I never did mind about the little things...

It always sort of weirds me out when what is swimming around in my mind, manifests itself out of one of my pastors’ mouths.  God often used this tactic to confirm streams of thought to me … or rather its direction.  My mind is one that likes to muddle through what I see going on in and around my life to try to decipher a pattern or a path because once I can see choices, I can discern outcomes.

This spiritual gift is why God often choose to leave me in the dark when it comes to my own shit. It frustrates me. Leaves me feeling lost, alone and forgotten … that is until I realize that it is a self-inflicted loneliness and I shake it off, understanding once again that He is asking me to walk by faith not by sight: for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes (2 Corinthians 5:7).

Last night at Bible study, Jacob Diaz was speaking to us about submission. Often when pondering what it truly means to submit to the will of God, I find myself singing Keith Green’s: To Obey is Better than Sacrifice. Heavy words…to obey is better than sacrifice. I want more than Sunday and Wednesday nights…cause if you can't come to Me every day then don't bother coming at all. To obey is better than sacrifice, I want hearts of fire not your prayers of ice and I'm coming quickly to give back to you according to what you have done.

I have found that it is in submitting the small things that He really begins to lead my life. It is much easier to say yes to being obedient the big things because we see those things as a calling; than it is to tell the person who is pissing you off, I love you anyway. BUT it is our submission in these little things that show Him we are willing to be obedient and capable of being trusted.

Surrendering our will for His, has for me been the hardest struggle throughout my walk of faith. I really like empirical evidence. I like knowing where I am going and what the outcome will be. I enjoy those relationships most where the other person says I love you too or lets me know I am needed and wanted. Sometimes, I feel like I had better faith when I was younger but in truth, I only lack real faith in one area and it is in this area that He requires me to walk by faith the most… OF FREAKING COURSE. I know when I stay surrender in my attitude and keep my heart vulnerable, I am happiest. When I begin to think too much about semantics, I get bogged down and when I get bogged down, I get unhappy and when I get unhappy, doubt sets in and then I feel alone. I feel alone because I took my eyes off Him. Our relationship, with Him, is the ONLY relationship we have where it is ABSOLUTELY okay to lose ourselves. Doing this is our worldly relationship causes codependency and heartache.

I suck at sitting still. Hence, He makes me sit still. He puts me in situations where it is necessary and others, where it needs to be my witness to help another. If I am not obedient, I cannot help. If I cannot help, then someone else might not get the exact help they need. PARADOX! The more mature my faith becomes, the less I want to rebel and say no to Him and the more aware I become of what that no might cost myself and others. I don’t always have the best attitude. Many times, my yes is more of a fine accompanied by rolling eyes and maybe a firm turn in His direction, but I go and willingly because I know His ways are higher. I don’t just read it in the Bible in Isaiah 55:8-9: My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you, just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. I KNOW IT because time and time again when I push the outcome ranges from not so good to horrific BUT when I wait on Him, when I am still and KNOW He is God, things seem to just work themselves out in ways that I would have never imagine and generally if not always, for my benefit.