You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Lauren Daigle has a song on her new album, Look Up Child, that though might be written about herself, might as well be my anthem. The name of the song is, This Girl. The lyrics are below:

I've been a winding road, oh, I know You know
Sometimes a stranger in my home
Keep going back and forth through the open door
I'm still learning to be still

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've run for miles and lost sight of where You are
But You have seen me all along
Maybe I'm the last to know when I've gone too far
And yet I'm always by Your side

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

Oh, I know
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Yes, my heart is Yours, oh, oh oh oh
I've searched the world to find what I'm looking for
I want nothing more
Oh, my heart is Yours

I have always been one to think for myself and not wanting anyone making, especially my big choices, for me. Hence when I was younger, I searched my own soul for the answers to the questions we all at some time or another ask: Why am I here? Who am I? Is there a creator? What do I believe? What is the point?

When I was 19, I moved to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. My time at Texas Tech was not as well spent as it should have been. I did not really want to be there. I had originally applied and been accepted to Colorado State University in in Fort Collins. I had my roommate assignment, had chosen my first semester’s worth of classes and the future looked bright but I loved a boy more than I loved my dream. I switched Texas Tech to be with him. Lubbock was flat. Flat in ways I could not have imagined when I decided to change course. If not for my friend, Carolyn and Linda & Rex McFadden, friends of my father’s, I am not sure I would have remained sane. I had my second abortion that year. My best friend and roommate, at the time, just sort of went haywire. I was unhappy with my choices. I had no one to blame but myself. I went home that summer on scholastic probation not wanting to return.

During summer break, a high school friend who knew I really wanted to be in Colorado, offered me an invitation to come visit her in Steamboat Springs. Her employer was looking for another nanny. She was the head of human resources at the ski corporation; hence could provide us with guaranteed jobs there too during the winter months. I flew out for the visit. Fell in love with the town. I was offered the job and called my parents to tell them I wasn’t coming home; please send my things.

As I mentioned during this time, I was searching for meaning in my life. I had disappointed by love and wasn’t sure I believed in God. I read all types of books on all types of religions and was thinking of settling on Buddhism when I read something that said he had abandoned his wife and son in pursuit of finding his spiritual awakening. While I might have wondered about God and His role and my beliefs, I KNEW family was a solid trusted truth.

There was a shop in town owned by a Ute Indian woman and I began to ask her questions about religion and origins. She smoked her tobacco from an Indian pipe and would tell me stories about her people and way of life. One afternoon before the snow came, she asked me why I was questioning my creator. She told me to quit running from my truth and begin to know and understand there was just one creator. Only one God the creator who made both her and I and everyone that ever has been or will be. While I heard her loud and clear, it wouldn’t be until I found myself sitting in a pew months later, knowing I was pregnant for the third time that I would really apply that belief to my life permanently.

I rededicated my life to God on Easter Sunday 1991 knowing I wasn’t just choosing Him but choosing motherhood. My entire life was about to change BIG. I cannot explain to you the relief that came with the unconditional love my parents showed me. I cannot explain the peace that came with knowing I was walking out my path with God at my side, knowing He would never fail me. It was magnificent! It did not last.

Since, I have, as we all do … had my feet on the summit of the mountain and felt as if I was drowning in the seas of life. I have been at peace in the valley and cried myself to sleep wondering if my life would ever be peaceful again. Life is indeed, a roller coaster! I have felt alone and discouraged. I have felt alone and courageous. The feelings of my life have run the absolute gamut but that seed of the knowledge that God does not leave me has grown into a tree that provides shelter. It doesn’t block the storm, but it is enough to remind me, He is there.

I get wonky, still. I get hurt. My feelings flare and I must take charge of them…but as I have grown and matured in my faith, I have been both given and taught tools and coping mechanisms that get me through the hardest of times while reminding me to be remain grateful during the fleeting highs of life. A young man in my church once spoke over me that the peace I was seeking would never come to me here, on this earth. That my life would always be moving and shaking and exciting. Excitement is overrated (snort). Peace is not. I was upset at those words until I came to understand the full depth of their meaning. God has called me to love and when you love like He loves, there is always excitement. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Always exciting.

I encourage you to find your path to your own beliefs and never let someone else or your upbringing choose for you. Only then will you be able to throw it at the wall of your life and watch it stick. I raised my children to develop their own faith. While I haven’t always liked what that look like, I know when they finally choose for themselves, it will be an unwavering choice of faith that will withstand whatever satan throws at them or how hard he throws it.

No matter where life takes me, I know these words are true:

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving … Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten … but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 partial verses 8-10, The Passion Translation)

I always read it as written and then again replacing the word LOVE with GOD because God IS love (1 John 4:7). I know I have written about this passage before, but I find them to be a cornerstone, a hard truth that has led me to an understanding that the one thing about love we often forget to give it to ourselves as generously as we give it to others … not doing this can block our ability to receive love from God. We can pray for a million different things, but God cannot give you a single one, if you never learn to accept love as freely as you give love. You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Ha! That wasn’t at all what I thought I was going to write when I began. I bow my head and pray with you a prayer of forgiveness for not openly accepting the good as willingly as I accept the bad. I ask God for both of us to open ourselves up to the blessings we do not believe we deserve, and I ask Him to give us His eyes and heart not just for those around us but also for the person staring back at us in the mirror. And as always, I thank Him for His patience with me. In the name of Jesus, so be it…AMEN!