ridden a roller coaster of emotion over being alone for 18 years. In the beginning, it was important for my children. They needed my undivided attention. God had revealed to me that if I made HIM the man in my life that He would make sure I was never alone. I considered it an honor and fully worth the sacrifice to give that time solely to my children.

When my daughter graduated and went off to college, I suddenly had a lot of extra free time. I at the encouragement of some friends and after speaking to my son for his approval, enrolled on some online dating websites. My son was in high school and I thought maybe I could test the waters. I did not have crazy expectations that meeting someone would be a quick endeavor, so I dipped my toe in the dating pool. It was not a great experience, but I did meet someone who I thought might be “the one”. I was wrong.

God showed me I had jumped the gun and I apologized to my son and though I was not dating “the one”, we did remain friends. The friendship grew but never developed into more. But I need to back up a moment…during the time I was searching online, I became frustrated. I felt like everyone else was having success in their dating lives but mine was atrocious and that is being polite. I fussed at God and was like what the heck man, I do what You say! Don’t I deserve this? Isn’t this what You promised me? Where’s my not alone promise? Am I not worthy? Did I screw up and not know it?

I would go out with “friends” and they would get hit on by all kinds of men. Me though … nada, zero, zilch! I almost felt invisible to men. I was disappointed and dejected. I even had a group of friends that refused to let me go out with them if they were on the prowl because they said I had bad mojo and it effected their ability to meet men, if I was with them. Humiliated, I gave up. I quit the online dating. I quite those “friendships” and decided that I was somehow missing something that every or any man was looking for in a date, let alone a mate.

I convinced myself that I was just a little too much: too chubby, too old, too loud, too independent and that men only desired a woman that somehow needed saving. Well…I was already saved. God did that for me, and I turn to Him when I needed something because He is and has been, after all, the man in my life. I had reinforcement in this line of thinking along the way because of my unwillingness to “play the game” when it came to my relationships. I was unwilling and too old in my book to play the damsel in distress. I raised two children on my own and ran a company on behalf of my father. Who would believe that ploy anyway…especially, once they got to know the real me?

Sitting at the bar at a Twin Peaks with an old friend, after watching several men buy her drinks and ignore me entirely, I blew out a frustrated breath. She turned to me and said, “you know the heartache I’ve suffered dating man after man only to find that none of them are right. You are lucky … NO blessed God has you in that bubble you complain about all the time.” Shocked, I asked what bubble? She said, “the bubble He uses to protect your heart. I wish He had mine in a bubble.” I was stunned into silence while I pondered this seemingly ridiculous new information.

She went on to explain that she felt I had been set apart and from her point of view, unfairly protected. I am sitting there thinking that guy doesn’t notice me because of how I look in comparison to her and she is sitting there wondering why God leaves her heart open for trampling. It truly is all about perspective, isn’t it?

We often unfairly judge God by not seeing, let alone understanding His perspective.

Time went on and though I had heard this truth and it had spoken to my heart…I again became disillusioned over time. I was in Houston after my auction with my best friends who are the absolute best couple I know. They love each well and they inspire me not to settle for less than what they’ve got. I was looking better by the world’s standards at this point. I had lost a significant amount of weight. I was in shape. Not thin; my body is not capable of thin, but I felt good about myself. We were talking and joking about my lack of love life or even prospects when the male half of my bestie duo turned to me with a serious face and said, “it’s not you. I know you think it’s you but it’s not you. You are amazing. It’s them. Most men don’t know what to do with a strong woman. Most men don’t know how a strong woman makes a man better.” After that, he told a joke to lighten the mood and we had a round of drinks, ate dinner and enjoyed our evening together, but his words gave me peace.

About a year or so ago, our associate Pastor preached on God’s perfect gifts and I recognized once again, that if God did bring a man into my life at this point…it would be a gift and I should expect His perfection for me. It took my mind back in time. I was newly divorced and my then Pastor’s wife told me that if God put a longing in my heart for a husband that He would in His perfect time fulfill that desire. BUT! It has been a long time now and it is hard to believe, He is still at work. Even with His reminders, placed periodically throughout my life…holding onto that hope is hard. It is easier to resign myself to loneliness.

And yet, that desire is still within me to have a hand to hold and mouth to kiss. I am not a fan of pent up frustration. It can breed into bitterness. I need to find a way to keep laying my expectations down, accept what is and be content in that, right? I mean Paul writes to the Philippians: I know what it means to lack, and I know what it means to experience overwhelming abundance. For I’m trained in the secret of overcoming all things, whether in fullness or in hunger. And I find that the strength of Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty (Philippians 4:12-13 TPT).  How am I supposed to manage both God given desire and contentment?

The answer is that I don’t have to…I just need to hope and trust God. I can go live and enjoy my life, not missing things I shouldn’t because I have let my thoughts and feelings get the better of me.

My therapist had me make a list of what I was looking for in man about 7 years ago. God has obliterated that list in so many ways I now laugh about it but in it’s place He has given me revelation about “the one”. Things he will and will not be beyond my own preferences. Today, He added to the list: He will protect my heart just like He has protected my heart. My heart, your heart, our hearts are important to God; so important that He will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

The struggle is real.

It’s been awhile since I have taken time to be quiet enough to put my hands to the keyboard and allow Him to flow through me in this way. I have been too wrapped up in my own self to slow down and really breathe like this…to soak Him and hear Him down deep, soul deep.

Noise is my adversary when it comes to hearing His voice and the world is full of noise. If you learn how to block out the noise and hear Him still, the decimal level continues to grow until you… I become too distracted once again. If I don’t succumb to the “good” time, the bad will come. If I fight to ward off the bad, a battle will arise. Anything to keep me wound up. Keep it loud. Keep me from hearing. Rob my peace.

My mind rolls with thoughts of this and now that and oh crap…this is even worse…where is this all coming from? Until I find myself downtrodden asking where this attack is coming from because I was good, wasn’t I? I was reading and praying and worshiping. I was serving and loving and helping. But I am alone. I feel without Him though He promised He’d never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The lie I most often fall prey to is that I am alone. Isolation is a power weapon.

I open my Bible, read the verse again to remind myself of His promise and find I’ve forgotten part of the equation to be strong and courageous; do not be afraid. It occurs to me now that I’ve fallen right back into the same old trap of satan’s lies and betrayal. Forgotten again the truth. When will I stop believing I am anything less than what He, as my Creator, says that I am? When will I finally learn to block out the noise and know my worth?

I forget regularly that He see me. It is so much easier for me to believe He sees everyone else and somehow passes right over me. Forgets me. Out of the blue, a dear friend texts me a Word God has had chosen for me because He loves me, and He sees.

Without delay, my voice reaches Your ears.

In an instant, You hear me.

Immediately, You answer me!

Before my spirit has time to falter, Your brilliant countenance flashes before me.

You show Your face compassionately to me.

You whisper softly to me, speaking only of Your tenderness, kindness, faithfulness, mercy and favor-

Such are Your encouragements to me.

It is this PERFECT LOVE and high regard You have for me that causes me to trust YOU –

utterly, completely and securely.

My spirit, once downcast, is carefree and bold again.

You deliver me.

Snatching me away from destruction.

Plundering the very ones who intended harm toward me.

Your heart and breath revive me. You overwhelm me with Your love.

I open my Bible again, this time to the scripture referenced in the decree above, Psalm 143:7-9 (TPT):

Lord, come quickly and answer me, for my depression deepens and I’m about to give up.
Don’t leave me now or I’ll die!
Let the dawning day bring me revelation of your tender, unfailing love.
Give me light for my path and teach me, for I trust in you.
Save me from all my enemies, for I hide myself in you.

I read it again, this time in The Voice translation:

Hurry and answer me, O Eternal One, for my spirit is weak, my courage is gone.
Do not turn away; let me see Your face; otherwise, I’ll die and be like all those who have gone to the grave.
Make me hear of Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You.
Teach me how I should walk, for I offer my soul up to You.

Rescue me from my enemies, Eternal One, for You are my shelter from them.

I read the whole chapter now because I know there is something; something I need to gleam here… then I stumble over that thing that finally makes me breathe easier: I fix my mind on all You have done (v5). I read it again: I fix my mind on all You have done. And again: I fix my mind on all You have done. I bow my head and I let the truth of that wash over me, bringing to my mind creation, salvation, resurrection, healing, mercy, grace…unconditional LOVE. Inside myself I see the light ignite, my heart begins to heal, my spirit lifts and I can breathe deeply once again.

I can be quiet now. My mind still. I can know that you are Lord. You remind me of Romans 8:31: So what should we say about all of this? If God is on our side, then tell me: whom should we fear? I scan down further to verses 37-39 and find yet more reassurance: But no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us. For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord.

The only thing that comes between me and the love of God is me. That is the truth. I go back to Psalm 143 and pray over myself verse 10: Teach me how to do Your will, for You are my God. Allow Your good Spirit to guide me on level ground, to guide me along Your path. This is my submission, my worship…to put my fingers to my keyboard and be honest, be bold.

Pondering love...

What is your reaction to something not going your way?

I have taken every personality test in the book. I am a choleric melancholy. I am a high D per DISC. I am an 8 on the enneagram. Meyers-Briggs called me ESTJ in my youth but as I’ve matured, I have morphed into ENFP. This information should be an indicator to anyone that has the information, how I might react in any given situation.

I am a firm believer that God does not make mistakes. He is I AM, and He remains the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The Bible confirms this in Hebrews 13:8: Jesus, the Anointed One, is always the same—yesterday, today, and forever. Time and again, I return to Isaiah 55:8-9: My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. I return because I rarely understand what the holy heck He is doing. I do not understand why He is doing it or when He is doing it and being who He created me to be … I like empirical evidence. My life would be so much easier if He said, “Tiffany go this way because XYZ” but that is not faith.

He longs to stretch us. Remold us. Morph us from the mess we’ve created for ourselves into the perfected person that was His initial and very intentional creation. Jeremiah 1:5a states: Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you. Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you. Isaiah 49:15 reminds us that He never forgets us: Is it possible for a mother, however disappointed, however hurt, to forget her nursing child? Can she feel nothing for the baby she carried and birthed? Even if she could, I, God, will never forget you.

He calls us to love…Those who are loved by God, let His love continually pour from you to one another, because God is love. Everyone who loves is fathered by God and experiences an intimate knowledge of Him. The one who doesn’t love has yet to know God, for God is love. The light of God’s love shined within us when He sent his matchless Son into the world so that we might live through Him. This is love: He loved us long before we loved Him. It was His love, not ours. He proved it by sending his Son to be the pleasing sacrificial offering to take away our sins. Delightfully loved ones, if He loved us with such tremendous love, then “loving one another” should be our way of life! No one has ever gazed upon the fullness of God’s splendor. But if we love one another, God makes His permanent home in us, and we make our permanent home in Him, and His love is brought to its full expression in us. And He has given us His Spirit within us so that we can have the assurance that He lives in us and that we live in Him (1 John 4:7-13).

Those words say to me that I am to love you and that love is the evidence in me that I love Him and by doing so, it ushers the very presence of God into me, personally, by way of the Holy Spirit.

What happens when my human heart encounters a person who will not love me back? Honestly, it depends on the person and what I perceive as our level of intimacy. I have found that in my day to day life, I can love just about anyone for a short period of time. I can love wholeheartedly that woman cashing out my groceries for the ten minutes I am in line or the server at the restaurant, I am only spending at most maybe a couple of hours with but the person I have allowed in deeper, the person I thought might be a friend or an ally…well, now the act of love becomes a whole lot less about them and more about me. I have had to ask myself earnestly how much of Him do I want in me because the more I have of Him the more of me I must crucify in order to love more deeply and correctly.

We often read and should quite honestly commit to memory, 1 Corinthians 13:4-10:

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial, but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away.

BUT what about verses 1-3 which say: If I were to speak with eloquence in earth’s many languages, and in the heavenly tongues of angels, yet I didn’t express myself with love, my words would be reduced to the hollow sound of nothing more than a clanging cymbal.  And if I were to have the gift of prophecy with a profound understanding of God’s hidden secrets, and if I possessed unending supernatural knowledge, and if I had the greatest gift of faith that could move mountains, but have never learned to love, then I am nothing. And if I were to be so generous as to give away everything, I owned to feed the poor, and to offer my body to be burned as a martyr, without the pure motive of love, I would gain nothing of value.

These verses hold the practical consequences of what life without love looks like. If your words are astute but contain no love, then they sound like bullshit. If you know everything, even things hidden to the rest of us and have faith enough to produce miracles, but no love then you are literally nothing. If you gave away everything you possess to those in need and died in sacrifice for your belief in God but did so without love, you did it all for nothing…you lost everything and gained nothing. Brings to mind Matthew 7:21: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the realm of heaven’s kingdom. It is only those who persist in doing the will of my heavenly Father.”

God’s will ALWAYS includes love because HE IS LOVE.

When I am hurt by someone unexpected, someone close; my personality and instincts take over and I push away, build a wall, isolate but God will only allow me to remain there for so long because His expectation is that I continue to become more like Him which means, I have to not be irritated or take offense or take failure as defeat (mine or yours) or take delight in what is wrong or give up. No, instead His expectation for me is that I never stop loving.

Now Paul’s words have a potent value: I have been crucified with the Anointed One—I am no longer alive—but the Anointed is living in me; and whatever life I have left in this failing body I live by the faithfulness of God’s Son, the One who loves me and gave His body on the cross for me (Galatians 2:20). Every time, love brings me back to the cross. It is the ultimate mark of love. Love will, at some point, hurt you: emotionally, maybe physically, spiritually too perhaps but the sacrifices we make for love are also what slays our fleshly, human selves and allows the transformation into our God perfected, heavenly selves.

Love is a choice…as John Mayer sings: Love is a verb. It ain’t a thing. It’s not something you own. Its not something you scream. When you show me love, I don’t need your words. Yeah, love ain’t a thing. Love is a verb. So you gotta show, show, show me that love is verb. You can say I love you all day long but if you never act upon that love with action, chances are the recipient will never believe you. Jesus’s love was in action. He should us first. Now, we need to show ours.

Lord, I pray that in me, Your love will be a verb, in action and that those you call me to love will never doubt Your love for them because of something I do wrong but rathe ALWAYS KNOW Your love for them because of something I do right. Thank you for your patience with me. In the name of Jesus, AMEN.

What does being loved look like?

We all want to be loved. Women especially long for someone to love them, hold them tight and never let them go but that is just romantic love and REAL love is so much more. So what does being loved really look like? The answer surprised me…

Recently, the congregants at my church read the extremely short book: One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. The point of the book is that instead of New Year’s resolutions that none of us really keep, what about asking God to give you a word to direct you for 365 days that applies to what they refer to as the dimensions of our lives: spiritual, physical, mental, relational, emotional, and financial. I read the book.

I read it New Year’s Day. It suggests finding a quiet place.  I did not.  It suggests being alone.  I was not. Still, I read. God is a BIG God. My thought, if He wants to give me a word today, He can speak over the noise. He did. Immediately, I wanted Him to take it back.

About three years ago, I read Captivating by Stasi & John Eldridge. Took me for freaking ever. Truths, that were hard on my mind and heart caused me to take well over a month to read a book that normally would take a few days. In the book, they encourage you to find the meaning in your name as a segway to discovering God’s pet name for you. I walked the process out and when He told me what His name for me was…I told Him, emphatically, NO. But He very much enjoys beating me in the head with His love until I surrender to its truth.

My name was Beautiful. If you know me, you know that I am loud, crude, funny: maybe, chubby: definitely, loving, giving, stubborn: for sure but beautiful…not so much. My testimony and life for are chuck full of yucky stuff. Hard stuff. Ugly stuff.  Good stuff too! Don’t get me wrong. Redemption and healing abound. It’s just people don’t look at me and think: there’s Tiffany! Isn’t she beautiful? Or at least from my perspective they don’t. God spent 90 days knocking me over with a feather and hitting me hard over the head with a stick until finally, I accepted that inside I was beautiful. Did I mention I was stubborn?

So, I am laying in my bed asking for my word and I am like, hey God? Need that word, buddy.  What about it? And don’t say beautiful! He says clearly…what do you always feel and without hesitation, I say alone. He said, Beautiful, you are the opposite of that and THAT is YOUR word. Smart ass me says, I don’t want “chosen” as a word, man.  He says to me that’s great because chosen isn’t your word. Look up alone in the thesaurus. First word that jumps off the page is LOVED. I am like, oh hell no! And He is like, oh heavens yes! And once again, I cried.

I won’t go into all the details here of why I fail to feel loved but let’s agree that we as humans like to collect and save all the bad things people who are supposed to love us speak into and over us. While I know a few people who love me; I don’t live in a state of feeling loved. Duh, alone was the first word to my mind, right? We hold tighter to the lies of the roaming lion seeking to destroy us than we do to the words of the very ONE who CREATED us…and in His own image, no less.

With a SIGH and a whatever God which included a strong eye roll, I grabbed my pen and notebook and started to journal, steering away from anything strictly romantic.

LOVED:

Opposite of alone

Liked very much

To find pleasure in

Desired

Adored

Precious (please tell me you hear Gollum too?)

Held dear

Admired

Treasured

Strong affection for another rising out of kinship or a personal tie

Affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

Warm attachment

Devotion

Tenderness

Unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

All that and this verse: You love me so much and you placed your greatness upon me. You rescued me from the deepest darkness and you have delivered me from certain death (Psalm 86:13).

Though much of that tugged at my heart, I was still calling bullshit. So, I spoke to a friend who is a counselor and asked what does being loved look like? This man used to be a minister and he laughed, saying not what you might think because as we become mature in our faith, we are called to be more and more like Christ. Christ, who was bruised, scorned, beaten, rejected and crucified for LOVE. And yet, we expect somehow that our transformations into becoming more like Him means, we will escape the torture that turned Him from man back into God’s perfection, His son.

I am sitting stunned, mouth almost agape…already knowing the complete truth and impact of his statement having already come myself to a deeper understanding of God’s Love over the past 5-7 years. By His stripes we are healed. By our stripes, another behind us is healed. Once again, I am overwhelmed by both the beauty of God’s construct and the absolute absurdity of it. His ways are not our ways and they are higher (Isaiah 55:8). One of these days, I suspect that will somehow, really, FINALLY sink into the depth of my bones; so I don’t have to keep being reminded.

I am beautiful. I am loved. It doesn’t matter what my eyes see. It does not matter what my heart feels. It doesn’t matter my circumstances. It only matters what He says I am.  What the I AM says I am is the ONLY truth that is ALWAYS true. I am human and eventually, will disappoint you, fail you, hurt you BUT HE is GOD and He NEVER leaves you alone…only LOVED.

His ways are higher…

I am walking in high water. Have been for quite a while now. I’ve given up on the ideas of what I thought my life would be, what it would look like. I watched as decisions I thought I made for the “best” turned to rubble. I laid upon the altar my expectation of ever being a wife again. I’ve walked in places I never thought I would, especially considering I was never one of those girls who craved being a mother. A few weeks ago, I would have told you there was nothing left to make me doubt God, but then…

My world gets turned upside down once again by the news that my son is becoming a father. I have total faith in my son’s ability to be a loving father; that’s not it at all but you see God made me a promise back when I was becoming a single parent. He promised me that if I did not seek any man but Him to provide for me and my children until they were raised, he would break off all the generational curses upon the two of them both Kruse and Pierce. They would get a fresh start free from the chains that bind us to the mistakes of our families. My son expecting a child at 21 years old does not feel like the breaking of a pattern but another brick in the wall as both my mother and I were expecting at 21.

Deuteronomy 7:9 tell us: I want you to know that the Eternal your God is the only true God. He’s the faithful God who keeps His covenants and shows loyal love for a thousand generations to those who in return love Him and keep His commands.

I know in my head that God always keeps His word, but this feels broken.

I reached out to a close friend that encourages me with the whole His ways are higher rigmarole but what the mind knows, and the heart feels sometimes are at odds with each other…which on a side point is why God warns us in Provers 4:23 to guard your heart more than anything else because the source of your life flows from it. Furthermore, Proverbs 23:7 tells us as we think in our hearts, so are we.

The seeds of rebellion are found in the soul. I think (mind), I want (will), I feel (emotions and/or heart). When Jesus speaks to us about how we must die so that he might live, he's speaking to us about crucifying our souls so that he can control our thoughts, our hearts and our will...in this way, he can open us up to everything he has for us: his thoughts, his heart and his will which are higher than ours. When God uses me to bless other, it's always at my inconvenience.  God's calling doesn't suit man's convenience. – Derek Prince

As I read this, I think to myself…I couldn’t have been more inconvenienced over the past seventeen years, if I’d tried but I do not want the opportunity for the seeds of rebellion to have any soil to take root in my life, let alone good soil. I admit, I am struggling. I am feeling unloved, forgotten and lost. I have walked through so much and though He has never done a thing my way, He has never failed me. I KNOW that why I rarely understand in the moment what the heck He is doing, He has never left me alone. I can reason all of this in my mind but my heart struggles. Things come up in my life that add to the confusion and the pain enough so that I wonder if I had misheard God all together. I began to doubt where I had been walking. Had all of this been a mistake?

My mind was reeling with what if scenarios until the voice of my loving, kind Pastor broke through all the noise in my head and heart and said what if you aren’t looking at all of this correctly? I urged him to go on … he said: “Tiffany, only God can give life. Only God is the author of life and it is NEVER a curse. Would your mother if asked say that you’ve been a curse upon her life?”. I said no, of course not I am her favorite and laughed (don’t get pissy; my mom loves all her girls uniquely and gives according to their needs; this statement was simply to lighten my own mood by making him laugh). Warren went on: “I know I don’t have to ask you whether you believe your own daughter to have been a curse upon your life, I have seen you love her; so why then is this a curse upon your son’s? Has he not been taught by the strong women that have come before him the direct opposite?”. Right there, He could have knocked me over with a feather. Part of me wanted to reject the truth of his words but the majority wanted it to sink into the marrow of my bones and let it heal those last bits of me that have somehow been held back from the truth. I wanted to accept with finality, God trading my ashes for His beauty.

This isn’t just a learned / head knowledge of scripture, particularly Romans 8:28: so, we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. Instead it is looking at my mistake of getting pregnant out of wedlock by an unsaved addict and KNOWING to the very depth of my soul the plan to wreck my life was taken away from satan and instead just like the death of Jesus upon the cross, was used by God to defeat him…my ashes for His beauty.

Warren then spoke words over the life on my son and his child, words that soothes my hurting heart, “this is where it ends, Tiffany. It’s not your daughter. It is your son and he is not like his father. He will love his child unconditionally. He will always be available and take care of what is his. It is who God created him to be.” I know those words are true. I know my son’s heart. His mind not so much. He surprises me from time to time, but his heart has been that of protector since before the time his father walked out the door of our home. God brought a lion to guard him, to guard his heart (read Give Peace a Chance, if you don’t get the reference). Honestly, I understand protector is who God created him to be and though not the way I imagined it, he is taking a giant step into becoming God’s best version of himself.

My Uncle Derald urged my cousins and I to never stop learning. He told me once that the more he learned, the more he understood he really knew nothing because God’s Word is alive and ever changing according to our needs; the message beneath the words on the page are just for you for just this time.

My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth (Isaiah 55:9). He thought what my family and I need most right now, is a baby and because I am inclined to trust Him, I think I will agree. I hope you will all join me in praying for my son, his soon to be bride and their little one on the way…that in the name of Jesus, God will bring with this sweet baby, a healing for both of themselves and their families that will allow for all of us, not just the daddy to become exactly who God has created us to be and that as this child grows, he/she will be healthy and raised always in the love and admonition of the Lord. Thank you, Father, Son and Spirit for your patience with me. Amen.

You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Lauren Daigle has a song on her new album, Look Up Child, that though might be written about herself, might as well be my anthem. The name of the song is, This Girl. The lyrics are below:

I've been a winding road, oh, I know You know
Sometimes a stranger in my home
Keep going back and forth through the open door
I'm still learning to be still

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've run for miles and lost sight of where You are
But You have seen me all along
Maybe I'm the last to know when I've gone too far
And yet I'm always by Your side

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

Oh, I know
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Yes, my heart is Yours, oh, oh oh oh
I've searched the world to find what I'm looking for
I want nothing more
Oh, my heart is Yours

I have always been one to think for myself and not wanting anyone making, especially my big choices, for me. Hence when I was younger, I searched my own soul for the answers to the questions we all at some time or another ask: Why am I here? Who am I? Is there a creator? What do I believe? What is the point?

When I was 19, I moved to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. My time at Texas Tech was not as well spent as it should have been. I did not really want to be there. I had originally applied and been accepted to Colorado State University in in Fort Collins. I had my roommate assignment, had chosen my first semester’s worth of classes and the future looked bright but I loved a boy more than I loved my dream. I switched Texas Tech to be with him. Lubbock was flat. Flat in ways I could not have imagined when I decided to change course. If not for my friend, Carolyn and Linda & Rex McFadden, friends of my father’s, I am not sure I would have remained sane. I had my second abortion that year. My best friend and roommate, at the time, just sort of went haywire. I was unhappy with my choices. I had no one to blame but myself. I went home that summer on scholastic probation not wanting to return.

During summer break, a high school friend who knew I really wanted to be in Colorado, offered me an invitation to come visit her in Steamboat Springs. Her employer was looking for another nanny. She was the head of human resources at the ski corporation; hence could provide us with guaranteed jobs there too during the winter months. I flew out for the visit. Fell in love with the town. I was offered the job and called my parents to tell them I wasn’t coming home; please send my things.

As I mentioned during this time, I was searching for meaning in my life. I had disappointed by love and wasn’t sure I believed in God. I read all types of books on all types of religions and was thinking of settling on Buddhism when I read something that said he had abandoned his wife and son in pursuit of finding his spiritual awakening. While I might have wondered about God and His role and my beliefs, I KNEW family was a solid trusted truth.

There was a shop in town owned by a Ute Indian woman and I began to ask her questions about religion and origins. She smoked her tobacco from an Indian pipe and would tell me stories about her people and way of life. One afternoon before the snow came, she asked me why I was questioning my creator. She told me to quit running from my truth and begin to know and understand there was just one creator. Only one God the creator who made both her and I and everyone that ever has been or will be. While I heard her loud and clear, it wouldn’t be until I found myself sitting in a pew months later, knowing I was pregnant for the third time that I would really apply that belief to my life permanently.

I rededicated my life to God on Easter Sunday 1991 knowing I wasn’t just choosing Him but choosing motherhood. My entire life was about to change BIG. I cannot explain to you the relief that came with the unconditional love my parents showed me. I cannot explain the peace that came with knowing I was walking out my path with God at my side, knowing He would never fail me. It was magnificent! It did not last.

Since, I have, as we all do … had my feet on the summit of the mountain and felt as if I was drowning in the seas of life. I have been at peace in the valley and cried myself to sleep wondering if my life would ever be peaceful again. Life is indeed, a roller coaster! I have felt alone and discouraged. I have felt alone and courageous. The feelings of my life have run the absolute gamut but that seed of the knowledge that God does not leave me has grown into a tree that provides shelter. It doesn’t block the storm, but it is enough to remind me, He is there.

I get wonky, still. I get hurt. My feelings flare and I must take charge of them…but as I have grown and matured in my faith, I have been both given and taught tools and coping mechanisms that get me through the hardest of times while reminding me to be remain grateful during the fleeting highs of life. A young man in my church once spoke over me that the peace I was seeking would never come to me here, on this earth. That my life would always be moving and shaking and exciting. Excitement is overrated (snort). Peace is not. I was upset at those words until I came to understand the full depth of their meaning. God has called me to love and when you love like He loves, there is always excitement. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Always exciting.

I encourage you to find your path to your own beliefs and never let someone else or your upbringing choose for you. Only then will you be able to throw it at the wall of your life and watch it stick. I raised my children to develop their own faith. While I haven’t always liked what that look like, I know when they finally choose for themselves, it will be an unwavering choice of faith that will withstand whatever satan throws at them or how hard he throws it.

No matter where life takes me, I know these words are true:

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving … Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten … but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 partial verses 8-10, The Passion Translation)

I always read it as written and then again replacing the word LOVE with GOD because God IS love (1 John 4:7). I know I have written about this passage before, but I find them to be a cornerstone, a hard truth that has led me to an understanding that the one thing about love we often forget to give it to ourselves as generously as we give it to others … not doing this can block our ability to receive love from God. We can pray for a million different things, but God cannot give you a single one, if you never learn to accept love as freely as you give love. You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Ha! That wasn’t at all what I thought I was going to write when I began. I bow my head and pray with you a prayer of forgiveness for not openly accepting the good as willingly as I accept the bad. I ask God for both of us to open ourselves up to the blessings we do not believe we deserve, and I ask Him to give us His eyes and heart not just for those around us but also for the person staring back at us in the mirror. And as always, I thank Him for His patience with me. In the name of Jesus, so be it…AMEN!

Can anybody find me somebody to love...

Even if you fail me … I believe in you.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16 KJV).

For this is how much God loved the world—he gave his one and only, unique Son as a gift. So now everyone who believes in him will never perish but experience everlasting life (John 3:16 TPT).

For God expressed His love for the world in this way: He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him will not face everlasting destruction, but will have everlasting life (John 3:16 Voice).

Did it sink in as you read it over a few times? Did the question: what am I willing to give, come to your mind? Is there ANYONE you love ENOUGH that you would allow to cost you that one thing or person most precious to you in order to save their very life? What if you knew going in that you would make this enormous sacrifice and the person on the other end would fail you? Would you, could you still lay it down?

Rejected a billion times over by the ones He loves has never enough to stop God.

Genesis 6 speaks of the time of Noah; how men had become wicked and egotistical. In verses 5- 7, the Bible states: The Eternal One saw that wickedness was rampaging throughout the earth and that evil had become the first thought on every mind, the constant purpose of every person. At that point God’s heart broke, and He regretted having ever made man in the first place. God gave us a second chance after the flood. If you don’t, know that whole story…you are not going to hear it here but know we did not get it right even then directly after the flood and we have continued to make mistakes both large and small from there to here. BUT STILL He loved us enough to send Jesus to die for our sin.

Paul writes in Romans 8: 35-38: Who could ever separate us from the endless love of God’s Anointed One? Absolutely no one! For nothing in the universe has the power to diminish his love toward us. Troubles, pressures, and problems are unable to come between us and heaven’s love. What about persecutions, deprivations, dangers, and death threats? No, for they are all impotent to hinder omnipotent love, even though it is written: All day long we face death threats for your sake, God. We are considered to be nothing more than sheep to be slaughtered! Yet even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything! So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love.

What can separate someone from your love…?

Who do you love enough to do what He did for you? Is there anyone for whom you’d lay down your life? Is there a person you are willing to tell day in and day out, “I love you even though you fail me”? Is there someone you continue to believe in even when they repeatedly don’t keep their word? Are you capable even in the tiniest capacity of loving someone, anyone, the way that Christ, His Father and the Holy Spirit love you? Are you willing to fight the pain of fear and rejection to make sure the people God places in and around you always feel His love and never your brokenness? Where do you stand?

It is a heavy ask.

The world today is such a turbulent place. So much hate. So much negativity. More love is the only combatant to our current circumstance. Love is as contagious as hate; just harder to ignite. I encourage you to find a single person in which to invest His persistent love (definition below) because if I pick one and you pick one and those two pick one, eventually, the world will be healed.

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8