My scars are the shadow of my destiny...

Monday, I got a new tattoo.  It is on the inside of my right wrist.  It is a bee.  A honey bee to be exact. It is a tangible acknowledgement of the calling spoken over my life by God and reaffirmed through people and prayer to be like Deborah.

So, who is Deborah? She is found in the Book of Judges. Judges were leaders who ruled in Israel during a time of no centralized government. She, along with fifteen others, served Israel in the time before kings. The Passion Translation says, she served as judge, sitting under a palm tree and settling disputes; which has a much different connotation than ruling.

Moses is the first person I remember hearing being assigned this position during his time of leading the Israelites out of slavery and into promise. In fact, the same word in Hebrew is used to describe both Moses and the judges: shofet. To me this job seems akin to administrator: a person responsible for running a business, organization, etc. per Webster’s dictionary. Deborah was judge, prophetess, warrior, writer, wife and “Mother of Israel” (Judges 5:7). Can you feel my trepidation as this pronouncement over my life?

She was such a powerful warrior (in spirit and prayer of course as women did not go physically to battle during this time) that Barak, the general, would not go to war without her. She prophesizes over him that because of his lack of faith that God will use a woman to ultimately defeat their enemy and he will see no personal glory from their victory. She wasn’t referring to herself, by the way. When the Israelites put the beat down on the Canaanites, their general, Sisera, ran, and he ran right into Jael. Sisera’s king was at peace with Jael’s husband so he thought he was safe but when he laid down to rest, Jael put a tent peg through his temple, killing him.

Deborah wrote a song of victory that day that is regarded as one of the oldest passages in the Bible. Her lyrics confess: “My heart is warmed by those in Israel called to command them, who offered themselves willingly to the people. Praise the Eternal One!” (Judges 5:9). She was excited about her purpose and the work God called her to do no matter the level of difficulty.

You know how some days, God just reaches out from His word and says the exact thing you need to hear. Hear to be affirmed or corrected or loved. He did that for me yesterday: Let everyone be devoted to fulfill the work God has given them to do with excellence, and their joy will be in doing what’s right and being themselves, and not in being affirmed by others. Every believer is ultimately responsible for his or her own conscience (Galatians 6:4-5; Passion Translation). The Voice says… Each person has his or her own burden to bear and story to write (v5). It got me thinking about Deborah’s exclamation and my own attitude towards my calling to be more like her.

It’s come in phases. First spoken over me in September of 2007 that I would be given the gifts of prophecy, healing and discernment. “Your scars are the shadow of your destiny”. At the time, I wasn’t sure what to make of all that. I did not feel “saved” or “spiritual” enough for such things to be attributed to me. Plus… hello? SCARY! Nobody likes a prophet.

My father was very excited about all of this, of course being the man of God that he is but I recognized immediately that the healing part wasn’t a physical healing but instead a spiritual and emotional one.  As the teacher continued to speak over me that day, he said I would transfer my healing to others and that people crushed by emotional scars would be comforted and released. He said, I would hear God as a still, soft voice and I would pray for the broken and wounded. Within a few days my sister, Tara, approached me and asked me yes or no. I said yes or no what and she said just answer according to the prompting of the Spirit. I said yes, and she whipped out a bottle of anointing oil, swiped it across my forehead and said that I would be a problem solver and was blessed to be a blessing, a threefold blessing. At this point, I am feeling like … dude, God maybe a little bit slower? Let me adjust to what you are telling me. Maybe try to figure it out a bit. Get some grounding. Take a breath.

God doesn’t want you to take a breath unless it is His breath because what I decided to do in that breath was slow down His course of action. Just a stupid side note here: every time I try to type action, it initially comes out auction. HA!

Anyway, I waited a month before I took a single step towards understanding a threefold blessing. Ecclesiastes 4:12 speaks to a threefold chord cannot be easily broken. Our God is, if you allow me the leap as I am no scholar, threefold. Numbers 6:24-26 is considered a threefold blessing: The Eternal One bless and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Eternal lift up His countenance to look upon you and give you peace. There are so many theories and examples that I asked the Holy Spirit to intervene and describe for me it’s meaning as applicable specifically to me. He was clear… a salvation: body, soul, spirit. Being as I am not Jesus by any means and hence no savior let alone THE Savior, I asked what salvation means within this context and the Spirit took me straight to the dictionary: preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss.

I slowed down again and not until 2010 did I start revaluating His calling on my life. I started seeking him. Asking questions and getting answers like:

·         Don’t obey emotions just because you have them.

·         Find the level of maturity the Holy Spirit expects of you.

·         Not knowing your place creates anxiety.

·         Operate in wisdom.

·         Quit trying to explain motives and intentions and just behave.

·         Don’t let anything: no fault, no shortcoming or offense go by unforgiven.

He gave me James 1:4 as a touchstone, “Don’t run from tests and hardships. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing.” Another stupid side note, if you know me well…some of those answers are flat out hilarious.

I began reading everything I could find on love.  I wanted to understand His love and how to operate in it. It became my desire. Eventually, He lead me to my Pastor and my sweet church and He began to proof and refine that love He was filling me with and before I understood it, it poured out of me. Then in January of last year, someone praying over me said, “you have the spirit of Deborah”. Just when I was feeling good (aka comfortable) about life and what I thought my calling might be, BAM! I knew just enough about Deborah to get me into trouble in my head. I did not want to be at war.  I did not want to be a judge or a prophet.

Satan wants you to reject what God calls out as truth upon your heart, your mind and your life. Rejection of that truth cripples His power within you and hence your power over satan. I did for a bit but then I began to study. I mean if I am a Deborah, I’d better figure out what the means. Laugh was on me because though she was successful at war, she was also success at peace bringing it to Israel for 40 years until the time of her death. He is calling me to battle in a war that is already won, and I should feel no anxiety or stress because I already know the outcome just like she did. Operate in faith.

She was a writer. This was no issue for me. I was already writing after a long discussion with Him about who’s going read this and why me, I finally gave up and started typing. She was a prophetess. Still a bit shaky on this one but I will say I have accepted discernment and I know God helps me see the outcome when He needs me to which is usually in the form of advising others.  She was a judge but as I said above, it’s more like administration and that is a gift I have been operating in effectively for quite some time, like since birth because I am a first born. We’ve already covered my mothering in previous blogs and then here comes the choke up for me: she was a wife. I was a wife, but I am not a wife. I would like to be a wife, but I have not had much luck with men and in fact, I would say most don’t see me at all. I have come to accept this as a protection provided by Him but just being 100% transparent…this is an area in my life that is a great struggle for me. I have had to take a hands-off approach because I need God to be fully in charge in this area and I have had to surrender what I once believed to be promises, trading them for happiness and contentment right where I am at which is not a wife…just in case you missed that SNORT.

On January 15, 2015, I wrote in my journal:

I don’t understand my path. You are testing me, but I am so tired and feeling very unloved. I want released so badly and I cannot understand why You are keeping me tied. Have I disappointed you?  He answered with 2 Corinthians 12:9, “and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me”. Followed by, “it is not for you to know why but rather to stay your course and obey. I hear and understand the desires of your heart. I know you are hurting. Your pain is my path. Endurance…run your race, Tiffany and allow me to do a good work in you”. Can you hear the echo in that of: “Your scars are the shadow of your destiny”?

I have quit fighting His call upon my life now…mostly. Human and so I will always have to fight off my flesh from time to time, but I try to keep my heart and attitude surrendered. When I don’t know what to do, which direction He wants me to go, I search deeper within the truth He has given me: I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a friend, a writer… a Deborah. I am called to love and like a honey bee, fight for my hive; giving my life, if necessary. Oh! and maybe now we would a good time to mention, Deborah means bee in Hebrew.