You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Lauren Daigle has a song on her new album, Look Up Child, that though might be written about herself, might as well be my anthem. The name of the song is, This Girl. The lyrics are below:

I've been a winding road, oh, I know You know
Sometimes a stranger in my home
Keep going back and forth through the open door
I'm still learning to be still

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've run for miles and lost sight of where You are
But You have seen me all along
Maybe I'm the last to know when I've gone too far
And yet I'm always by Your side

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
I can promise You this, now I know for sure
This girl ain't going anywhere

Oh, I know
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours
I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Oh, my heart is Yours

This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere
This girl ain't going anywhere-ere-ere
This girl ain't going anywhere

I've searched the world to find my heart is Yours
Yes, my heart is Yours, oh, oh oh oh
I've searched the world to find what I'm looking for
I want nothing more
Oh, my heart is Yours

I have always been one to think for myself and not wanting anyone making, especially my big choices, for me. Hence when I was younger, I searched my own soul for the answers to the questions we all at some time or another ask: Why am I here? Who am I? Is there a creator? What do I believe? What is the point?

When I was 19, I moved to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. My time at Texas Tech was not as well spent as it should have been. I did not really want to be there. I had originally applied and been accepted to Colorado State University in in Fort Collins. I had my roommate assignment, had chosen my first semester’s worth of classes and the future looked bright but I loved a boy more than I loved my dream. I switched Texas Tech to be with him. Lubbock was flat. Flat in ways I could not have imagined when I decided to change course. If not for my friend, Carolyn and Linda & Rex McFadden, friends of my father’s, I am not sure I would have remained sane. I had my second abortion that year. My best friend and roommate, at the time, just sort of went haywire. I was unhappy with my choices. I had no one to blame but myself. I went home that summer on scholastic probation not wanting to return.

During summer break, a high school friend who knew I really wanted to be in Colorado, offered me an invitation to come visit her in Steamboat Springs. Her employer was looking for another nanny. She was the head of human resources at the ski corporation; hence could provide us with guaranteed jobs there too during the winter months. I flew out for the visit. Fell in love with the town. I was offered the job and called my parents to tell them I wasn’t coming home; please send my things.

As I mentioned during this time, I was searching for meaning in my life. I had disappointed by love and wasn’t sure I believed in God. I read all types of books on all types of religions and was thinking of settling on Buddhism when I read something that said he had abandoned his wife and son in pursuit of finding his spiritual awakening. While I might have wondered about God and His role and my beliefs, I KNEW family was a solid trusted truth.

There was a shop in town owned by a Ute Indian woman and I began to ask her questions about religion and origins. She smoked her tobacco from an Indian pipe and would tell me stories about her people and way of life. One afternoon before the snow came, she asked me why I was questioning my creator. She told me to quit running from my truth and begin to know and understand there was just one creator. Only one God the creator who made both her and I and everyone that ever has been or will be. While I heard her loud and clear, it wouldn’t be until I found myself sitting in a pew months later, knowing I was pregnant for the third time that I would really apply that belief to my life permanently.

I rededicated my life to God on Easter Sunday 1991 knowing I wasn’t just choosing Him but choosing motherhood. My entire life was about to change BIG. I cannot explain to you the relief that came with the unconditional love my parents showed me. I cannot explain the peace that came with knowing I was walking out my path with God at my side, knowing He would never fail me. It was magnificent! It did not last.

Since, I have, as we all do … had my feet on the summit of the mountain and felt as if I was drowning in the seas of life. I have been at peace in the valley and cried myself to sleep wondering if my life would ever be peaceful again. Life is indeed, a roller coaster! I have felt alone and discouraged. I have felt alone and courageous. The feelings of my life have run the absolute gamut but that seed of the knowledge that God does not leave me has grown into a tree that provides shelter. It doesn’t block the storm, but it is enough to remind me, He is there.

I get wonky, still. I get hurt. My feelings flare and I must take charge of them…but as I have grown and matured in my faith, I have been both given and taught tools and coping mechanisms that get me through the hardest of times while reminding me to be remain grateful during the fleeting highs of life. A young man in my church once spoke over me that the peace I was seeking would never come to me here, on this earth. That my life would always be moving and shaking and exciting. Excitement is overrated (snort). Peace is not. I was upset at those words until I came to understand the full depth of their meaning. God has called me to love and when you love like He loves, there is always excitement. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Always exciting.

I encourage you to find your path to your own beliefs and never let someone else or your upbringing choose for you. Only then will you be able to throw it at the wall of your life and watch it stick. I raised my children to develop their own faith. While I haven’t always liked what that look like, I know when they finally choose for themselves, it will be an unwavering choice of faith that will withstand whatever satan throws at them or how hard he throws it.

No matter where life takes me, I know these words are true:

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving … Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten … but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 partial verses 8-10, The Passion Translation)

I always read it as written and then again replacing the word LOVE with GOD because God IS love (1 John 4:7). I know I have written about this passage before, but I find them to be a cornerstone, a hard truth that has led me to an understanding that the one thing about love we often forget to give it to ourselves as generously as we give it to others … not doing this can block our ability to receive love from God. We can pray for a million different things, but God cannot give you a single one, if you never learn to accept love as freely as you give love. You cannot reap the harvest, if you never glean the field.

Ha! That wasn’t at all what I thought I was going to write when I began. I bow my head and pray with you a prayer of forgiveness for not openly accepting the good as willingly as I accept the bad. I ask God for both of us to open ourselves up to the blessings we do not believe we deserve, and I ask Him to give us His eyes and heart not just for those around us but also for the person staring back at us in the mirror. And as always, I thank Him for His patience with me. In the name of Jesus, so be it…AMEN!

Can anybody find me somebody to love...

Even if you fail me … I believe in you.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16 KJV).

For this is how much God loved the world—he gave his one and only, unique Son as a gift. So now everyone who believes in him will never perish but experience everlasting life (John 3:16 TPT).

For God expressed His love for the world in this way: He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him will not face everlasting destruction, but will have everlasting life (John 3:16 Voice).

Did it sink in as you read it over a few times? Did the question: what am I willing to give, come to your mind? Is there ANYONE you love ENOUGH that you would allow to cost you that one thing or person most precious to you in order to save their very life? What if you knew going in that you would make this enormous sacrifice and the person on the other end would fail you? Would you, could you still lay it down?

Rejected a billion times over by the ones He loves has never enough to stop God.

Genesis 6 speaks of the time of Noah; how men had become wicked and egotistical. In verses 5- 7, the Bible states: The Eternal One saw that wickedness was rampaging throughout the earth and that evil had become the first thought on every mind, the constant purpose of every person. At that point God’s heart broke, and He regretted having ever made man in the first place. God gave us a second chance after the flood. If you don’t, know that whole story…you are not going to hear it here but know we did not get it right even then directly after the flood and we have continued to make mistakes both large and small from there to here. BUT STILL He loved us enough to send Jesus to die for our sin.

Paul writes in Romans 8: 35-38: Who could ever separate us from the endless love of God’s Anointed One? Absolutely no one! For nothing in the universe has the power to diminish his love toward us. Troubles, pressures, and problems are unable to come between us and heaven’s love. What about persecutions, deprivations, dangers, and death threats? No, for they are all impotent to hinder omnipotent love, even though it is written: All day long we face death threats for your sake, God. We are considered to be nothing more than sheep to be slaughtered! Yet even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything! So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love.

What can separate someone from your love…?

Who do you love enough to do what He did for you? Is there anyone for whom you’d lay down your life? Is there a person you are willing to tell day in and day out, “I love you even though you fail me”? Is there someone you continue to believe in even when they repeatedly don’t keep their word? Are you capable even in the tiniest capacity of loving someone, anyone, the way that Christ, His Father and the Holy Spirit love you? Are you willing to fight the pain of fear and rejection to make sure the people God places in and around you always feel His love and never your brokenness? Where do you stand?

It is a heavy ask.

The world today is such a turbulent place. So much hate. So much negativity. More love is the only combatant to our current circumstance. Love is as contagious as hate; just harder to ignite. I encourage you to find a single person in which to invest His persistent love (definition below) because if I pick one and you pick one and those two pick one, eventually, the world will be healed.

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

When it rains, it pours.

When it rains…it pours…

We all know the saying and generally we apply it to bad times, not good. Americans know it as the advertising slogan for the Morton Salt Company. Supposedly, it is a twist on an old English proverb: It never rains but it pours. It is speculated the saying originated in the 18th century and means: when troubles come, they come together.

When I read that… I read when troubles come, they come to get her because that is where I am at right now. Trouble is coming to get me.

It always begins with one thing. May be big; may be small.  Mine was big. Then something else happens and that thing begins to make you tired because you are already in fight. Already down. Already depleted. Another thing. Now, you feel alone. Depressed. Unloved. Defeated. And then another…until you being to question your walk, your calling, your life.

I am in a storm. It isn’t letting up but instead, intensifying. I don’t want to be swallowed up. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to lose myself and who I know God created me to me. I need to find my way to the eye of the storm because there…the storm can rage around me, but I can be still in the calm.

How, when I am bone weary do I make my way to the eye?

James 5:13 reminds us that if we are in trouble, we should pray.

Prayer is our best defense AND offense. We need the light of God to chase away the impending darkness: God is pure light. You will never find even a trace of darkness in him (1 John 1:5). Light is important to our bodies, physically too. Exposure to sunlight increases the levels of the hormone, Serotonin. Serotonin is a mood boosting hormone that helps us feel calm and focused which in turn chases away depression. Sunlight also provides us with Vitamin D which keeps our bones and teeth healthy.

1 John goes onto to tell us in chapter 5, verses 14 & 15: since we have this confidence, we can also have great boldness before Him, for if we present any request agreeable to His will, He will hear us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we also know that we have obtained the requests we ask of Him. Furthermore, Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us: for I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. God has plans for me that include peace not evil and a future full of hope. I am never to forget that…even when it is raining. Since my confidence is in Him and not my circumstances, I can BOLDLY go before Him and request His will for my life, including a future full of hope not fear.

I need bolstering; to retell myself that God is my strength (Psalm 28:7) and He has promised to save me until I have a refreshed belief in that truth, until it is anchored once again in my mind, heart and soul. Pursue the Lord and His strength; seek His face always! (1 Chronicles 11:16) reminds me that my God can strengthen me, if I pursue Him. In 2 Chronicles, God plainly states: and if My people (who are known by My name) humbly pray, follow My commandments, and abandon any actions or thoughts that might lead to further sinning, then I shall hear their prayers from My house in heaven, I shall forgive their sins, and I shall save their land from the disasters. He WILL save me from disasters because I AM one His people and known by His name, if I pray and continue to follow Him. That promise doesn’t quit! I am committed to my relationship with Him. I do my best not to sin and not just the obvious ones pointed out in the Bible but also those things revealed through the Holy Spirit, specifically in my life. Hence, when I pray He hears me in Heaven. He forgives me anew because I promise you my flaws keep me from perfection, every day. Logically then…He will save me from disaster in my land which I interpret to be those things that make up my life: my family, my friends, my home, my health, my finances.

Bolster means to support, strengthen or pop up. Hence, I shouldn’t be alone. Two are better than one because a good return comes when two work together. If one of them falls, the other can help him up. But who will help the pitiful person who falls down alone? (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) God WILL! He has not left me alone! In fact: when holy lovers of God cry out to Him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles (Psalm 34:17). He has sent me a Helper (John 14:16) in the Holy Spirit who dwells (1 Corinthians 3:16 & 6:19 | 2 Timothy 1:14) within me and reminds me of His constant presence in my life.

In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says: For wherever two or three come together in honor of my name, I am right there with them! So, if I need His immediate presence, I need to find a few people to come together and honor His name. And if one person is vulnerable to attack, two can drive the attacker away. As the saying goes, “A rope made of three strands is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). See the whole point of the storm is to make us feel isolated but our isolation is a lie. Even if you have no one else, you have Him, and He has you. He will never leave you or forsake you even unto the end of the world (Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8 | Matthew 28:20 | Hebrews 13:5).

I need to lean on the truth of God’s Word.

Psalm 55:22: So here’s what I’ve learned through it all: Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, and measureless grace will strengthen you.

2 Timothy 1:7: For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control.

Hebrews 4:16: So now we come freely and boldly to where love is enthroned, to receive mercy’s kiss and discover the grace we urgently need to strengthen us in our time of weakness.

Romans 8:28: So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.

Once I remind myself of who I am and to whom I belong, I can be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). In that stillness, I now find myself in the eye of the storm protected by God who loves me and while it might still be raining a bit inside the eye, I can see that rain clearly now as something washing me clean from the grime of the world.

Our refinement (Isaiah 48:9-11 | 1 Peter 1:7) is continual which is why Paul calls life a race and a fight in 2 Timothy 4:6-8. We should not just expect bumps in the road or storms but a refiner’s fire. We need to understand and not forget when we are walking in the fire…just like those boys in Babylon (Daniel 3), we are walking with Jesus and we cannot be burned if we keep ourselves in His presence.

Job is our Biblical example to never lose sight of Him no matter what our hearts feel, or eyes see. In chapter 22 of Job, Eliphaz ask Job, “can a strong person be of any use to God?”. God can use anyone He wants whenever He wants. He is after all, God but He enjoys using someone who understands that when we are at the end of ourselves, we are at the beginning of Him. He uses our brokenness to develop His strength in us…greater is He that is in you, than he who is the world (1 John 4:4).

God wants us to become fearless…and satan will wage war on that until the day you die. It is my duty to not let the storms overtake me. It is my job not to become isolated. It is important not to allow myself to be silenced. IT IS MY OBLIGATION TO CONTINUE TO LOVE! Because when love reigns, it pours.

Come hell or high water...

What are you like when you lose your safety net?

James Dobson has a quote that I quite like: “make no important, life shaping decisions quickly or impulsively and when in doubt, stall for time”.

Women especially, like to have a sense of safety and well being. They like being settled into a place where they know they are liked, loved and appreciated…valued. Men like routine, to know they are usual and productive. We all have our touchstones, even the risk takers.

So, what happens when you lose your safety net? What happens when home is no longer safe or the person that swore to love you forever doesn’t anymore? What do you do when your best friend betrays you or that think you were counting on, disappears? Where do you run?

The Book of Psalms is full of David’s lamenting about such things and like him, we should run into the arms of God:

Our God is a mighty God who saves us over and over! Psalms 68:20a

All who are oppressed may come to you as a shelter in the time of trouble, a perfect hiding place. May everyone who knows your mercy keep putting their trust in you, for they can count on you for help no matter what. O Lord, you will never, no never, neglect those who come to you. Psalm 6:9-10

When you sit enthroned under the shadow of Shaddai, you are hidden in the strength of God Most High. He’s the hope that holds me and the Stronghold to shelter me, the only God for me, and my great confidence. Psalm 91:1-2

Betrayal hurts and the bad times suck but the Bible promises us in Isaiah 40:31: but those who trust in the Eternal One will regain their strength. They will soar on wings as eagles. They will run—never winded, never weary. They will walk—never tired, never faint. That word provides hope that no matter what happens to you, if you put your trust in Him, you will have what you need to persevere. He is an undaunted, renewable energy source and as believer, you can draw on His strength to pull you through…come hell or high water.

I encourage you to not let satan convince you that you are alone in whatever trial or hard time you might be surviving right now. He wants you to believe that you are alone, so he can isolate you, cut the ties that bind you to what is real and true. Instead, reach out and if the first hand you grab smacks you away, keep reaching until you find one that holds firm. Refuse to trust the deception of the father of lies and chose to KNOW what your eyes can’t see and your heart can’t feel…that you are truly and completely adored and deeply loved by the ONE who created you and that He is always as close as your next breath, all you need to do it continue to breathe and believe.

Better than He found you...

Job 42:10-17 …  The Eternal restored the fortunes of Job after he prayed for his friends; He even doubled the wealth he had before. All of his brothers and sisters, along with those he had known earlier, came and shared meals with him at his house. They sympathized with him and consoled him regarding the great distress the Eternal had brought on him. Each guest gave him a sum of money and each, a golden ring. The Eternal One blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than the first part. He went on to possess 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 teams of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. He also fathered 7 more sons and 3 more daughters. He named his first daughter Jemimah, his second Keziah, and his third Keren-Happuch. Nowhere in all the land could one find women as captivatingly beautiful as Job’s daughters, or as independently wealthy: their father gave them each a share of the family inheritance along with their brothers. After all this, Job lived 140 years. He lived to see his children and their children and so on, to the fourth generation. Then Job died, old, and satisfied with his days.

Did you catch it? I’ve read this passage many, many times before and missed it…

He named his first daughter Jemimah, his second Keziah, and his third Keren-Happuch. Nowhere in all the land could one find women as captivatingly beautiful as Job’s daughters, or as independently wealthy: their father gave them each a share of the family inheritance along with their brothers.

This time it jumped off the page and me and screamed: look harder at me! If you know anything about the way things worked back in the Old Testament, you understand that it was the sons, not the daughters that were of importance. It is highly unusual to name the daughters and not the sons. I know the nudge of the Holy Spirit when He smacks me to attention. I reached out to two men (one is my pastor, the other my teacher) that might be able to quickly point me in the right direction; my pastor urged to me investigate the meaning of the daughters’ names. I did this immediately.

Jemimah

Arabic = little dove

Hebrew = she who is as beautiful as the sun or she who acts like the sea or a day that belongs to God or fortunate / handsome

Keziah

Cassia tree = sweet scented spice like cinnamon 

Ingredient of anointing oil; known as the fragrance of Christ

Derived from verb to scrape or cut off and noun set in corner of structure (border)

*it is done* = qasa = abrupt severing or ending

Person in position to make rules or decisions 

End of the tabernacle curtains

Keren-Happuch

To shine or be radiant like the moon

Bloom or shine

Also horn

Splendor of color

Horn of Antimony = eye paint

Right away I saw a correlation between their names and the Trinity. Jemimah means dove. The dove represents the Holy Spirit. Keziah, the cassia tree which actually means the fragrance of Chris, not a big leap here but Keren-Happuch didn’t fit the way my mind was rolling on this, but still I knew there was a personal message in all of this for me.

During the time I was researching the names, my teacher emailed me a study done on this exact passage. I opened it and read to find I was on the right track with equating the names of Job’s daughters with the Godhead but since I do not know the nuances of scripture as much as my teacher or my pastor, I had misinterpreted their names slightly.

Jemimah is day by day which implies endless daylight and endless life: God, the Father…He never sleeps nor slumbers (Psalm 121:4).

Keziah … this one I was spot on! Yeah me! God, the Son: his death was the sweet-smelling sacrifice God, the Father required for our sin and He is our Healer just as cassia was used as medicine. One of the Hebrew words her name is derived from means: "it is finished", the very words Jesus spoke on the Cross (John 19:30).

Keren-Happuch… the name that threw me for a loop because I couldn’t see any correlation between a horn of powdered makeup and a member of the Trinity, but the author of the study points out that the makeup is used to adorn and beautify just as the Holy Spirit does for us when we are saved and infilled by Him. He covers up our nasty parts so that when God, the Father looks upon us all He sees is His Son. From there, the Holy Spirit continues to work in our lives refining us, showing us the truth and helping us take on the actual attributes of Christ until we become new creatures in Him (Colossians 3:3 / John15:26 / 2 Corinthians 5:17). One interesting thing my pastor pointed out was that a life had to be sacrificed so you could have that horn to fill with what equates to ashes used for beauty... beauty for ashes, the promise God gives to those that mourn for Zion.

If you’ve read anything I have written in this blog before then you know I have struggled with God’s little pet name for me, Beautiful. This scripture also references the beauty of Job’s daughters. In fact, they were the most beautiful in all of Israel. If you know me well, then you know I struggle with feeling hidden and unnoticed, unimportant, left out…like no one really sees BUT God sees and just like Job’s daughters who were important enough to Job to leave a specific and equal inheritance to, I am that kind of important to my Father. He knows where I am always, and He isn’t hanging me out to dry or leaving me alone in the wilderness to fend for myself. Instead, He is taking His time to prepare for me a table before me in the presence of my enemy (Psalm 23:5) and announce me as His daughter and heir after which my enemy (satan) will understand that the battle over my life has already been won (I John 5:4); that I am submitted and he must flee from me (James 4:7).

When we come into a clear understanding that are battle is over and we are already set free, we then become free to help wage war on behalf of the lives of others. We are free to live fearlessly and walk into anything we are called, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are already victorious, regardless of what our eyes see, and our hearts feel but we like God must sacrifice something precious: ourselves, our pride, our plans (Galatians 2:20 / Romans 8).

It’s so cool to me sometimes how God uses silly things to say, I love you.  I read this scripture and saw Job had three daughters. The number 3 is a repetitive theme in my life and just like that, Holy Spirit made this scripture jump off the page for me last Friday like it never had before to deliver a message specific for me, but I think if you really look, there is something there for you too: a promise. A promise to leave you better than He found you.

Rose colored glasses called, Grace...

What are those things that you fear?  Those things that keep you bound to where you are instead of where you want to be or where God wants you to be?  Is it your past?  Is it fear of the unknown, of the future, or a person or crowds or spiders?  Fear is like food: you need it to survive but it can make you sedentary if you get too much of it.  Fear serves a good, godly purpose when we aren’t using it or allowing it to be used as a weapon.  Most of our fears are unwarranted.  Quite simply derived from things we’ve blown out of proportion in our minds.  I am not saying phobias aren’t real, so let’s not get off base here.  I am saying that something bad happens to you; not tragic, bad and you begin to let it control how you think or feel about yourself and the others around you.  You lose your vulnerability and creativity and start building walls and chasms.

Satan controls most of us in this way.  It’s pretty bad for the ladies.  You are too fat or skinny or loud or quiet or too much to handle (this one likes me).  “You are too: are the worst three words in the English language.  I really dislike them because most of the time that thing you are too of is the very place your gift lies.  You are too friendly, too open and your gift is hospitality.  You are too loud or too aggressive but God designed you to be a leader.  You are too quiet or too boring and truly what you are is reliable and steady.  We need to see that too often this word proceeds a manipulation of the devil and quit giving it power over who we were created to be.

For everything I am, there is something that I am not but my combination is special, designed by an Almighty God that doesn’t make mistakes.  Break it down to its simplest form and again we see our own pride gets in the way.  We think we know more about ourselves than God the Creator.  We think He was wrong or made a mistake when He fashioned us in this manner.  We think that desire to be whatever it is He is calling you to, is some kind of lie or unachievable dream when in reality, we are only denying ourselves.

You want to live fearlessly? The very first step is acceptance of who God created you to be.  It is looking in the mirror and no matter what satan is telling you is staring back at you, trusting in God’s truth which is what is real.  Seeing the beauty He formed in you.  It is deciding to no longer believe the lie that you are worthless or too much this or that or not enough of whatever.  It is seeing yourself as you see pretty much every other person you know, through some rose colored glasses called, grace.

I am and will always be too loud.  I have wildly curly hair.  I can carry a tune but I am not a singer.  I love people so much my heart aches with it sometimes.  I can be cold and calculating.  I hate spiders even though I understand why they must live among us.  I will always be just a little bit chubby.  I have football player thighs and calves.  I have had two abortions and two children.  I like my nose.  I over feel things when it’s that time of the month.  I make mistakes and fall short. I am not afraid although maybe I should be, to yell at God when I am pissed.  I love my Bronco.  ALL of these small things add up to be the BIG sum of what makes me, me but none of it makes me less beautiful than God made me.

I don't need your approval...

Love is sort of a theme for me. I asked God to help me get better at giving it because most of us give love how we’d like to get it, as opposed to how the other person needs to receive it. I wanted to love more people and improve my delivery. I wanted to look past my opinions and judgments and see what He sees.

I devoured books on love for a few years. Put myself under a pastor; love is his very nature. Asked for His eyes and heart and then came to a very sobering realization: you can love someone perfectly and they might never love you back because love is a choice.

He loves all of us every day without fail. He doesn’t get a break when He sleeps. He can’t unplug for few days while on vacation.  He can’t run away or make it stop…and while I get He is God and probably doesn’t need all that, I now understand the toll it can to take to love someone who is resistant. He being God does this on a grand, global scale day in and day out and never fails because He is Love.

So how can we do what He does in our own lives without wanting to cut ourselves or punch a face or eventually run away in frustration and hide? We are only human. We have limits. How do we give ourselves away and not lose who we are? Remain vulnerable in the face of resistant, wounded people that spite us for trying? I have found that I must love people from a place that comes from Him not from me, as previously discussed BUT I have also found a deep abiding truth…

 I don’t need your approval to be who He created me to be. He made me the way I am to reach someone you can’t and vice versa.

When you love someone from a place that comes from inside of you, your expectation is that they will eventually love you back but when the love comes from place that is His, it can be better, bigger, whole because it isn’t limited to my abilities.

I must admit that I am quite sure I still have A LOT of room for improvement. I know that the people I trust most are those that have proven themselves to me, directly. BUT, I also recognize that I give away love much more freely nowadays than I used to, especially to those at my church. It is a special place and I have found I trust those people more readily who chose to stay and surrender themselves to Him in that place. I have a desire now to brighten someone’s day no matter how my heart feels. Bend in ways I didn’t before not because I couldn’t but because I was unwilling.

I am still careful not to reveal all of myself outside my circle of trust. Many people think they know me when, they haven’t even scratched the surface. Not sure whether that’s the right or wrong way but I am sure that when He asks, I will be willing to bare myself as needed.

I listened awhile back to a teaching, The 12 Proofs of Love:

1. Passion and/or desire to give.
2. Desire to protect.
3. Passion and/or desire to please.
4. Willingness to change and/or adapt.
5. Willingness to confront and preserve.
6. Willingness to listen.
7. Willingness to obey.
8. Ability to endure.
9. Inability to ignore.
10. Investment of time.
11. Pursuit.
12. Inability to betray.

He said (can’t remember who the dude was unfortunately) some enlightening things:

• Love is not understanding someone.
• Love is more than a feeling of desire.
• The Holy Spirit is the factory of love.
• Nobody loves all the time.

The one that struck home the most for me: what satan cannot stop, he accelerates so that you cannot enjoy the present because you are rushing around. Loving more proficiently means no rushing around. It means telling that person they can go in front of you (the Lord has to give me grace when I am driving). It means telling someone they look nice. It means holding a hand. It means a smile at stranger. It is a million little things that let the people around you, no matte where you are that you care about their happiness.

Anyway… I guess that answers the question, what would happen if you quit trying to save the world and just helped the person in front of you that was plaguing me yesterday.

Love transforms the spirit.

Saturday morning, I got up and a pesky little thought kept running through my mind: if the result of your love isn’t unity and community then it’s broken. I must admit that I don’t love everybody, and I don’t love all the time. In fact, I often find myself wanting to smack some of you but most importantly, some of the people I do love… unity and community is not the always outcome.

I thought about the different reasons for the different outcomes within my relationships. From my perspective, some are my fault, some are their fault and others the fault of circumstance. For instance, I used to love my ex-husband. I loved him even after our divorce. I loved him even after he remarried. I mean this is the father of my kids we are talking about it, after all, but the year our son graduated from high school, our daughter got married. Their father decided not to attend our son’s graduation dinner party and not pay for any portion of our daughter’s wedding. When I tried to appeal to him because both of his children were hurting, I was told to butt out as both of our children were now adults and he did not need my help communicating with either one of them. He has never been a man able to maintain putting our children’s needs above his own and I will admit that after he bullied our daughter because she would not allow him the honor of walking her down the aisle though he was contributing nothing to the wedding, I lost respect and lost love.

I have two sisters and I am sure they would both agree that I do not love them all the time. In fact, I have been mostly estranged from one of them for quite some time now.  We were closest when we were younger but as we grew into adulthood, something broke. Not sure how the fracture began but it grew into a fissure and then a hard break. I believe she would tell you that I do not love her which is not the case, I do very much. I know at this point, only God can provide the healing we need. The other has desired a closer relationship, but we have been unable to realize that goal. We are very different and yet come from a shared upbringing. We look very much alike, often being mistaken for twins but we don’t share much common ground. I also love her very much, but to like her, I had to learn to appreciate our differences, understanding God made her purposely. I have not always loved them like I should, when I should. We tend to overuse our relationships with family, believing them to be our relationships most capable of standing the test of time and taking the abuse… the whole blood is thicker than water mentality.

I have at times left a trail of tears in the wake of my love.

So how does my broken love get mended and molded into something that is bringing unity and creating community? Brings us straight back to asking the question what is love? I John 4 verses 8 and 16 tell us God is love and as discussed before the more in-depth description of how Love / God acts in in I Corinthians 13:4-8a: Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. 5 Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. 6 Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. 7 Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. 8 Love never stops loving.

Verse 8 concludes with: Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten…which means to me at the end of everything, there is love. It was here before us and it will be here after you and I are gone. It is greater than us. It is bigger than us. Perfect love is beyond what we are in and of ourselves are capable of. It is something that needs to be practiced because it does not often come naturally.

In Aramaic, the first verse: love is patient can be translated into love transforms the spirit. What else on earth can transform us like love does? What we first must come to truly understand is that we are not capable of the kind of love that Christ is calling us to, the type that brings unity and builds community, without Him. The more I try to love the way that He loves, the better my love gets because it’s no longer just my love but rather mine transformed by His.

It allows me to love someone who has hurt me without requiring apology. It allows me to love someone who isn’t mature and regularly making mistakes. It allows me to find the best in every person. It helps me find hope in every situation. Nothing and no one are lost to His love. Not me. Not you. Not anyone. Unless of course, you are choosing to hide yourself from Him like Adam and Eve in the garden. Hiding is only an illusion though because He saw them, and He sees you. He is the Shepherd that leaves the ninety-nine for the one (Matthew 18:12). We can read the words and understand them but to comprehend we must first be loved (I John 4:19).

I know a man. He is a good man. He tries to be kind and helpful to everyone around him. His life has not been easy: given away as a baby, never adopted, raised in group homes. What he has endured would break many and yet he survived. He is good, but he doesn’t know how to accept love. He doesn’t know how to give love. He equates it only with a sexual, romantic type relationship. God chases him. Praying for him one evening, God showed me this man walking in the dark, then God shined His light down on this man so that he could see but the man stood, still in the darkness, refusing to open his eyes. He said, “I don’t know where to You want me to go?” God replied, you need only open your eyes as your path is illuminated” but he stood there, eyes shut, hands out trying to feel his way what was now only a perceived darkness.  I shared this with him. He believes he is looking for a woman when in fact, he is looking for the healing love that ONLY God can provide. It hurts me to watch him not allow himself to be truly loved but aren’t we all just a bit like that: eyes closed, afraid of opening them to the light of His love? We are more afraid of who He might ask us to love in return for the light than we are the darkness.

I love some well. Some better than others. When I analyze those relationships I am better at, it doesn’t simply come down to liking someone or understanding them but rather it is those that began from a place He created within me where my own judgments and opinions were not allowed to develop before His love for them was rooted in me. My prayer is that eventually my older relationships that are broken will eventually be renewed as I learn to more deliberate in how I love.

I told a friend who had asked me: how do I love without getting hurt all time; that I have found the key is to love through Him. I can love anyone He asked me to love because the love I am exuding is His and immeasurable. It is not so touchy and doesn’t mind being vulnerable. In fact, it sees vulnerability as strength. I am more particular with my own love; the love that is mine to give away. That love takes time to develop because it relies on trust and honesty and loyalty…plus a myriad of other things important to me for maintain a loving relationship but HIS LOVE is not reliant on ANYTHING BUT HIM. His love instantaneous, never fails and is everlasting, so I can give it away like candy…and so can you!

My love is broken. I drink tequila. I have tattoos.  I still use cuss words. I need to lose a few. My office is a messy. I want to smack the bumpers of people driving slower than me in the left-hand lane. I am in NO way perfect but grace brings me thankfully into a beautiful place where His perfect love can flow through me and be what He needs me to be for whomever is in need of His love regardless of color, gender, sexual preference, hairstyle, body-type, whether they drive on two wheels or four, etc. because LOVE TRANSFORMS THE SPIRIT and the first spirit it transforms in me.

Can you let God be God and worship Him still…?

All our lives are filled with ups and downs. Each of us has burdens to bear and paths to walk…some harder than others. I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with stage four cancer almost five years ago: lung, brain, liver and bone. She has attacked this cancer diagnosis with a ferocity that is uniquely her through faith, food, medicine, supplements and yoga.

We went to high school together. She was friends first with my youngest sister but as we grew up, our lives followed a similar path, single mother. She lost her mother to breast cancer shortly after she graduated high school. Her father moved away and married again. Her aunt, executor of her mother’s will, misappropriated the money her mother had left behind to help her children attend college and begin “adult” lives. She never became bitter. She just worked harder.

She worked her way into a good job, making good money. She worked her way into a happy relationship with a ring on her finger. She worked her way into a nice house filled with a healthy, vibrant son. She worked her way into a good life, filled with good people whom she loved. American dream and all that.

When her son was nine, she took a trip down to the coast of Texas to spend the day with her fiancé, some friends and her son. She had managed to maintain a friendship with the father of her child. He was there too and they all enjoyed a day in the boat on the salt water. The father decided to leave early and left his son behind to finish enjoying the day with his mother and their friends not knowing that when it came time for boat to be pulled out of the water, to be loaded onto the trailer and hauled a short few blocks home, their son would fall and boat on the trailer would unknowingly run over him causing a lung to collapse and his skull to be cracked and his brain to be injured.

He was airlifted to a Corpus Christi hospital and to be honest, I can no longer remember how long he was in intensive care, but that hospital became her home for the next year. She watched her son fight for his right to breathe and live and she watched as the little boy she had given life to become a very different child. Friends rallied at first but as time wore on, she found very few could endure. She and the father were both understandably, angry. Though I walked with her through this time, I still cannot fathom the pain, hurt and anger at the situation…the hand she was dealt.

She is a very strong, very intelligent, very persistent woman and she tackled the issues facing her son head on… in a very HER way. When we were young, she was THAT friend that was so loyal she was ready at all times to do battle on your behalf. If someone looked at you wrong, she was the girl shouting: “hey bubba; wanna take this outside where I can teach you some manners?” She was always the available shoulder to cry on that would give you comfort food, then smack your ass and say okay, not let’s get back out there.

During this time, she did not just lose who her son had been before the accident. She lost her finance, her job, her house, her friendship with the father, many friends and her freedom but she never let that stop her. She continued to fight and provide for her son. She never just took a diagnosis as gospel. She researched and taught herself all there was to know about the challenges he faces. In fact, she’s become such an expert, she has been asked on many occasions to advocate for other children. Doctors and nurses not up to snuff, fear and respect her. She has always been fierce but now she is a force to be reckoned with as the fight within her fueled her to always push every boundary for the betterment of her son.

When she was diagnosed herself, I feared the anger that had subsided would again, rear its head but instead, she changed. Always a believer, she was now in a position of no longer be capable of handling all this on her own. I watched as every shackle began to fall away, and she began to rely fully on Him. Now, I need you to understand, her faith was already stronger than most people you and I know. God had been making a way and her ends meet since her son’s accident. But a heart that had been filled with struggle was being transformed to a heart filled with love. Some might disagree with me because as I said before, she is strong willed and fierce, always willing to go toe to toe with anyone bringing negativity into her world but as she came to the end of herself, she found a strength that is only Him.

Everyday isn’t perfect. She loses her temper with certain situations. She struggles to trust people. I am not claiming she is angelic or without fault or flaw but what I am saying is that none of this…NONE of it, has kept her from believing in both her son’s healing and her own. None of it has stopped her from trying to help others less fortunate around her. None of it has robbed her of her the fight or faith within her. Instead all of it has molded her into a warrior that searched every nook and cranny of both the physical and spiritual world for His answers for her life. She has not been broken. She hasn’t been defeated. She hasn’t given up. She has been bolstered by an unwavering truth that God is God and she will worship Him still.

Whatever you are facing today…whatever attack you are under…are you able let God be God and worship Him still? Can you be like Job: “Look, He may well kill me, but I will hope in Him. Still I will be ready to argue my case before His very face. In fact, this will become my salvation, for the godless wouldn’t even dare to approach Him (Job 13:15-16).” In your darkest hour, can you put your pride down, your doubt, fear, anxiety, issues of worth, your disappointment and worry…can you lay those at His feet and say, “I will praise God for as long as I live. I will sing praises to my God as long as breath fills my lungs and blood flows through my veins. (Psalm 146:2)”?

Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39) but praise and worship can separate us from what ails us. He inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3). Hence when we worship, we are in His presence and in His presence is the fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). God is love (I John 4:8) and perfect love which He is, cast out fear (I John 4:18). My friend has no fear. She doesn’t want you thinking or saying or believing God can’t do His work in and through her. In fact, she will remove herself from anyone that doesn’t believe this along side her.  I thank her for the example of hope she is to me and others around her, running life’s marathon race with passion and determination, for the path has been already marked out before us (Hebrews 12:1).

She’s always reminded me of Winston Churchill. Here are a few of his quotes to inspire both me and you:

•  If you’re going through hell, keep going.
• You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
• To improve is to change, so to be perfect is to have changed often.
• Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
•  Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.
• Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

I never did mind about the little things...

It always sort of weirds me out when what is swimming around in my mind, manifests itself out of one of my pastors’ mouths.  God often used this tactic to confirm streams of thought to me … or rather its direction.  My mind is one that likes to muddle through what I see going on in and around my life to try to decipher a pattern or a path because once I can see choices, I can discern outcomes.

This spiritual gift is why God often choose to leave me in the dark when it comes to my own shit. It frustrates me. Leaves me feeling lost, alone and forgotten … that is until I realize that it is a self-inflicted loneliness and I shake it off, understanding once again that He is asking me to walk by faith not by sight: for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Last night at Bible study, Jacob Diaz was speaking to us about submission. Often when pondering what it truly means to submit to the will of God, I find myself singing Keith Green’s: To Obey is Better than Sacrifice. Heavy words…to obey is better than sacrifice. I want more than Sunday and Wednesday nights…cause if you can't come to Me every day then don't bother coming at all. To obey is better than sacrifice, I want hearts of fire not your prayers of ice and I'm coming quickly to give back to you according to what you have done.

I have found that it is in submitting the small things that He really begins to lead my life. It is much easier to say yes to being obedient the big things because we see those things as a calling; than it is to tell the person who is pissing you off, I love you anyway. BUT it is our submission in these little things that show Him we are willing to be obedient and capable of being trusted.

Surrendering our will for His, has for me been the hardest struggle throughout my walk of faith. I really like empirical evidence. I like knowing where I am going and what the outcome will be. I enjoy those relationships most where the other person says I love you too or lets me know I am needed and wanted. Sometimes, I feel like I had better faith when I was younger but in truth, I only lack real faith in one area and it is in this area that He requires me to walk by faith the most… OF FREAKING COURSE. I know when I stay surrender in my attitude and keep my heart vulnerable, I am happiest. When I begin to think too much about semantics, I get bogged down and when I get bogged down, I get unhappy and when I get unhappy, doubt sets in and then I feel alone. I feel alone because I took my eyes off Him. Our relationship, with Him, is the ONLY relationship we have where it is ABSOLUTELY okay to lose ourselves. Doing this is our worldly relationship causes codependency and heartache.

I suck at sitting still. Hence, He makes me sit still. He puts me in situations where it is necessary and others, where it needs to be my witness to help another. If I am not obedient, I cannot help. If I cannot help, then someone else might not get the exact help they need. PARADOX! The more mature my faith becomes, the less I want to rebel and say no to Him and the more aware I become of what that no might cost myself and others. I don’t always have the best attitude. Many times, my yes is more of a fine accompanied by rolling eyes and maybe a firm turn in His direction, but I go and willingly because I know His ways are higher. I don’t just read it in the Bible in Isaiah 55:8-9: My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. I KNOW IT because time and time again when I push the outcome ranges from not so good to horrific BUT when I wait on Him, when I am still and KNOW He is God, things seem to just work themselves out in ways that I would have never imagine and generally if not always, for my benefit.

Give peace a chance...

I was married to an addict who would come in late and incoherent, sometimes passing out in our son’s bedroom. This frightened me because my ex-husband often would black out and my son was small being only 3-years old. I, of course, never shared this with my son or my daughter for that matter. They were much too young to carry the burden of their parents.

One afternoon, I was home alone with my son.  We were on the couch watching Nickelodeon…Blue’s Clues, Little Bear, etc. when he turned to me and grabbed my face. He kissed me and said, “Mama, you don’t have to worry about me. There is a giant lion outside my window. He keeps me safe.” I laughed, and we spoke about it a bit. I asked him if the lion was a girl or a boy and what color; about his roar. Then we slipped back into watching cartoons. I honestly, did not give it too much thought as children are often wildly creative when making up stories.

Soon after, my ex-husband and I decided it was time to part ways (a story for another time). My sister and her family lived across the street, so our children would often play together. About a week after my ex-husband’s departure, my nephew was over playing with my son. After snack time, he crawled up into my lap and asked me if I had ever seen the giant lion that was outside Keller’s window. He proceeded to tell me how big the lion was and that it was there to keep Keller safe.  He could see it from his bedroom window and would often hear him roar when Keller’s daddy would come home late at night. In that moment, it occurred to me that the lion would roar to keep my ex-husband from passing out on Keller’s bed; instead directing him to the other twin bed in the room.

Just because you don’t see Him protecting you, doesn’t mean He isn’t there.

Be strong and brave, and don’t tremble in fear of them, because the Eternal your God is going with you. He’ll never fail you or abandon you! Deuteronomy 31:6

But let them all be glad, those who turn aside to hide themselves in you. May they keep shouting for joy forever! Overshadow them in your presence as they sing and rejoice. Then every lover of your name will burst forth with endless joy. Psalm 5:11

What is the value of your soul to God? Could your worth be defined by an amount of money? God doesn’t abandon or forget even the small sparrow he has made. How then could he forget or abandon you? What about the seemingly minor issues of your life? Do they matter to God? Of course they do! So you never need to worry, for you are more valuable to God than anything else in this world. Luke 12:7

If your Spidy senses can’t detect His presence, don’t presume you are alone.  I wasn’t alone lying on the abortion table. I wasn’t alone in a loveless marriage. I wasn’t alone when my daughter left for college and never called her mother (wink, wink, tisk, tisk). I wasn’t alone when my mother had a quadruple bypass. I wasn’t alone when I ran out of gas and had no money to fill my tank. I wasn’t alone when I laid in the dark and screamed at Him for my life not being what I thought it would be at 45-years old, still single and struggling.

Who could ever separate us from the endless love of God’s Anointed One? Absolutely no one! For nothing in the universe has the power to diminish his love toward us. Troubles, pressures, and problems are unable to come between us and heaven’s love. What about persecutions, deprivations, dangers, and death threats? No, for they are all impotent to hinder omnipotent love, even though it is written: All day long we face death threats for your sake, God. We are considered to be nothing more than sheep to be slaughtered! Yet even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything! So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One! Romans 8:35-39

We MUST learn to have faith if we are going to walk in it. Maturity in Christ requires us to quit relying on empirical evidence such as what our eyes can see or normative evidence, what our hearts feel but instead knowing who God is and what He has promised. He gives us things from the moment we accept Him as Savior: peace, love, forgiveness, mercy, grace but it is our responsibility to accept those gifts and apply them to our daily lives. It is a choice to love. It is a choice to be loved.  It is a choice to be at peace.

I am choosing peace though what my eyes see frightens me, though what my heart feels saddens me because He told me in John 14:27 that He left behind His peace for me…here on this earth.  His peace is perfect, as are all His gifts and with His peace, I don’t have to yield to fear or allow my heart to be troubled or anxious but instead I can be courageous…because I have a giant lion outside my window, protecting me as do you.

Pain... I still don't like it.

I injured my back when I was 19-years old working on the ski slopes of Steamboat Springs, Colorado. A man over 7-feet tall lunged for me and caught me, bringing me down with him. I had stopped the lift for him to get off. It was the bunny slope. Being a brand, new skier, he was afraid. Instead of just removing his skis or pushing himself slowly with his poles, he decided he needed a hand. Same fear, I suspect that makes a drowning person drag down their savior. Anyway, I was where I was supposed to be but the proper space between us did not protect me from his exceptional size. I was taken down off the beginners’ slope by ski patrol, sent to the hospital and went through weeks and weeks of physical therapy.

Ever since, one wrong move can create pain.  It can be something totally innocuous like picking something light off the ground or sleeping wrong. It is also true that generally, I get a hint beforehand. A little tweak that doesn’t stick but still alerts me something wicked this way comes. Yesterday, getting in my vehicle, I heard something, twisted to look and bam! Just like that, my hips lock up, my lower back is aching, and a pulling feeling shoots down my thighs. I should have expected it, as last week, it was bothering me a bit, but I stretched and rolled on the foam roller. Bingo! Pain gone.

It got me thinking about two things:

1.       Why do we not do what we know we should do?

2.       Paul’s “thorn of the flesh” and what it means to live in pain.

The question of why we don’t do what we should do has, to me, seemingly two easy answers: can’t, won’t …  which are truly the root of all the rest. I knew I needed to go to the chiropractor, but I didn’t because I chose to use my time in other ways PLUS, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to spend the money on it. We make believe our answers to this question are complicated and follow them up with anecdote: if you walked a mile in my shoes or you don’t know what it is like to be me but boil it down: I can’t, I won’t. I clearly chose I won’t until I must and now I am paying the price.

Which lead me to thinking about Paul and the thorn in his flesh:  To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9a). We don’t know if Paul’s pain was physical, emotional or spiritual, but I don’t think that matters because what God wants us to pull from His allowing us to live in a bit of pain remains the same no matter where yours comes from…it brings us to greater understanding of His grace.

Most of the pain we live in is self-inflicted. Some pain is good like the kind we endure when working to get our bodies healthy. But it is the pain we don’t chose that bothers us most. CS Lewis wrote in the Problem with Pain: “Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say; my tooth is aching than to say my heart is broken.

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: “We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them. We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed.” He finishes up in verse 12: “So death is constantly at work in us, but life is working in you.” We have all heard it said that from the moment we are born we are working towards our death. It is inevitable.

So how do you deal with your pain? Do you try to bury or ignore it? Take it out on those around you? Face it head on? Do you ask for help or go it alone? Do you fuss about it all the time? Do you smile through it? We have many options but only one brings relief: giving it away. “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear” (Matthew 11:28-30).

I am not God… a collective sigh of relief, I know. I cannot say why Paul needed a continual thorn in flesh to remain humble. Seems extreme to me.  I can only speculate he was a choleric or sanguine personality type. I can however attest that when God has allowed my pain to continue there has ALWAYS been a something I needed to learn or remember, most centrally: rely on Me. We forget often. We think we can do it ourselves, especially in the good times. We also sometimes forget to be reverent, thinking we know when we do not. We put other things and people first. We ignore Him. We answer His questions of us: I can’t, or I won’t and so He puts us in a place until we surrender to: I will.

My will for His will…that trade off in my thinking was one of the hardest places I have ever been in my life and He did in fact, allow me to live in pain. Post surrender, bad crap still happens. I still hurt sometimes but I am never in pain like I was before. I have peace when I shouldn’t. Joy when I should be crying. Love … all the time! I think the purpose of pain is to teach, to grow and to morph us into something better than we would be without it. ALL that being said, I still don’t like it (wink, wink).

Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave. -Mary Tyler Moore

Most people want to avoid pain, and discipline is usually painful. -John C. Maxwell

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it! -Charlie Chaplin