His ways are higher…

I am walking in high water. Have been for quite a while now. I’ve given up on the ideas of what I thought my life would be, what it would look like. I watched as decisions I thought I made for the “best” turned to rubble. I laid upon the altar my expectation of ever being a wife again. I’ve walked in places I never thought I would, especially considering I was never one of those girls who craved being a mother. A few weeks ago, I would have told you there was nothing left to make me doubt God, but then…

My world gets turned upside down once again by the news that my son is becoming a father. I have total faith in my son’s ability to be a loving father; that’s not it at all but you see God made me a promise back when I was becoming a single parent. He promised me that if I did not seek any man but Him to provide for me and my children until they were raised, he would break off all the generational curses upon the two of them both Kruse and Pierce. They would get a fresh start free from the chains that bind us to the mistakes of our families. My son expecting a child at 21 years old does not feel like the breaking of a pattern but another brick in the wall as both my mother and I were expecting at 21.

Deuteronomy 7:9 tell us: I want you to know that the Eternal your God is the only true God. He’s the faithful God who keeps His covenants and shows loyal love for a thousand generations to those who in return love Him and keep His commands.

I know in my head that God always keeps His word, but this feels broken.

I reached out to a close friend that encourages me with the whole His ways are higher rigmarole but what the mind knows, and the heart feels sometimes are at odds with each other…which on a side point is why God warns us in Provers 4:23 to guard your heart more than anything else because the source of your life flows from it. Furthermore, Proverbs 23:7 tells us as we think in our hearts, so are we.

The seeds of rebellion are found in the soul. I think (mind), I want (will), I feel (emotions and/or heart). When Jesus speaks to us about how we must die so that he might live, he's speaking to us about crucifying our souls so that he can control our thoughts, our hearts and our will...in this way, he can open us up to everything he has for us: his thoughts, his heart and his will which are higher than ours. When God uses me to bless other, it's always at my inconvenience.  God's calling doesn't suit man's convenience. – Derek Prince

As I read this, I think to myself…I couldn’t have been more inconvenienced over the past seventeen years, if I’d tried but I do not want the opportunity for the seeds of rebellion to have any soil to take root in my life, let alone good soil. I admit, I am struggling. I am feeling unloved, forgotten and lost. I have walked through so much and though He has never done a thing my way, He has never failed me. I KNOW that why I rarely understand in the moment what the heck He is doing, He has never left me alone. I can reason all of this in my mind but my heart struggles. Things come up in my life that add to the confusion and the pain enough so that I wonder if I had misheard God all together. I began to doubt where I had been walking. Had all of this been a mistake?

My mind was reeling with what if scenarios until the voice of my loving, kind Pastor broke through all the noise in my head and heart and said what if you aren’t looking at all of this correctly? I urged him to go on … he said: “Tiffany, only God can give life. Only God is the author of life and it is NEVER a curse. Would your mother if asked say that you’ve been a curse upon her life?”. I said no, of course not I am her favorite and laughed (don’t get pissy; my mom loves all her girls uniquely and gives according to their needs; this statement was simply to lighten my own mood by making him laugh). Warren went on: “I know I don’t have to ask you whether you believe your own daughter to have been a curse upon your life, I have seen you love her; so why then is this a curse upon your son’s? Has he not been taught by the strong women that have come before him the direct opposite?”. Right there, He could have knocked me over with a feather. Part of me wanted to reject the truth of his words but the majority wanted it to sink into the marrow of my bones and let it heal those last bits of me that have somehow been held back from the truth. I wanted to accept with finality, God trading my ashes for His beauty.

This isn’t just a learned / head knowledge of scripture, particularly Romans 8:28: so, we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. Instead it is looking at my mistake of getting pregnant out of wedlock by an unsaved addict and KNOWING to the very depth of my soul the plan to wreck my life was taken away from satan and instead just like the death of Jesus upon the cross, was used by God to defeat him…my ashes for His beauty.

Warren then spoke words over the life on my son and his child, words that soothes my hurting heart, “this is where it ends, Tiffany. It’s not your daughter. It is your son and he is not like his father. He will love his child unconditionally. He will always be available and take care of what is his. It is who God created him to be.” I know those words are true. I know my son’s heart. His mind not so much. He surprises me from time to time, but his heart has been that of protector since before the time his father walked out the door of our home. God brought a lion to guard him, to guard his heart (read Give Peace a Chance, if you don’t get the reference). Honestly, I understand protector is who God created him to be and though not the way I imagined it, he is taking a giant step into becoming God’s best version of himself.

My Uncle Derald urged my cousins and I to never stop learning. He told me once that the more he learned, the more he understood he really knew nothing because God’s Word is alive and ever changing according to our needs; the message beneath the words on the page are just for you for just this time.

My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth (Isaiah 55:9). He thought what my family and I need most right now, is a baby and because I am inclined to trust Him, I think I will agree. I hope you will all join me in praying for my son, his soon to be bride and their little one on the way…that in the name of Jesus, God will bring with this sweet baby, a healing for both of themselves and their families that will allow for all of us, not just the daddy to become exactly who God has created us to be and that as this child grows, he/she will be healthy and raised always in the love and admonition of the Lord. Thank you, Father, Son and Spirit for your patience with me. Amen.