So what? Who cares?

Have you ever read the genealogy of Jesus? It is found in the first chapter of Matthew which is the first book of the New Testament. I am not going to list it all here, but I have always found it interesting that four women listed besides Mary, as his mother. Tamar. Rahab. Ruth. The wife of Uriah.

Luke 1:26-33 states that the angel, Gabriel, visited Mary and announced God’s plan to make her the mother of the Messiah. Twice, Gabriel told Mary she was favored by God; so, I am going to go out on a limb and testify that Mary was a “good girl”. I say girl, as most scholars believe Mary to have been 14-16 years of age when she became a mother. Girls reached the age of maturity at their bat mitzvah which was celebrated at the age of 12. Maturity in this sense of the word means developing enough understanding to be responsible for your actions. Boys matured one year later at the age of 13.

It’s not a giant leap to see that this whole scenario was scandalous. Mary was already betrothed to Joseph. Betrothal was a year-long process but from the moment the marriage was agreed up, you WERE married for all practical purposes though you did not live together. We do not know how far into the betrothal Mary and Joseph were when Mary fell pregnant, but we do know as it is mentioned in Luke 2:5 that they were still only betrothed when Jesus was born.

Squirrel! Jesus was not born on December 25^th. Shepherds don’t graze their flocks in winter. Additionally, scripture gives us some big hints based upon when John the Baptist was conceived by Elizabeth and Zechariah. CS Lewis Institute explains below:

The Bible doesn’t give us the exact date of Jesus’ birth, however, there are a number of clues that enable us to make an educated guess as to the month of His birth. Luke tells us that God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth to announce the conception of Jesus to the virgin Mary “in the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy.”

The conception and birth of John the Baptist by his mother, Elizabeth, provides us with one way of calculating the month of Jesus’ birth. Zechariah, Elizabeth’s husband was performing his once in a lifetime priestly duty in the temple when the birth of John the Baptist was foretold by the angel Gabriel.

Jewish priests were divided into 24 orders which ministered in the temple throughout the year. The order of Abijah, of which Zechariah was a part, was the eighth priestly division (1 Chronicles 24:6-19) and served in the temple during the tenth week of the priestly cycle. The start of the 10th week coincided with the second Sabbath in the Jewish month of Sivan, which runs approximately from mid-May to mid-June. Soon after Zechariah returned from his temple duties Elizabeth became pregnant with John the Baptist.

Therefore, using the biblical texts above we can guess the month of Jesus’ birth to be around the month of Tishri (mid to late September). To arrive at this date, we start at the conception of John the Baptist, Sivan (June), count forward six months to arrive at Gabriel’s announcement of the conception of Jesus, Kislev (December), then count forward nine more months, the time for a normal human pregnancy, to reach Tishri (September), when Jesus was most likely born.

Yet other scholars suggest the month of Nisan as it signifies redemption and is associated with Exodus and Passover. There is an extraordinary amount of significance around the month of Nisan. I will let you go down that rabbit hole all by yourself. Side note…Nisan (March-April) and Tishri (September-October) are oddly enough both months considered the first month of the year dependent on which Jewish calendar you are observing (religious or civil).

Back to my initial point, Mary was favored, i.e. preferred or recommended by God. So, what about the rest of those other chicks listed in family tree of the Messiah? Tamar (Genesis 38). Rahab (Joshua 2). Ruth (Ruth). The wife of Uriah (2 Samuel 11).

Tamar was the daughter-in-law of Judah. Judah is the fourth son of Leah and Jacob. Tamar married Judah’s eldest son, Er. God kills Er because he is wicked. According to custom, the second son which in this case is Onan, is to be a surrogate for his dead brother and impregnate Tamar with a son so the Er’s lineage can continue. In doing so, Tamar is solidified into this family instead of being left alone with nothing. Onan isn’t hip to this plan due to the economics of it all. Hence for constantly spilling his seed on the floor and refusing Tamar a child, God too takes the life of Judah’s second son for wickedness.

Obviously, besides being a terrible brother Judah is not a great father nor is he terribly observant. Judah, not knowing it was God punishing his sons decides Tamar is a black widow. He refuses her his third son but does not declare her a widow leaving Tamar in limbo, both childless and without the ability to remarry. Tamar knows the laws, customs and her rights. She devises a plan to secure her future. She tricks Judah on his way home from a festival into having sex with her, posing a veiled prostitute. I said he wasn’t observant (insert snort laugh here). He offers Tamar his seal, cords and staff as a pledge to pay. Judah does try to pay but SHOCKER the “prostitute” is nowhere to be found when he returns.

Fast forward a bit and rumor has it that Tamar is pregnant. Even though Judah is giving her the runaround with regards to the customs of either securing her place in the family via a surrogate or releasing her as a widow, Tamar is to remain chaste. As the head of the family, Judah’s honor is at risk if Tamar is pregnant out of wedlock. His intention is to burn Tamar alive believing the rumors that she has, in fact, become a prostitute and worse, gotten herself knocked up. When she is brought before him for judgement, she has his seal, cords and staff in hand. Judah instantly recognizes the items as his own. He also points out to those present that she is more righteous than he because he failed her in his duty as father-in-law. She delivers twins, Perez and Zerah. Perez is in the line of Jesus.

Rahab was a prostitute in Jericho. Joshua secretly sends out two spies to explore the land but especially Jericho. These spies somehow happen right into the home of Rahab. She, being no stranger to strange men allows these spies to stay with her. Weirdly, the King of Jericho sends word to Rahab asking about the men that were seen entering her home as he believes them to be spies. Rahab tells the King’s men, yeah, they came to me, but I did not know where they were from; they left before dark when the gates closed plus, I have no idea where they went. She encourages the King’s men to pursue the spies on the road to the Jordon River which they do but Rahab has hidden the spies on her rooftop.

Rahab not unlike the centurion from Capernaum had faith in God without an up close and personal experience. She believed the stories she’d heard about Adonai, King of the Universe and her faith in Him allowed Him to put her in the right place at the right time not only help the Israelites defeat Jericho but also save her family from certain destruction. When the spies left her, they instructed her to gather her family into her father’s house and tie a line of scarlet cord in the same window she had helped them escape. When the walls of Jericho finally fell, the spies were ordered by Joshua to rescue Rahab and her family from the rubble. Joshua spares their lives as the spies had promised. Rahab marries Salmon, believed to be one of the two spies. They have a son named Boaz, who becomes the kinsman redeemer of Ruth (and Naomi).

Ruth is a Moabite (from the land of Moab who was Lot's son) that marries the son of Naomi and Elimelech. Naomi and Elimelech were Judeans that had settled in Moab to escape famine. The husbands of Naomi and Ruth both die (and Orpah, who was married to Naomi’s other son). Ruth stays with Naomi instead of returning to her father’s house as a window. Naomi takes them back to her homeland specifically to Bethlehem (home of King David) and cunningly straight to Boaz. Boaz is from Elimelech’s (her husband’s) family, a man of substance and a landowner. Naomi knows that in Bethlehem they will not be homeless nor starve.

Naomi also knows Boaz needs a wife. Ruth likely was physically beautiful because Boaz notices her straight away. He orders his men to purposely drop extra grain for her, allow her to drink from the jars of water or wine provided for the workers and importantly to keep their hands to themselves where she is concerned. He seeks Ruth out and tells her to not stray and glean only from his fields. When she asks him why such favor to a foreigner, he tells her that he has heard how she has cared for Naomi, leaving behind family and all she had known. He then blessed her, May Adonai repay you for what you have done, and may you be fully rewarded by Adonai, God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge” (Ruth 2:12). When the harvest was over it was time for threshing. Naomi tells Ruth to bathe and perfume herself. She further instructs Ruth to keep herself hidden from Boaz during the workday but after supper when everyone is laying down for the night, place herself directly at Boaz’ feet.

Boaz wakes in the middle of the night startled to find a woman at his feet. Groggy, he asks who are you? Ruth declares herself calling him “goel” (kinsman redeemer). He again blesses her. Boaz praises Ruth’s loyalty and valor AND he extols her for not chasing after a man because of age or status. He tells her there is another kinsman redeemer, closer than himself but if this man is not willing to marry her, he would take her as his wife. It is a Disney perfect happily ever after and their son is Obed, father of King David who defeated Goliath and arranged for murder of Uriah.

Bathsheba is the wife of Uriah, the Hittite. The Hittites were from an area called Anatolia in modern day Turkey. Uriah is a soldier in the army of King David though is a not Hebrew. I think it is important to make mention that Bathsheba’s name is omitted from the lineage of Messiah although anyone that knows the stories of the Bible would instantly understand the reference. There is much speculation as to why and I am not going to answer that question but rather leave the resolution of that mystery between you and the Holy Spirit.

To set the stage, David is king, and it is a time of war. For whatever reason, David is not out fighting with his men as he should be but instead in Jerusalem roaming around his palace, obviously bored. One night, he gets up from his bed and strolls onto his rooftop. From his vantage point he can see a woman bathing and she is very beautiful (direct quote from the Bible). Lust rises in David. He sends someone to retrieve her, has sex with her, and BOOM she is pregnant. Uriah is at war, so getting pregnant is indeed a problem.

As king, David commands the entire army. He calls Uriah in from battle, questions him about the troops and the battles yada yada then orders him to go home (wink, wink) but Uriah does not obey. He sleeps in the doorway of the palace. In the morning, David’ servants inform him that Uriah never left the palace grounds. David questions Uriah as to why he did not go home as he was commanded. Uriah states that the Ark (of the Covenant) and armies of Israel and Judah (two kingdoms initially united by Saul) are camping in open fields while at war and as a brother in arms, he was not going to allow himself the creature comforts of home.

David NEEDS Uriah to go home…at the very least be in the same place as his wife so that David’s sin can be covered. Uriah is uncompliant. Keeping him away from the battlefields another day, David ups the ante. Spending all day with Uriah in the palace, David gets Uriah drunk, hoping in his wine daze he will finally go home to his wife. Uriah being righteous spends another night in the doorway.

Desperate now, David decides to cover evidence of his adultery with Bathsheba with the murder of Uriah. He writes a letter to Joab, the commanding officer of his army instructing Joab to put Uriah at the front of the most intense battle so that his life would be lost. Adding insult to injury, David has Uriah himself deliver this letter to Joab when he returns to the front. Joab did as he was instructed by his king. Bathsheba and David are the parents of Solomon.

Forty-one men are listed from Abraham to Messiah in the genealogy of Jesus and those five women.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “well behaved women rarely make history” and this is totally true in ancient times. If you know the name of a woman that lived in antiquity, it is because she was exceptional or peculiar. I have learned to take notice of the women mentioned throughout the Bible both good and bad as there is always something to learn under the surface of the text.

Mary was good and favored by God. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth and Bathsheba were - not so good - YET also favored by God as evident in them being not only in the ancestry of Jesus but mentioned as such in the Bible. I guess you could argue that Ruth was good, but she knew uncovering and lying at Boaz’s feet was a risk because while there was cultural significance to this act (seeking protection, provision and effectively initiating a proposal for levirate marriage), it certainly wasn’t kosher.

My point being THIS: a schemer, a prostitute, an opportunist and an adulterer are found among the few women mentioned in the direct lineage of Jesus. As believers you and I were adopted into His family (2 Corinthians 6: 18). Our past never had the ability to disqualify our adoption. We never had to be good or Jewish just forgiven. Forgiveness brings with it the favor of God (Romans 4:7-8).

Adonai looked at our mess and said…So what? Who cares?

You should have led with that…

My sister recently lost a very close friend, Dilan. Dilan was part of a group of friends who have been tightly knitted since middle school and high school. Honestly, they were a rowdy crew in their youth. Loud, funny, beautiful girls. Dilan and her immediate bestie, Goldie, always stood out from the crowd to me. Both blonde and bubbly but kind and sweet.

Instead of losing touch, as these girls went on to different colleges and universities, got married, had children and lived their adult lives, they purposed to remain close. Each year, these friends take at least one trip together to the Texas coast. It is called, Teenies to Queenies (or maybe it’s the other way round).

Late in the summer or early autumn, these women wrangle up their daughters and head down to the beach for a long weekend of fellowship, love and laughter. Along the way, they sowed their love for each other into their babies. Needless to say, when Dilan passed, they leapt into action to help soothe and care for her children in a way that only lifelong friends can.

Many of their daughters are about the same age. These yearly trips fostered a closeness between them like their mothers before them. The daughters, too, rallied around their lifetime friends. Micah, Goldie’s oldest started sharing the Word of God as a means of comfort to Lennon, Dilan’s eldest. After their conversations, Lennon would often ask the ladies and Micah questions about God, His love and the scriptures. Though her mother was a believer who had taken her to church when she was young, faith in God wasn’t something Lennon had practiced. Lennon began to search through the Word on her own and somehow landed in the book, Revelations.

When next Lennon spoke with Micah, she told her about what she had read in Revelations and asked her if it was true that if she gave her life to Jesus that she would spend eternity with her mother in Heaven. Micah said yes and Lennon said, “girl, you should have led with that!”

Lennon’s proclamation got me thinking about what we should be leading with as we walk out our faith. To those around us, we should reflect God, but have we delved far enough into our faith to really know the attributes and personality of our Creator, His Son or the Spirit? God is LOVE (1 John 4:7) but is it enough to just be LOVE to those around us?

Jesus says in John 16:33, “in this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE”. Trouble is not something we can outrun or should be unexpected but how do you reflect God when you are in trouble? Is His Love still apparent when you are suffering? The entirety of verse 33 says this: “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have shalom (peace). In the world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world!”. Jesus spoke these words to His disciples shortly before being arrested which resulted in His crucifixion.

In 2013, I asked God to help me better understand His nature. He put in my spirit that I was get under the authority of a specific pastor which meant, I needed to make a change and leave my church. My family went to church together on Sundays. My church had given me a job after my divorce and the people that surrounded me there had become a second family to me. It was not comfortable to leave behind the familiar for the unknown and it took me a year to finally be obedient, stepping out and away into what God had clearly told me.

Unwittingly, I had asked God to throw me into the fire and refine me. I always joke about praying for patience because the outcome of that prayer is being continually tossed into situations that force you into learning that skill. I steer clear of praying for patience.

Bigger ask. Bigger lesson. I gave much less thought to asking to better understand His nature than I had asking for patience. Looking back now, I mean, what was I thinking?

 I can tell you what I wasn’t thinking:

·       I wasn’t thinking that I was about to learn how to walk through fire with a smile.

·       I wasn’t thinking that I was going to learn to love people that I didn’t even like.

·       I wasn’t thinking I was going to give to people that I thought already had enough.

·       I wasn’t thinking that learning to truly unconditionally love anyone including Him meant I had let go of my identity.

·       I certainly wasn’t thinking that leaning into Him meant I had to become comfortable with leaning into the unknown.

If God would have led with, this is going to suck, I would have never EVER asked the question. I am human after all but maturity in our faith should walk us into asking better questions of Him. No more genie in a bottle asks and a whole lot more how can I be like Jesus asks.

After Lennon learned she could again be with her mother, she asked Jesus into her heart and the fire of LOVE was lit within her. The fire of a new believer always burns so brightly and beautifully. In a wisdom beyond her years or maturity in her faith, Lennon realized and then spoke out loud for all of those that loved her mother to hear, that she asked God why He had allowed her mother’s death and that He answered her, “for your salvation”.

This week, my sister baptized Lennon. She sent us the video so we could watch the culmination how the love of these women, all friends of Dilan and their children, especially, Micah, coupled with the Love of God had answered Dilan’s prayer of salvation for her eldest daughter was now manifested and made whole. I cried as I watched. How could I not? In the darkest moment of my sister’s life, she led with love. God matched that love with His own and the result was this beautiful request of Lennon’s for baptism.

We are all going to have trouble…some we create for ourselves, some created by others and some created just by living in a broken world, but Jesus did not leave alone in this space. He left us with the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) and the answer, is yes, it is as simple as leading with LOVE.

You ain't NEVER had a friend like me.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have been in a time of fasting and prayer. I decided since I was focusing on God, it would also be a good time to hop over the theater and see Season 5 of The Chosen series which got me thinking maybe too much about Judas.

In turn all this thinking about Judas had me pondering the prevalent nature of just general belief that somehow Jesus and or God is some how just a genie in a bottle, here at our disposal and pleasure…instead of the other way around. We are all guilty of THAT prayer. You know the one: God, if you will just do this for me then I will do that for you. It’s as if we believe there is some kind of magic prayer equation. We have a tit for tat mentality.

When my son was a toddler, he swallowed most of a bottle of prenatal vitamins. When I called poison control, I quickly found out to my surprise that prenatal vitamins are one of the top overdosing substances for young children and that I need to get my son to the hospital immediately. The staff wasted no time once we arrived at the emergency room. No waiting on paperwork. Just straight back to triage. They asked me if I could hold my son down or if they needed to place him in a straitjacket while they pumped his stomach. I elected to hold him myself hoping that it would somehow be less traumatic.

I laid my body across his and spoke softly into his ear, describing what was going to happen. I assured him as his Momma that I had him. I promised everything was going to be okay if we let the doctors do what they needed to make him better. He stayed remarkably calm though tears out of his bright blue eyes and across his beautiful little face. I watched as the green coating of the vitamins came up through the tube. After the procedure, the doctor said in a hushed voice as Keller was still in my arms and almost sleeping that they were not able to recover the pills from his stomach. The next step would be an x-ray to see more clearly what they were dealing with, but I need to understand that if as many pills as expected were in his stomach, he would not make 24 hours.

Finally asleep, I asked a nurse to stay by Keller’s side for just a moment so that I could walk to the waiting room and update my mother. As I walked the corridor, I started to bargain with God, but a reminder of sermon preached by John Hagee just a few weeks previously came flooding into my mind and stopped that prayer and replaced it with praise. Instead, I spoke to my Abba as His child and told Him that I loved Him. I thanked Him for my sweet, funny, toe-headed, chubby cheeked, Momma’s boy. I let Him know that if 3 years was all the time I had with Keller, I knew He could make that enough and that I would not become bitter.

My mother had Pastor Hagee on the phone asking him to prayer when I entered the waiting room. She handed me the phone and Pastor Hagee told me that when he was a child, he swallowed rat poison. His mother prayed a prayer of thanksgiving but demanded the life of her child be saved because she KNEW God had great plans for his life. Pastor Hagee then prayed similarly with me, and I listened as tears fell and snot ran. A peace came over me as I handed the phone back to my Mom, hugged her and began to walk back to my son.

The nurse woke him to take him to x-ray as soon as I entered the doorway. I had to wait outside, of course, but the nurse went in with him. A few minutes later, she burst through the door laughing and crying herself. She folded me up in a hug and screamed, there are no pills in his stomach! NONE! Not one! We all saw the coating, so we know he swallowed them but your son, he has been healed. I am gobsmacked as the doctor walks calmly my direction. He takes my hand and says, young lady, do you believe in Jesus. I shook my head yes and he continued, well then, you need to praise Him because tonight He for the second time gave your son life. He gave me a quick hug and walked away.

The nurse took Keller and I back to the treatment room. We had to wait another few hours before he could be released as was the protocol for overdoses. I called my mother sprang the good news and told her to get her butt back here and hug her grandbaby.

I know mothers who were not granted the mercy of their sons surviving their accidents. Some have indeed recovered, and others continue to grow in bitterness. A few angry mothers have shared with me that they too prayed that prayer asking God to bargain but their prayer went unanswered and now they blame God, but God is not a genie in a bottle waiting to grant our wishes and desires no matter how noble.

I believe Judas was frustrated with Jesus. Though not explicitly called a zealot in scripture, I think Judas was looking for Jesus to be the conquering messiah of Daniel instead of the Lamb of God of Isaiah sent as a sacrifice for our sins. He wasn’t the only one feeling this way, of that we can be sure as the Jews were captive to Rome and oppressed. We, like the Jews of first century Israel, all just want to be free…don’t we? No one enjoys oppression. Rules are one thing, and most are good and for our protection, generally but persecution, suppression and subjugation are something else altogether. I do not know a single person who wants to be punished simply for being themselves or made to be slaves because someone dominated them (could be at work or in marriage).

Jesus told His disciples that He was here to fulfill the law and to bring salvation:

Matthew 5:17: Do not think that I came to abolish the Torah or the Prophets! I did not come to abolish, but to fulfill.

Luke 19:10: For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.

John 3:16-17: For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.

Judas was a friend of Jesus. They had an intimate relationship. Closer than family. He walked with him daily. Spoke with him daily. Slept where he slept. Heard every sermon. Saw every sign. He believed Jesus WAS Messiah. And yet, for a few months’ wages, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. Why?

Judas was not the first to betray God. There was another even before time began, Hêlêl ben Šāḥar otherwise known as Lucifer to you and me. Isaiah 14:12-15 and Ezekiel 28:12-18 describe his fall from Heavan like this:

How you have fallen from heaven, O brighstar, son of the dawn! How you are cut down to the earth, you who made the nations prostrate! You said in your heart: “I will ascend to heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God. I will sit upon the mount of meeting, in the uttermost parts of the north. I will ascend above the high places of the clouds—I will make myself like Elyon.” Yet you will be brought down to Sheol, to the lowest parts of the Pit.

You were the seal of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty. You were in Eden, the garden of God. Every precious stone was your covering—ruby, topaz and diamond, beryl, onyx and jasper, sapphire, turquoise and emerald—your settings and your sockets a workmanship of gold—in the day you were created they were prepared. You were an anointed guardian cheruv (cherubim). I placed you on the holy mountain of God. You walked among stones of fire. You were perfect in your ways from the day that you were created, until unrighteousness was found in you. By the abundance of your trade they filled you within with violence. So you have sinned. So I threw you out as a profane thing from the mountain of God. I made you vanish, guardian cheruv, from among the stones of fire.

Your heart was exalted because of your beauty. You corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. I threw you down to the earth. Before kings I set you up as a spectacle. By the multitude of your iniquities, in the injustice of your trade, you profaned your sanctuaries. So I brought fire out from within you, and it has consumed you. I have turned you to ashes on the earth in the eyes of all who saw you.

Pride is clearly evident in the scripture above and we all know it goes before the fall. Oxford defines pride as a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired. Secondarily it is further described as consciousness of one's own dignity. The Bible says pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall (Proverbs 16:18) and goes on to tell us in James 4:6 God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

So perhaps what we see in Judas is a proud Jew, excited to be in the core group near the Messiah and ushering in a new golden age of the reestablish Kingdoms of Israel and Judah by overthrowing Rome. From his advantage, he was at the epicenter of it all with the Mashiach or King Messiah as his bestie. Hard not to be proud if you weren’t closely listening to who Jesus was meant to be at that time per the will of His Father. So when who Jesus is was not aligning with what Judas wanted Him to be most people and theologians alike agree that he became disillusioned with the situation and decided to try to jump start the process by forcing His hand and making Him show Himself as King. It could also be that Judas fully understood who Jesus was and just decided to reject Him and in some sort of retaliatory act turned Him over to Caisphas. No one truly knows what was in Judas’ heart when he decided to betray Jesus but the decision to do so did not sit well with him in the end. Matthew 27 says in verse 3 that Judas felt remorse, knew he had betrayed someone who was innocent of any wrongdoing and tried to return the money. Judas never gave himself the chance to be forgiven and verse 5 tells us he committed suicide by hanging.

We all sin. So, what is the difference between Lucifer and Judas versus David or you or me? A contrite heart. Psalm 51:19 says a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (I John 1:19). God said King David was a man after His own heart (1 Samuel 12:14 and Acts 13:22) because when his sin was pointed out to him, David was always contrite and repentant.

I was telling a friend this week who said she did not particularly like the story of Jesus because it was hard…that for whatever reason, we struggle with the gift of God’s Love and our salvation through Jesus. We wanted it to be harder and so we make up stupid rules, exclude people from it and then act like spoiled children when things don’t go our way. Truth is loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and spirit plus loving your neighbor as yourself isn’t an easy thing to do but accepting Jesus as Messiah and Savior is. It is just yes and thank you.

50 years of faith has taught me that Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are not and never will be a genie in a bottle, but they will always be present. They have good plans for me even though they never tell me what the heck is really going on or do anything the way I think it should be done. They love me unconditionally and they never fail. If they make a promise they keep it. So in the end, you ain’t never had a friend like me is more attributable to the Trinity than the Genie in Aladdin.

Love Thy Neighbor

 

The concept of loving your neighbor is not just New Testament theology taught by Jesus but a much older teaching that began with Moses and the Children of Israel as they made their way out of Egypt and into the Promised Land.

I used to always tell my Pastor that people suck, and churches are full of people. He would laugh and remind me that is why God commanded us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I would regularly quip back that I did not love myself and that exempted me from loving crazy people who never listen or are just plain old meanies but of course, that isn’t true.

I let God via the Holy Spirit take up residency in me the moment I decided to believe that Jesus is my personal Savior, the Messiah and King of the Universe. Once that decision is made, it becomes a bit of a contract between you and your Creator. It requires that you make an concerted effort to spend the necessary time to create an intimate relationship with Him and in doing so, become a reflection of Him and He is Love.

So not loving myself or my neighbor…not a real option.

Bob Goff has written many amazing books, but Love Does is probably still my favorite, followed closely by Everybody Always. Love Does is a collection of stories that to quote Love Actually (2003 film by Richard Curtis), “If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love, actually, is all around". Everybody Always, on the other hand, is about finding a way to love those around you that are a bit more taxing, time-consuming and generally, as Goff puts it, difficult. Great reads. Easy reads. I suggest you run out today and buy yourself a copy.

Loving others can be hard on our best days but what does really happen if you are truly missing part of the equation, and you do not love yourself? How can you love others if you don’t love yourself? Can you love others if you don’t love yourself? I would be remiss if I answered anything other than I don’t think you can.

I look around today and see a world filled with so much more hate than when I was younger. It seemed to really expand exponentially during COVID. We don’t seem to have any tolerance for one another anymore. I have spent quite a lot of time pondering this. Why now? How do we unwind or fix it? It feels like COVID pushed the fast forward button on general discontent. Too many hurting people. Too many unhappy people. Too much anxiety. Too much hopelessness. Too much depression. The list could go on forever but at the very crux of it all is one underlying truth: there is not enough LOVE to go around.

Social media allows us all to push the heart button but that doesn't hold the same effect as throwing your arms around someone’s neck. You can comment below, “love it” but does the word “love” even hold real meaning anymore or has it become another accolade? We can stack ourselves up against everyone else 24 hours a day 365 days a year and that my friends does indeed breed malcontent.

The Bible warns us in the Ten Commandments: “Do not covet your neighbor’s house, your neighbor’s wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Exodus 20:17). Why? Because when we spend our time coveting (yearn to possess or have) something that doesn’t belong to us, we forget to be thankful for what we do have and that makes us feel smaller than we actually are. We live in a world that celebrates beauty, celebrity and money but pays little attention to who a person is and what they represent or what they are sowing.

Today it is very easy to find yourself feeling empty, alone, unloved, and insignificant. How are you supposed to love yourself when everyone around you seems to have more, be smarter or more successful? But it is all smoke and mirrors. Social media is a great tool when used properly to keep track of friends and family or promote business but there is growing evidence that it can be attributed to poorer memory functions, increased impulsivity, less empathy, and higher levels of anxiety.

We are constantly connected and yet lonelier, which fuels depression. We are addicted to these minicomputers we call phones, spending way too much time looking at pictures and text instead of sitting across from each other at lunch, dinner or game night. It is very difficult to feel loved if you are never in the actual presence of another person who can hold your hand, hug your neck or even just look into your eyes.

I am not suggesting you ditch your iPhone for flip phone or that you log off social media forever. I am suggesting that you put it down after you call a friend to come over and hang out. I am suggesting during the time you are hanging out that you leave that phone down for an hour or two or five. I am suggesting that you go outside without your phone and commune with God in nature. I am suggesting your break the addiction to your phone, social media and video games if they manage to keep you from being together with other living, breathing human being who loves and appreciates the person God created you to be.

If we do not find a way to break loose from the chains that bind us, we will never be free. Satan is not omnipresent like God, and he needs tools to keep us unhappily ever after. What tool is present in your life that keeps you locked away from loving yourself? God is the ONLY author of life, and He doesn’t make mistakes. If you are here, it is because He made you to be here, right now. He did not do that because you suck. He did that because you are beautiful. I know the struggle to recognize this about yourself is real and daily but as my friend Denise once advised me, you’ve got to put on those rose-colored glasses you wear when you look at everybody else, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask God to see what He sees. And yes, you will most likely cry and fight the truth of what He reveals to you. And yes, you will probably have to ask Him to remind you A LOT but how will we ever be able to love anyone else if we never see anything worthy in ourselves.

It is much easier to love than to judge, criticize and hate. Plus! It is better for your face and heart! Give yourself time think about good things: whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any virtue and if there is anything worthy of praise—dwell on these things (Philippians 4:8). It is my encouragement for you and for me that we dwell on good things but not just good things generally…good things about us.

Write down five things you like about yourself. I love my curly hair. I like my nose. I like and love my family. I love working in the collector car industry. I love being a grandmother. I love writing because for me, it is a time of worshipping the One who made me.

Pray about the things you don’t like but no longer dwell or think about them too much. NO MORE OBESSESSING! Practice loving everyone because your neighbor is everyone you encounter even that weirdo always saying crazy stuff on your social or the idiot that cut you off in traffic this morning. Instead of shooting that guy the finger, say I forgive asshat (#snort). I said “practice”!

Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time. There just isn’t any need for it. He doesn’t do it and you shouldn’t either. You are His child, and He loves you. He loves you SO MUCH, He sent Jesus to die on the cross for you. Jesus is your ride or die bestie. They have good plans for you, plans for shalom (peace) and not calamity—to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Stuart Smalley it up: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me" but Jesus-style with more LOVE.

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You are not to take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.^[a] I am Adonai. (Leviticus 19:18)

And you shall love Adonai your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Torah?  And He said to him, You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The entire Torah and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. (Matthew 22:36-40)

 

Sabbatical…a period of paid leave granted to a teacher or other worker for study or travel, traditionally one year for every seven years worked.

I have struggled with what was supposed to come next after traumatizing events in my life, most recently the loss of my pastor and friend, Warren Beemer. Just months before God called him Home, our church split in an extremely dramatic fashion. Those of us left behind were hurting though hopeful when suddenly our most loving and faithful leader lost his life suddenly in a car accident. I am really and truly great in a crisis and so I and others, did what people do and surrounded his family with comfort and whatever else they needed all the while trying to console one another.

In the aftermath, I was feeling very alone…again. I could not fathom the idea of replacing my pastor. I did not have a church (I will come back to this). So much hurt and disappointment were left the wake of such a loss, it was hard to wrap your head around.

I had an auction looming and my kids had just moved back from Salt Lake to San Antonio. I had stuff to do so I stuff my feelings down and just did my best to take one step at a time ever forward. As I moved through time, I convinced myself I was doing a pretty good job of “moving on” that is until some trigger would send me into an absolute almost uncontrollable fit of tears. I kept telling myself that I didn’t have the time nor the right to mourn the way I was feeling I needed to somewhere deep inside. I accepted the message of World War 2 Britain of Keep Calm and Carry On as my personal motto.

Now it is 2025 and the third anniversary of Warren’s death is looming like a black cloud, but I am quite sure I see LIGHT.

During what I have now come to see as a sabbatical forced upon me by my Creator, Savior, and Spirit, I underwent a transformation of thought but perhaps it is better subscribed as theology. In Isaiah 11:2 (Tree of Life Version), there is a description of Jesus that also describes the Holy Spirit as: The Ruach of Adonai will rest upon Him, the Spirit of wisdom and insight, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of Adonai.

The Holy Spirit is described as Comforter in John 14:26. The Amplified Version expounds on this a bit and further describes it as Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby. In Hebrew, it is referred to as Ruach HaKodesh or Divine Spirit. In Greek, the name is Pneuma Hagion or Scared Breath. The Spirit brings evidence of It’s presence (Galatians 5:22-23): love (charity), joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (meekness) and self-control (temperance). I have also heard the Holy Spirit referred to as our Ezer Kenegdo or Helpmeet which is the name used to describe Eve in relationship to Adam. In the most basic understanding of the word, it means Companion (because it wasn’t good for man to be alone).

It is easy for me to travel down a rabbit hole when researching the meanings and origins of words; so, let me back to say this: IF we belong to The King of the Universe, we are never alone no matter how alone we might feel. God sent The Ruach of Adonai to be here on Earth with us after the ascension. The presence of God (again) roams the Earth looking for whom belongs to Him and He brings with him wisdom, insight, counsel, strength, knowledge, and a renewed wonderment of God, the Creator and Father. Once more, when He is allowed to find His place within us, He sprouts the visible evidence of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I had to rediscover that I was not alone and in doing so found that church is not nor has ever been a building but rather (not unlike Jesus and his twelve) a group of people to which you hold yourself accountable and furthermore, allow to speak into your life. Like a pastor, these people are given authority by you to sow into your heart, soul, body, mind and spirit so you better damn well trust them.

And with my use of the word, damn, you might well imagine that I have come to no longer subscribe to what religion says I can or should do but instead hold myself up against what the Bible says…nothing more or less. No where in the Bible does it say damn is a word that cannot be spoken. It is a Christian belief grown out of the fear of judgement and condemnation but the Bible clearly states: God hasn’t given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). This is where you envision me sticking out my tongue with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.

When I say religion, I mean anything “man” made up and describes as the rules for the “Church” outside of scripture. Faith and religion no matter what the dictionary says are no longer the same concept. Faith is about having a relationship with God. Religion is all the crap man thinks he needs to work his way into Heaven. Jesus came to fulfill the rules of the Old Testament hence giving us freedom from the fear of them. He ushered instead the Law of Love in the following, found in Matthew 22:37-40: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

On this surface, this seems easier than all the rules and expectations to which our Hebrew brothers and sister are subject but in reality…it is much harder to break the habit of me. I am important. What I want is necessary. My needs should come first. Me. Me. ME. Putting God before all things in your heart, soul and mind is a mountainous request let alone loving your neighbor as ME. Yikes!

The first step in breaking this habit is to commit yourself to reflecting God. We have discussed the Bible is exceedingly clear that God is LOVE and if you do not know LOVE, you do not KNOW God (I John 4:8). God and Love therefore are interchangeable most definitely when studying I Corinthians 13 which describes the nature of Love. Love is not just one part of who God is but rather all of Him. It is the very essence of Him. God is patient. He is kind. He does not envy or boast (brag). God is not proud. God does not keep record of wrong doings. God does not delight in evil. God rejoices in truth. God always protects. God always trusts. God always hopes. God always preserves. God NEVER fails. This is a daunting task, and we will all fail it one way or another but the mere decision to work at being His reflection to your neighbor each and every day will transform you albeit painfully at the onset.

As you reform your life into one committed to walking out Love, you will easily find yourself bending to His will for your life and hence loving Him with your heart, mind, and soul. I am not gonna lie, this is an EXCRUCIATING revolution to normal day to day American life but well worth the work. You know what the answer is to all the hate in this world is? LOVE. You never have to preach one word of the Bible or ask anyone if they are saved. All you must do is be a reflection of LOVE. Bringing us back to the whole “love your neighbor as yourself thing.”

You know what does not come after that passage of scripture? ZERO description of what that neighbor looks like or identifies as. No mention of which pollical party they vote for or what color their skin might be. No identifying your neighbor by sexual preference or smell for that matter (#snort). Nowhere did I read only love those that think, look and act exactly like you or the people at church for that matter. It simply says LOVE them. Love your neighbor no matter who it is and let God worry about who gets judged and who does not. THAT thankfully is not our problem. We only need to discover and give away freely: LOVE.

There is a song on the album, The Preacher’s Wife (Whitney Houston and Denzil Washington movie) called Somebody Bigger Than You and I. Here are the lyrics (Songwriters: Sonny Burke / Hy Heath / Johnny Lange):

Somebody bigger than the Earth is round
Bigger than the saddest frown
Bigger than the brightest smile
And longer than the longest mile

Somebody bigger than the biggest fight
And darker than the darkest night
Bigger than the biggest gun
Cause he's the only shining sun cmon

Who made the mountains
Who made the trees
Who made the rivers that flow out to the seas
And who hung the moon in the starry, starry, starry sky

Somebody bigger (somebody bigger)
I know I know he's bigger than you and I
My God is bigger
Somebody bigger
He's bigger, he's bigger than you
He's bigger than you
My God is, my God is oh

Now who made the flowers bloom in the spring, yeah
And who writes the songs for the robins to sing uh
And who sends the rain when the Earth is dry
I know, I know, I know
Somebody bigger yeah
Than you and I
Somebody bigger than you and I
Bigger than you and I

He lights the way when road is alone
Keeps me company with love to guide you
He walks beside you just like he walks with me

When I am weary, and filled with despair
Who gives me courage to go on and on and on from there
And who gives me faith
I will never, never, never, never, never doubt
Somebody bigger yeah
Somebody bigger than me and you
Bigger than you and I
Somebody bigger
My Lord is bigger than you
Bigger than you and I

He lights the way when the road is long
Keeps you company with love to guide you
He walks beside you just like he walks with me

Somebody bigger than you and I
Bigger than the open sky
Bigger than the tallest tree
Bigger than the deepest sea
Somebody deeper than the desert sands
Bigger than the tallest man
And phatter than the phattest phat
Bigger than the Shaq attack

Lastly, you need to decide your God is BIGGER. Bigger than American plastic Jesus on a shelf (shout out to Jennie Allen). Bigger than all the world’s problems. Bigger than your political party or the US government. Bigger than your worries, mistakes, or sin. Bigger than any environmental issues. Bigger than your or anyone else’s understanding of Him. I would rather error on the side of God is TOO BIG than God is too small. I would encourage you now to open your mind and heart, take off the blinders of religion, shake off any man-made rules and regulations you’ve been subjected to and reread your Bible. There is some pretty crazy stuff inside. One might even speculate it is revolutionary. The Bible does not say what someone else told you it says, it says what it says but you actually have to crack it open for yourself and let the Living Word speak to you, directly and personally to know better.

Back to sabbatical. In Leviticus 25, the Bible mandates a sabbatical year every seven years. It is a time of rest and forgiveness of debts. A time of relying on God and His provision. It is a reset and renewal. A giant sigh. God built this into our week through Sabbath. Do not work. Just rest. Be with Me and your family. He rested after Creation. He is not asking you to do anything He did not. Furthermore, Jesus is rest for the weary and burdened. I do not know anyone who isn’t a bit weary or burdened, do you? It is not about what you do or do not have anymore. This world we live in is stressful, plain and simple. We can wreck our minds with worry if we choose too or we can choose rest, renewal, reset. Fatigue is not good for anyone. It does harmful stuff to your body and your mind. Yucky stuff.

If we do not rest or manage properly what is happening on the inside and we belong to Him, you just might find yourself like me on a forced sabbatical. He never FAILS and if are due for a reset then you can be sure He will make a way where there seems to be none. My mind is a runner. I have found peace in a traditional Jewish prayer repeated often on The Chosen streaming series: "Blessed are you, LORD our God, King of the universe, who forms light and creates darkness, who makes peace and creates all things".

A big shout out to Pastor Dane Kruse of County Line Church is Auburn, Indiana for reminding me the Bible has a prescription for mourning in the form of sitting shiva (Book of Job). I have not done it yet but at least it is now on my radar.

For Meg…
 
It has been a hot minute since I have sat down to write anything. It’s been a rollercoaster for me since 2019 but Meg sent me a text message with a memory of one of my blog posts from Facebook and said, “I miss reading these” …so here, I am.
 
In 2019, I thought God was FINALLY coming through for me and making all my dreams come true. Laughable now. Nightmare business partners crushed me. Followed by worldwide pandemic, universal lockdown and putting on a good 35-pounds of what I lovingly refer to as my COVID baby.
 
My first grandchild arrived in 2019. The pandemic kept me away from him for what seemed like the entirety of the first year of his life. BUT good things happened too. I got some quality time with my parents and although forced initially, I began to relish the time. Not all of it, of course. My father watches way too much girly television for my tastes but I know that was a beautiful gift of concentrated time that I will look back upon cherish.
 
The end of 2020 brought me into a new business partnership. Ironically, the partner I wanted in 2019 but was maneuvered away from. He must have been God’s plan for me all along, and He just made a way anyway. 2021 brought back the live auction. It was amazing to see all my road family and car people again. We had taken for granted our industry and the stability of our connections.
 
2022 I was finally able to belatedly celebrate my 50^th at Disney World and just as I was feeling like myself again, God through a curveball so epic that I can only described the aftermath as gobsmacked.
 
I loved my little church in Boerne, Texas. I am pretty sure I have spoken before about how I believed that particular church was what Jesus meant church to be. It was full of loving, beautiful, kind, amazing, broken but healed people…until it wasn’t. Over the course of several years, under the surface a storm began to brew then rage until finally, a split.
 
I watched my Pastor announce the split during the 9^th year birthday celebration of our church at the Saturday night service.  I watched him mourn the loss of these people…his people. People he loved and had poured his life into…I do not have words express what I witnessed that night, but the tears flowed freely down my face as I watched him come to terms with his loss. Broken heartedness. Pure, unadulterated sorrow. Grieving the destruction of what God had been building in that place, in us. Heart wrenching. EVERY. LAST. BIT.
 
I wasn’t sure that I had ever felt myself what he was feeling but in a few short weeks’ time, I would.
 
My pastor, Warren Beamer, was my friend long before he was my pastor. We served at Cornerstone together, but it was a mutual friend after his divorce that had brought us together and sown friendship into our relationship. I am not going to go into all that man was to me but just know that over time, he became my family. My brother.
 
April 1^st brought the news that Warren had been called home and my heart along with those of his family, friends and all that loved him, BROKE. Faith and I were both calm on the phone as she told me of the accident but the moment we hung up, what welled up in my heart was wholly overpowering and I began to not just cry but mourn almost like you read about in the Old Testament. It was instinctive. Intense.
 
I am GOOD in crisis. I know how to keep moving in times of trouble like when blood is present or overwhelming stress might send others running for the hills and I tied that ability around me like a comforter when I headed to Baton Rouge to be with Faith, my girls, and his son. I kept that around me in the weeks to come during the funeral in Louisiana and the memorial back here in Texas. I moved freely about the cabin helping where I could, those I could and how I could but when I finally got back home to me…to my office, my life, my space…I was frozen. Unable and perhaps unwilling to move forward with any real effectiveness. But as it goes with life, time did not give me the luxury of what I thought needed, and I forced myself to stop feeling and MOVE.
 
Perhaps not the best decision for my mental health but maybe because getting out of my own head and starting to again address the needs of work and others helped me take one step until I could take many and on my own. I still tear up most times I think of him especially if I am alone and I have WAY too much LSU purple and yellow around for my Roll Tide heart but sharing with you here and others the absolute unconditional love Warren bestowed upon each and every person that crossed his path even if it was a single second is a LEGACY, I am unwilling to tarnish or allow to wither on the vine.
 
Warren used to say, “it’s a good day” even when he did not mean it because it was a truth revealed to him by God and it sowed in him the ability to LOVE even when he low. Love God. Love people. That’s the message Warren Beemer brought to the world. Simple. Profound. He taught me the nature of God (who is LOVE) by teaching me what it looked like in day-to-day practice to love without conditions, without borders, without regret.
 
For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and I will [free you and] gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’ Jeremiah 29:11-14
 
Humanity tells us that there is no deeper longing than loss, but I disagree. The deepest longing is love. It is what we are all constantly running towards or from. The reason we work so hard or cannot work at all. It is why we sing and dance. The reason art existence. The reason we existence.
 
With deep love, I sought Him and I REQUIRED Him and found Him when I searched for Him with all my heart, and I found Him…but you know what? THIS is what He looked like to me: Meg sending me a book called, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. Like finding a purple stone heart in my bed planted there by sister with a note that read, “even today is a good day”. Like the Hams saying, “you’re our Tif, now”. It looked like text messages and phone calls. It looked like hugs and kisses on forehead.

NEVER FORGET THAT YOU are His hands and feet. Love God. Love People. Simple. Profound. Harder than it looks. AND though these might not be the most eloquent words written by me; it is a re-start because LOVE.

A new hope...

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. God spoke over me and then began to open doors to a new adventure. I dreamed and I worked…but then everything I’d dreamed of and everything I’d worked for fell apart.

I started off 2019 by reading the book, One Word That Will Change Your Life, by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. God spoke over the noise of New Year’s Day and that night as I laid in bed gave me the word LOVED. As you might remember if you actually read this blog with any frequency, I laughed at that because I rarely, if ever feel truly loved but as the year progressed that word from Him became resoundingly clear to me and for the first time that I could remember, I felt loved.

As the year progressed a word was spoken over me:

“There is a thing in your life the Lord desire to eradicate so that His blessing and presence will not be cut short or grieved. The hinge is door of opportunity, but it opens and closes one way…one direction. The door doesn’t swing both ways. Now, it is open. When you choose to walk through it, it will close behind you and will not open again. You will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose and a new hope and blessing. There is an exchange due at the door.” (May 14, 2019)

Soon after, I was in Midland at our auction and a spark containing a way for an old dream to come to pass began to emerge from a business conversation with a longtime friend and colleague. It was clear there was a door opening in our industry that would allow for a new auction company to come and fill a void. For many years, this friend and I had dreamed of having our own auction company and the way we would do things differently from the rest. We had tried several different combination of things to make it work for us over the years, but something was always a little off and so we waited but now it seemed God was opening up the heavens for us and all we had to do was do it right, do it better.

Unfortunately, I had not shared my dream with the right person. December 31^st, it all came to an end and ultimately, I had no one to blame but myself because I had misplaced trust. I trusted someone I thought I knew like the back of my hand, loved like a brother, believed in wholeheartedly…someone who in the end was unworthy of trusting with my dream. The loss of the relationship I had held so dearly for nearly 20 years was more heartbreaking than the loss of the business. I felt broken and defeated, lost, unloved.

I could not understand why God would give me this dream that I had hoped for with this person for so long only to let it fail especially when it had been so obvious to everyone surrounding us that God had finally opened the door for its realization just eight short months ago. I could not understand why my friend whom I believed was a friend closer to me than my own sisters would betray me so completely. I did not know what to do or where to turn because I was now feeling abandoned and ashamed. I am in debt without a job, a company, any prospects or a dream.

I mourned the loss of my friend and my dream while making my way through the holidays and my birthday. In truth, I wallowed too long and the lies of what satan wants me to believe about myself began to sink in and take root: you are a failure, your dreams are gone, you are insignificant … you know the song the devil sings to you of despair. I admit I was listening to it on repeat every hour of every day until finally the thought came: wouldn’t just be easier if I was gone? And of course, it comes while driving in the rain on a towering overpass.

Wallowing or not, I know this thought is not my own. It is not at all who God created me to be. I am the woman who ALWAYS pushed through no matter how gross or ugly it looks. I know the roots of what God has planted in me are deeper and won’t allow satan’s schemes any good ground. I pull over at a Sonic for some caffeine and take a call from a friend. She has been where I am and reminds me, I am not alone. She tells me not to panic or worry and that she knows what is ahead is better than what is behind. Her words remind me to go back to what was spoken over me last May and I read it again seeing the words, “there is an exchange due at the door.” The words settle over me and I digest them.

A few days go by and satan’s record begin to play again. It is so easy to fall back into its song when you are emotionally, spiritually and physically drained BUT it is Sunday and I am on my way to church so I combat that crap with the word of God and throw on TD Jakes’ podcast. My Pastor preaches a word that I need, and I cry on the shoulder of a woman who too has suffered so much loss this past year having to say goodbye to her husband. She is explaining to me how God gave her the word prolific for 2020 when I hear someone call, “Tif”? I wasn’t sure I truly heard my name, so I remain still until I hear it again, “Tif”? “Tif”?

I look up to see it is my Pastor searching for me. He calls me up front and asks for a microphone. I shake my head because I am crying so hard, there are no words. He asks, “do you know how amazing you are”? Me being me, I shake my head no because right now, how could I possibly feel amazing when I am in a state of defeat? He spoke about how I am no longer ashamed of the sins God has set me free from and how I pour love into people… then He looks at me and says, “I know you keep asking yourself why terrible things keep happening to you but you need to know it is because satan hates you. He hates you because you never stay down. He hates you because you are oily (the sermon was about being covered in the anointing of God) and you always slip through his fingers.” I am not sure what else Pastor said but I soon find myself surrounded by people praying over me. Touches of love, each speaking over me as the Holy Spirit leads; words to help sooth me, lift me, love me. I can’t see them all as some are behind me, but I recognize the voice of my constant prayer partner, the one who spoke over me in May. I hear her mother who’s shoulder I had been crying on just moments before. I am fully ugly crying now…snot and the whole nine yards but that doesn’t stop the arms of a younger couple I just met in the past 30 days from swallowing me in their arms and hugging me so hard I had no other choice but to relax in and begin to let my hurt finally go.

I feel more like myself right now than I have in a couple of months. The depression has given away to a new hope and isn’t that what God has promised us not just in His specific word to me, “ you will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose and a new hope and blessing” but also in His Word to all of us: For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that (Jeremiah 29:11).

It is SO HARD to remember that you are LOVED when the enemy keeps attacking you through people you love but I have found that if I stop and look outside myself for even a second that wrapping my identity of love up in just the one hurting me is lie because the truth is that for every one person that has betrayed or hurt me, there are at least three others that truly love me. Right now, I might be broken by the world’s standards, but I am rich by the Kingdom’s standards. And so, I have ended 2019 even in the darkest of times with a firm understanding that I am indeed LOVED. That knowledge has been hard earned, but it is true, nonetheless.

For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan (Romans 8:28).

Satan hates me. I know this means I am doing LOVE right. Not perfectly by any means, as my siblings will be more than willing to tell you, but I am getting it right more than I am getting wrong and absolutely nothing changes the world like LOVE does. He knocked me down, but he cannot knock me out and this is no time to quit! His attacks only make me stronger in the Lord, more useful and of greater testimony. I am slippery when anointed by The Most High God and He has already won my battles, defeated every foe, made a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He is my high tower and I have no one to be afraid of as He is my Light and Salvation! He is the light at the end of my tunnel.

… no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us (Romans 8:37).

Like Peter, I am being sent down to find the fish with exactly what I need its mouth (Matthew 17:27). My dream is not over. It was real and it has not been stolen or denied me. My life is not over, nor has it lost its value. Instead, it is getting saltier and we all know salt goes great with tequila and testimonies…wink! wink!