Pain... I still don't like it.

I injured my back when I was 19-years old working on the ski slopes of Steamboat Springs, Colorado. A man over 7-feet tall lunged for me and caught me, bringing me down with him. I had stopped the lift for him to get off. It was the bunny slope. Being a brand, new skier, he was afraid. Instead of just removing his skis or pushing himself slowly with his poles, he decided he needed a hand. Same fear, I suspect that makes a drowning person drag down their savior. Anyway, I was where I was supposed to be but the proper space between us did not protect me from his exceptional size. I was taken down off the beginners’ slope by ski patrol, sent to the hospital and went through weeks and weeks of physical therapy.

Ever since, one wrong move can create pain.  It can be something totally innocuous like picking something light off the ground or sleeping wrong. It is also true that generally, I get a hint beforehand. A little tweak that doesn’t stick but still alerts me something wicked this way comes. Yesterday, getting in my vehicle, I heard something, twisted to look and bam! Just like that, my hips lock up, my lower back is aching, and a pulling feeling shoots down my thighs. I should have expected it, as last week, it was bothering me a bit, but I stretched and rolled on the foam roller. Bingo! Pain gone.

It got me thinking about two things:

1.       Why do we not do what we know we should do?

2.       Paul’s “thorn of the flesh” and what it means to live in pain.

The question of why we don’t do what we should do has, to me, seemingly two easy answers: can’t, won’t …  which are truly the root of all the rest. I knew I needed to go to the chiropractor, but I didn’t because I chose to use my time in other ways PLUS, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to spend the money on it. We make believe our answers to this question are complicated and follow them up with anecdote: if you walked a mile in my shoes or you don’t know what it is like to be me but boil it down: I can’t, I won’t. I clearly chose I won’t until I must and now I am paying the price.

Which lead me to thinking about Paul and the thorn in his flesh:  To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9a). We don’t know if Paul’s pain was physical, emotional or spiritual, but I don’t think that matters because what God wants us to pull from His allowing us to live in a bit of pain remains the same no matter where yours comes from…it brings us to greater understanding of His grace.

Most of the pain we live in is self-inflicted. Some pain is good like the kind we endure when working to get our bodies healthy. But it is the pain we don’t chose that bothers us most. CS Lewis wrote in the Problem with Pain: “Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say; my tooth is aching than to say my heart is broken.

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: “We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them. We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed.” He finishes up in verse 12: “So death is constantly at work in us, but life is working in you.” We have all heard it said that from the moment we are born we are working towards our death. It is inevitable.

So how do you deal with your pain? Do you try to bury or ignore it? Take it out on those around you? Face it head on? Do you ask for help or go it alone? Do you fuss about it all the time? Do you smile through it? We have many options but only one brings relief: giving it away. “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear” (Matthew 11:28-30).

I am not God… a collective sigh of relief, I know. I cannot say why Paul needed a continual thorn in flesh to remain humble. Seems extreme to me.  I can only speculate he was a choleric or sanguine personality type. I can however attest that when God has allowed my pain to continue there has ALWAYS been a something I needed to learn or remember, most centrally: rely on Me. We forget often. We think we can do it ourselves, especially in the good times. We also sometimes forget to be reverent, thinking we know when we do not. We put other things and people first. We ignore Him. We answer His questions of us: I can’t, or I won’t and so He puts us in a place until we surrender to: I will.

My will for His will…that trade off in my thinking was one of the hardest places I have ever been in my life and He did in fact, allow me to live in pain. Post surrender, bad crap still happens. I still hurt sometimes but I am never in pain like I was before. I have peace when I shouldn’t. Joy when I should be crying. Love … all the time! I think the purpose of pain is to teach, to grow and to morph us into something better than we would be without it. ALL that being said, I still don’t like it (wink, wink).

Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave. -Mary Tyler Moore

Most people want to avoid pain, and discipline is usually painful. -John C. Maxwell

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it! -Charlie Chaplin