For Meg…
 
It has been a hot minute since I have sat down to write anything. It’s been a rollercoaster for me since 2019 but Meg sent me a text message with a memory of one of my blog posts from Facebook and said, “I miss reading these” …so here, I am.
 
In 2019, I thought God was FINALLY coming through for me and making all my dreams come true. Laughable now. Nightmare business partners crushed me. Followed by worldwide pandemic, universal lockdown and putting on a good 35-pounds of what I lovingly refer to as my COVID baby.
 
My first grandchild arrived in 2019. The pandemic kept me away from him for what seemed like the entirety of the first year of his life. BUT good things happened too. I got some quality time with my parents and although forced initially, I began to relish the time. Not all of it, of course. My father watches way too much girly television for my tastes but I know that was a beautiful gift of concentrated time that I will look back upon cherish.
 
The end of 2020 brought me into a new business partnership. Ironically, the partner I wanted in 2019 but was maneuvered away from. He must have been God’s plan for me all along, and He just made a way anyway. 2021 brought back the live auction. It was amazing to see all my road family and car people again. We had taken for granted our industry and the stability of our connections.
 
2022 I was finally able to belatedly celebrate my 50^th at Disney World and just as I was feeling like myself again, God through a curveball so epic that I can only described the aftermath as gobsmacked.
 
I loved my little church in Boerne, Texas. I am pretty sure I have spoken before about how I believed that particular church was what Jesus meant church to be. It was full of loving, beautiful, kind, amazing, broken but healed people…until it wasn’t. Over the course of several years, under the surface a storm began to brew then rage until finally, a split.
 
I watched my Pastor announce the split during the 9^th year birthday celebration of our church at the Saturday night service.  I watched him mourn the loss of these people…his people. People he loved and had poured his life into…I do not have words express what I witnessed that night, but the tears flowed freely down my face as I watched him come to terms with his loss. Broken heartedness. Pure, unadulterated sorrow. Grieving the destruction of what God had been building in that place, in us. Heart wrenching. EVERY. LAST. BIT.
 
I wasn’t sure that I had ever felt myself what he was feeling but in a few short weeks’ time, I would.
 
My pastor, Warren Beamer, was my friend long before he was my pastor. We served at Cornerstone together, but it was a mutual friend after his divorce that had brought us together and sown friendship into our relationship. I am not going to go into all that man was to me but just know that over time, he became my family. My brother.
 
April 1^st brought the news that Warren had been called home and my heart along with those of his family, friends and all that loved him, BROKE. Faith and I were both calm on the phone as she told me of the accident but the moment we hung up, what welled up in my heart was wholly overpowering and I began to not just cry but mourn almost like you read about in the Old Testament. It was instinctive. Intense.
 
I am GOOD in crisis. I know how to keep moving in times of trouble like when blood is present or overwhelming stress might send others running for the hills and I tied that ability around me like a comforter when I headed to Baton Rouge to be with Faith, my girls, and his son. I kept that around me in the weeks to come during the funeral in Louisiana and the memorial back here in Texas. I moved freely about the cabin helping where I could, those I could and how I could but when I finally got back home to me…to my office, my life, my space…I was frozen. Unable and perhaps unwilling to move forward with any real effectiveness. But as it goes with life, time did not give me the luxury of what I thought needed, and I forced myself to stop feeling and MOVE.
 
Perhaps not the best decision for my mental health but maybe because getting out of my own head and starting to again address the needs of work and others helped me take one step until I could take many and on my own. I still tear up most times I think of him especially if I am alone and I have WAY too much LSU purple and yellow around for my Roll Tide heart but sharing with you here and others the absolute unconditional love Warren bestowed upon each and every person that crossed his path even if it was a single second is a LEGACY, I am unwilling to tarnish or allow to wither on the vine.
 
Warren used to say, “it’s a good day” even when he did not mean it because it was a truth revealed to him by God and it sowed in him the ability to LOVE even when he low. Love God. Love people. That’s the message Warren Beemer brought to the world. Simple. Profound. He taught me the nature of God (who is LOVE) by teaching me what it looked like in day-to-day practice to love without conditions, without borders, without regret.
 
For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and I will [free you and] gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’ Jeremiah 29:11-14
 
Humanity tells us that there is no deeper longing than loss, but I disagree. The deepest longing is love. It is what we are all constantly running towards or from. The reason we work so hard or cannot work at all. It is why we sing and dance. The reason art existence. The reason we existence.
 
With deep love, I sought Him and I REQUIRED Him and found Him when I searched for Him with all my heart, and I found Him…but you know what? THIS is what He looked like to me: Meg sending me a book called, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. Like finding a purple stone heart in my bed planted there by sister with a note that read, “even today is a good day”. Like the Hams saying, “you’re our Tif, now”. It looked like text messages and phone calls. It looked like hugs and kisses on forehead.

NEVER FORGET THAT YOU are His hands and feet. Love God. Love People. Simple. Profound. Harder than it looks. AND though these might not be the most eloquent words written by me; it is a re-start because LOVE.

A new hope...

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. God spoke over me and then began to open doors to a new adventure. I dreamed and I worked…but then everything I’d dreamed of and everything I’d worked for fell apart.

I started off 2019 by reading the book, One Word That Will Change Your Life, by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. God spoke over the noise of New Year’s Day and that night as I laid in bed gave me the word LOVED. As you might remember if you actually read this blog with any frequency, I laughed at that because I rarely, if ever feel truly loved but as the year progressed that word from Him became resoundingly clear to me and for the first time that I could remember, I felt loved.

As the year progressed a word was spoken over me:

“There is a thing in your life the Lord desire to eradicate so that His blessing and presence will not be cut short or grieved. The hinge is door of opportunity, but it opens and closes one way…one direction. The door doesn’t swing both ways. Now, it is open. When you choose to walk through it, it will close behind you and will not open again. You will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose and a new hope and blessing. There is an exchange due at the door.” (May 14, 2019)

Soon after, I was in Midland at our auction and a spark containing a way for an old dream to come to pass began to emerge from a business conversation with a longtime friend and colleague. It was clear there was a door opening in our industry that would allow for a new auction company to come and fill a void. For many years, this friend and I had dreamed of having our own auction company and the way we would do things differently from the rest. We had tried several different combination of things to make it work for us over the years, but something was always a little off and so we waited but now it seemed God was opening up the heavens for us and all we had to do was do it right, do it better.

Unfortunately, I had not shared my dream with the right person. December 31^st, it all came to an end and ultimately, I had no one to blame but myself because I had misplaced trust. I trusted someone I thought I knew like the back of my hand, loved like a brother, believed in wholeheartedly…someone who in the end was unworthy of trusting with my dream. The loss of the relationship I had held so dearly for nearly 20 years was more heartbreaking than the loss of the business. I felt broken and defeated, lost, unloved.

I could not understand why God would give me this dream that I had hoped for with this person for so long only to let it fail especially when it had been so obvious to everyone surrounding us that God had finally opened the door for its realization just eight short months ago. I could not understand why my friend whom I believed was a friend closer to me than my own sisters would betray me so completely. I did not know what to do or where to turn because I was now feeling abandoned and ashamed. I am in debt without a job, a company, any prospects or a dream.

I mourned the loss of my friend and my dream while making my way through the holidays and my birthday. In truth, I wallowed too long and the lies of what satan wants me to believe about myself began to sink in and take root: you are a failure, your dreams are gone, you are insignificant … you know the song the devil sings to you of despair. I admit I was listening to it on repeat every hour of every day until finally the thought came: wouldn’t just be easier if I was gone? And of course, it comes while driving in the rain on a towering overpass.

Wallowing or not, I know this thought is not my own. It is not at all who God created me to be. I am the woman who ALWAYS pushed through no matter how gross or ugly it looks. I know the roots of what God has planted in me are deeper and won’t allow satan’s schemes any good ground. I pull over at a Sonic for some caffeine and take a call from a friend. She has been where I am and reminds me, I am not alone. She tells me not to panic or worry and that she knows what is ahead is better than what is behind. Her words remind me to go back to what was spoken over me last May and I read it again seeing the words, “there is an exchange due at the door.” The words settle over me and I digest them.

A few days go by and satan’s record begin to play again. It is so easy to fall back into its song when you are emotionally, spiritually and physically drained BUT it is Sunday and I am on my way to church so I combat that crap with the word of God and throw on TD Jakes’ podcast. My Pastor preaches a word that I need, and I cry on the shoulder of a woman who too has suffered so much loss this past year having to say goodbye to her husband. She is explaining to me how God gave her the word prolific for 2020 when I hear someone call, “Tif”? I wasn’t sure I truly heard my name, so I remain still until I hear it again, “Tif”? “Tif”?

I look up to see it is my Pastor searching for me. He calls me up front and asks for a microphone. I shake my head because I am crying so hard, there are no words. He asks, “do you know how amazing you are”? Me being me, I shake my head no because right now, how could I possibly feel amazing when I am in a state of defeat? He spoke about how I am no longer ashamed of the sins God has set me free from and how I pour love into people… then He looks at me and says, “I know you keep asking yourself why terrible things keep happening to you but you need to know it is because satan hates you. He hates you because you never stay down. He hates you because you are oily (the sermon was about being covered in the anointing of God) and you always slip through his fingers.” I am not sure what else Pastor said but I soon find myself surrounded by people praying over me. Touches of love, each speaking over me as the Holy Spirit leads; words to help sooth me, lift me, love me. I can’t see them all as some are behind me, but I recognize the voice of my constant prayer partner, the one who spoke over me in May. I hear her mother who’s shoulder I had been crying on just moments before. I am fully ugly crying now…snot and the whole nine yards but that doesn’t stop the arms of a younger couple I just met in the past 30 days from swallowing me in their arms and hugging me so hard I had no other choice but to relax in and begin to let my hurt finally go.

I feel more like myself right now than I have in a couple of months. The depression has given away to a new hope and isn’t that what God has promised us not just in His specific word to me, “ you will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose and a new hope and blessing” but also in His Word to all of us: For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that (Jeremiah 29:11).

It is SO HARD to remember that you are LOVED when the enemy keeps attacking you through people you love but I have found that if I stop and look outside myself for even a second that wrapping my identity of love up in just the one hurting me is lie because the truth is that for every one person that has betrayed or hurt me, there are at least three others that truly love me. Right now, I might be broken by the world’s standards, but I am rich by the Kingdom’s standards. And so, I have ended 2019 even in the darkest of times with a firm understanding that I am indeed LOVED. That knowledge has been hard earned, but it is true, nonetheless.

For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan (Romans 8:28).

Satan hates me. I know this means I am doing LOVE right. Not perfectly by any means, as my siblings will be more than willing to tell you, but I am getting it right more than I am getting wrong and absolutely nothing changes the world like LOVE does. He knocked me down, but he cannot knock me out and this is no time to quit! His attacks only make me stronger in the Lord, more useful and of greater testimony. I am slippery when anointed by The Most High God and He has already won my battles, defeated every foe, made a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He is my high tower and I have no one to be afraid of as He is my Light and Salvation! He is the light at the end of my tunnel.

… no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us (Romans 8:37).

Like Peter, I am being sent down to find the fish with exactly what I need its mouth (Matthew 17:27). My dream is not over. It was real and it has not been stolen or denied me. My life is not over, nor has it lost its value. Instead, it is getting saltier and we all know salt goes great with tequila and testimonies…wink! wink!

Opposite but equal...

Listen to the truth I speak to you: If someone says to this mountain with great faith and having no doubt, ‘Mountain, be lifted up and thrown into the midst of the sea,’ and believes that what he says will happen, it will be done. Mark 11:23

I promise you, if you have faith inside of you no bigger than the size of a small mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move away from here and go over there,’ and you will see it move! There is nothing you couldn’t do! Matthew 17:20b

Sunday a week ago, my dear friend and mentor, Charles Ham posted something on Facebook he picked up during his Sunday service in Huntsville, Alabama at his church, The Rock: stop climbing the mountain God has given you the power to move.

Maybe give yourself a minute to absorb that information. Read it a couple of times.

STOP CLIMBING THE MOUNTAIN GOD’S GIVEN YOU THE POWER TO MOVE.

How much time do we waste in our faith whining about things that we invite back in over and over and over? We blame God because He doesn’t answer, when in truth, we keep picking it back up. He removes it from us but we, because it is comfortable, bring it back. Ask for it. Run after it. In some cases, there isn’t a distance far enough that we can’t find it again. We wake up day after day ready to do battle when the battle is over. Has been for quite some time. We only need lay down the sword and walk forward.

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. Romans 7:15 … Paul wrote those words somewhere between 57-58 A.D., nearly 2,000 years ago. Yet here we sit in the very same human condition; nothing changed. Post conversion, I am certain Paul did a much better job than I at living out his faith. I STRUGGLE in one particular area. I have great faith in many ways but this one kicks my butt every damn time. Like clockwork.

It struck me as I thought about moving the mountains in my life instead of wearing myself out repeatedly trying to climb them that perhaps…I am THE mountain. I stand in my own way.  I stand in the way of all the blessings, prosperity, joy, happiness, contentment, etc. that God has promised me both in the Bible and via my prayer life.

I just can’t get enough of Ron Carpenter. I’ve downloaded his podcast and if I need to drive anywhere over 20-25 minutes, I’ve got him rockin’ my stereo. His current sermon series is Distinction. In the promo, he speaks about if you’ve ever felt like you’re alone or you don’ belong: this sermon series is for you. BINGO! That speaks directly to my heart. When I was young, I reveled in my uniqueness. Still do BUT as time marches on the loneliness can begin to cause wear and tear on your heart…changing the view of your uniqueness from something good to hindrance.

Carpenter says in Distinction: You are a house of thoughts. You get to choose which ones go and which ones stay. You can’t control every random thought that zips through your brain, but you do get to choose your meditation. In Lysa Terkeurst’s book, Uninvited, she talks about being set apart not set aside. This information resonates with me.

Satan is a liar and loneliness is a powerful weapon. Time combined with humanity can make it easy to believe that God has forgotten about you. Set you aside. Left you on your own to fend for yourself. BUT! The truth is that God never leaves you or forsakes you (Deuteronomy 31:6 / Hebrews 13:5). The beginning of the verse in Deuteronomy says do not be afraid … ironically, when we get weary of waiting on the Lord, that’s exactly what happens: we get afraid. We become the mountain.

I feel like I am rambling a bit, but I think it is important to recognize that not all the mountains in our lives are satan or created by others but instead of our own devices. We decide that we cannot do this or that. We decided we cannot have this or that. We decide to ignore the truth in God’s Word and turn a molehill into a mountain.

We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God. We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One. 2 Corinthians 10:5

How do we demolish every nasty thought and bad attitude?

Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God’s will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes. Romans 2:12

 The Holy Spirit of God has sealed you in Jesus Christ until you experience your full salvation. So never grieve the Spirit of God or take for granted his holy influence in your life. Ephesians 4:30

The Holy Spirit doesn’t just mark but seals us as one who believes in Jesus as our Savior and hence, belongs to God. We are warned not to grieve Him or take for granted His influence, but do we even understand who He truly is or why He is here? The Bible say in John 15:26: I will send you the Divine Encourager from the very presence of my Father. He will come to you, the Spirit of Truth, emanating from the Father, and he will speak to you about me. In John 14:16: And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Savior, the Holy Spirit of Truth, who will be to you a friend just like me—and he will never leave you. The world won’t receive him because they can’t see him or know him. But you will know him intimately, because he will make his home in you and will live inside you.

The Bible uses the words: Ezer Kenegdo as the name for the Holy Spirit. Ezer means to aid, help, or rescue (from a place of strength). In Ransomed Heart by Staci Eldridge, she suggests that Ezer is more power than its simplest definition and the true meaning is more akin to lifesaver. This speaks to John 14:16 where Jesus says He is sending us another Savior. Jesus saved us from death, hell and the grave. The Holy Spirit saves us from ourselves. Kenegdo means opposite as; in front of; in sight of; similar; having the same nature; corresponding to. After reading through many definitions and opinions of the word kenegdo my simplest translation: opposite but equal. The Holy Spirit isn’t (obviously) Jesus. He isn’t in a human form and doesn’t have a body…opposite of Jesus but He is equal to Jesus in power. Like Jesus, He encourages us, tells us the truth, is a Savior, teaches us to pray (Romans 8:26), teaches us about ourselves and others (I Corinthians 12:1-11), gives us access to God we didn’t previously have (I Corinthians 6:19 | I Corinthians 3:16-17)…just to name a few.

If you ask me… the Holy Spirit is our unfettered access to God in the absence of Jesus’ presence on Earth. He is the conduit by which we can converse with the Trinity freely and openly whenever we fancy. I think it behooves me to get to know Him a bit better and much, MUCH more intimately because He seems able to move the mountain when the mountain IS me. The Holy Spirit saves me from me. He is my rescuer.  He is truth and as well all know…the TRUTH is what sets you free (John 8:32).

The pursuit of truth will set you free; even if you never catch up with it , Clarence Darrow.

God tore down the castle I built for myself so that He could give me the kingdom He created for me.

It has been awhile since I have written or blogged anything. God has been doing a thing for me. Something that I hadn’t envisioned for myself. In fact, something so far out of the box of what I thought His answer would look like that it has sort of blown my mind.

Seven years ago, I began a quest to understand what God’s love looked like, felt like. I wanted to KNOW it so I could give it away. Receiving it wasn’t really on my radar. I read MANY books. Read the Bible. Studied the meaning of the words and the context. I even switched churches after God laid it on my heart to sit under a certain man as my pastor. Within 3 years, I felt like I was beginning to have a firm grasp on what love truly was and what it looked like. I was pouring it into others, and I felt good. I felt loved and accepted for myself.

Then the bottom began to drop out… family conflicts, business struggles, personal strife, church muck. As quickly as I felt loved, I felt alone, and I couldn’t understand how I went from such a crazy, amazing high to such a horrific low. I kept trying to pinpoint where I’d gone wrong. There had to be a reason for my distress, right? It wasn’t one area…it was EVERY area. Watching my community crumble before my very eyes was as hurtful as watching my marriage crumble. I wasn’t just butt hurt; I was heart hurt.

I lost relationships during this time period, I thought were impossible to lose. I kept receiving answers, or so I thought, only to have them ripped seemingly right from under me and when I thought it was at its worst, something even more tragic would happen. I became comfortable with grief. Disappointment and I got super friendly. I was convinced that this set of circumstances was just going to be my life. I did not let it keep me from my faith, but I lost the part of myself that believed in something better. I was guilty of forgetting God promised me more.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that most of my church read a book at the beginning of the year called, One Word That Will Change Your Life by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. God reached down into the very depths of my soul and chose a word to direct my year that stunned me: LOVED. When He gave me that word, I cringed. In that moment and the moments leading up to it…in fact, in the months leading up to it, the very last thing I left was loved. Mostly, I left alone and abandoned. I remember laying in my bed and laughing out loud, asking God: how are You going to accomplish that? Almost makes me giggle that I am asking the Most High God, my Creator, my Savior, my Healer, the God of the Universe and my heart: HOW? But, if you know me and He does, I ask Him a lot of stupid questions.

He has plans greater for you than you can imagine: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jerimiah 29:11). The thing is that if we don’t believe we deserve His plans for us, how can we ever receive them? God taught me how to love but I wasn’t allowing myself to be loved.  So, He positioned me. It sucked.

Like the Children of Israel, I had to walk through the desert alone and without so that I could become utterly reliant on Him. OH BUT! Grace found me there! I gave up my will. I removed my lens. I accepted begrudgingly His words about me (beautiful, loved). As I let what I thought should be, go and recognized His truth what I discovered were people who became Jesus to me. People who truly loved me not because I was giving them anything in return but because they saw me with His eyes. Tired to the bone of the struggles of life, I finally allowed these people to invest in me, fight for me, pray for me. What I found for the first time in a long time, was rest.

The economy of the Kingdom of God is usually quite opposite of the world. He calls us to die to ourselves and lose what we think is precious in order to gain our freedom and inheritance: Philippians 3:8 | Luke 9:23-24 | Romans 6:6-7.

John 3:30 says that He must increase; I must decrease. Further on in chapter 12, verse 24 says that unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it will remain alone but if it dies, it will bear much fruit. The process of dying to one’s self is egregious at best. I am often confounded as to why I so readily believe the author of lies over my Creator and Savior and yet, I do. We all do. He tore down the castle I built for myself so that He could give me the kingdom He created for me.

I lost a community I thought would protect me, but I gained four couples that became a fortress around my heart and mind (Proverbs 4:23). I lost a job that I thought I needed to survive financially but gained a business opportunity that my mind could not have fathomed even six months ago (Jeremiah 29:11). I lost relationships but I gained friends that stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). I lost incorrect ideas about what God had been building in my life but gained a new, proper prospective (1 Corinthians 1:27).

Seven months into my year, I am feeling LOVED. I never saw it coming but I now have a clearer understanding that I must allow others to give to me as I give, as HE GIVES, so that He can get me where He wants me to go…forward.

Charles Ham pointed out to me that I had become resigned with my circumstances in order to survive them but that the time for merely surviving was over and it was now time to thrive. I had to expect God’s best for me so that I could receive God’s best for me. I was the seed God planted. I had to die so that I did not remain alone but instead bear much fruit. It is harvest time! FINALLY time for God to reap from me what He planted within me.

So my friend my word for you is this: don’t get lost in the process God must put you through to till your ground, plant your seed, water you so that you might grow, keep you from reaching the ultimate reward He wants to reap from you … the perfected you He created you to be (James 1:4).

God will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

Currently most mornings, I read a short Bible study out of Lisa Bevere’s, Embraced. Today, the verse and study were on humility and TODAY there was a profound revelation within her words just for me: God’s provision protects our hearts.

If you know me, then you know that I have been single for quite some time. I have ridden a roller coaster of emotion over being alone for 18 years. In the beginning, it was important for my children. They needed my undivided attention. God had revealed to me that if I made HIM the man in my life that He would make sure I was never alone. I considered it an honor and fully worth the sacrifice to give that time solely to my children.

When my daughter graduated and went off to college, I suddenly had a lot of extra free time. I at the encouragement of some friends and after speaking to my son for his approval, enrolled on some online dating websites. My son was in high school and I thought maybe I could test the waters. I did not have crazy expectations that meeting someone would be a quick endeavor, so I dipped my toe in the dating pool. It was not a great experience, but I did meet someone who I thought might be “the one”. I was wrong.

God showed me I had jumped the gun and I apologized to my son and though I was not dating “the one”, we did remain friends. The friendship grew but never developed into more. But I need to back up a moment…during the time I was searching online, I became frustrated. I felt like everyone else was having success in their dating lives but mine was atrocious and that is being polite. I fussed at God and was like what the heck man, I do what You say! Don’t I deserve this? Isn’t this what You promised me? Where’s my not alone promise? Am I not worthy? Did I screw up and not know it?

I would go out with “friends” and they would get hit on by all kinds of men. Me though … nada, zero, zilch! I almost felt invisible to men. I was disappointed and dejected. I even had a group of friends that refused to let me go out with them if they were on the prowl because they said I had bad mojo and it effected their ability to meet men, if I was with them. Humiliated, I gave up. I quit the online dating. I quite those “friendships” and decided that I was somehow missing something that every or any man was looking for in a date, let alone a mate.

I convinced myself that I was just a little too much: too chubby, too old, too loud, too independent and that men only desired a woman that somehow needed saving. Well…I was already saved. God did that for me, and I turn to Him when I needed something because He is and has been, after all, the man in my life. I had reinforcement in this line of thinking along the way because of my unwillingness to “play the game” when it came to my relationships. I was unwilling and too old in my book to play the damsel in distress. I raised two children on my own and ran a company on behalf of my father. Who would believe that ploy anyway…especially, once they got to know the real me?

Sitting at the bar at a Twin Peaks with an old friend, after watching several men buy her drinks and ignore me entirely, I blew out a frustrated breath. She turned to me and said, “you know the heartache I’ve suffered dating man after man only to find that none of them are right. You are lucky … NO blessed God has you in that bubble you complain about all the time.” Shocked, I asked what bubble? She said, “the bubble He uses to protect your heart. I wish He had mine in a bubble.” I was stunned into silence while I pondered this seemingly ridiculous new information.

She went on to explain that she felt I had been set apart and from her point of view, unfairly protected. I am sitting there thinking that guy doesn’t notice me because of how I look in comparison to her and she is sitting there wondering why God leaves her heart open for trampling. It truly is all about perspective, isn’t it?

We often unfairly judge God by not seeing, let alone understanding His perspective.

Time went on and though I had heard this truth and it had spoken to my heart…I again became disillusioned over time. I was in Houston after my auction with my best friends who are the absolute best couple I know. They love each well and they inspire me not to settle for less than what they’ve got. I was looking better by the world’s standards at this point. I had lost a significant amount of weight. I was in shape. Not thin; my body is not capable of thin, but I felt good about myself. We were talking and joking about my lack of love life or even prospects when the male half of my bestie duo turned to me with a serious face and said, “it’s not you. I know you think it’s you but it’s not you. You are amazing. It’s them. Most men don’t know what to do with a strong woman. Most men don’t know how a strong woman makes a man better.” After that, he told a joke to lighten the mood and we had a round of drinks, ate dinner and enjoyed our evening together, but his words gave me peace.

About a year or so ago, our associate Pastor preached on God’s perfect gifts and I recognized once again, that if God did bring a man into my life at this point…it would be a gift and I should expect His perfection for me. It took my mind back in time. I was newly divorced and my then Pastor’s wife told me that if God put a longing in my heart for a husband that He would in His perfect time fulfill that desire. BUT! It has been a long time now and it is hard to believe, He is still at work. Even with His reminders, placed periodically throughout my life…holding onto that hope is hard. It is easier to resign myself to loneliness.

And yet, that desire is still within me to have a hand to hold and mouth to kiss. I am not a fan of pent up frustration. It can breed into bitterness. I need to find a way to keep laying my expectations down, accept what is and be content in that, right? I mean Paul writes to the Philippians: I know what it means to lack, and I know what it means to experience overwhelming abundance. For I’m trained in the secret of overcoming all things, whether in fullness or in hunger. And I find that the strength of Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty (Philippians 4:12-13 TPT).  How am I supposed to manage both God given desire and contentment?

The answer is that I don’t have to…I just need to hope and trust God. I can go live and enjoy my life, not missing things I shouldn’t because I have let my thoughts and feelings get the better of me.

My therapist had me make a list of what I was looking for in man about 7 years ago. God has obliterated that list in so many ways I now laugh about it but in it’s place He has given me revelation about “the one”. Things he will and will not be beyond my own preferences. Today, He added to the list: He will protect my heart just like He has protected my heart. My heart, your heart, our hearts are important to God; so important that He will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

The struggle is real.

It’s been awhile since I have taken time to be quiet enough to put my hands to the keyboard and allow Him to flow through me in this way. I have been too wrapped up in my own self to slow down and really breathe like this…to soak Him and hear Him down deep, soul deep.

Noise is my adversary when it comes to hearing His voice and the world is full of noise. If you learn how to block out the noise and hear Him still, the decimal level continues to grow until you… I become too distracted once again. If I don’t succumb to the “good” time, the bad will come. If I fight to ward off the bad, a battle will arise. Anything to keep me wound up. Keep it loud. Keep me from hearing. Rob my peace.

My mind rolls with thoughts of this and now that and oh crap…this is even worse…where is this all coming from? Until I find myself downtrodden asking where this attack is coming from because I was good, wasn’t I? I was reading and praying and worshiping. I was serving and loving and helping. But I am alone. I feel without Him though He promised He’d never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The lie I most often fall prey to is that I am alone. Isolation is a power weapon.

I open my Bible, read the verse again to remind myself of His promise and find I’ve forgotten part of the equation to be strong and courageous; do not be afraid. It occurs to me now that I’ve fallen right back into the same old trap of satan’s lies and betrayal. Forgotten again the truth. When will I stop believing I am anything less than what He, as my Creator, says that I am? When will I finally learn to block out the noise and know my worth?

I forget regularly that He see me. It is so much easier for me to believe He sees everyone else and somehow passes right over me. Forgets me. Out of the blue, a dear friend texts me a Word God has had chosen for me because He loves me, and He sees.

Without delay, my voice reaches Your ears.

In an instant, You hear me.

Immediately, You answer me!

Before my spirit has time to falter, Your brilliant countenance flashes before me.

You show Your face compassionately to me.

You whisper softly to me, speaking only of Your tenderness, kindness, faithfulness, mercy and favor-

Such are Your encouragements to me.

It is this PERFECT LOVE and high regard You have for me that causes me to trust YOU –

utterly, completely and securely.

My spirit, once downcast, is carefree and bold again.

You deliver me.

Snatching me away from destruction.

Plundering the very ones who intended harm toward me.

Your heart and breath revive me. You overwhelm me with Your love.

I open my Bible again, this time to the scripture referenced in the decree above, Psalm 143:7-9 (TPT):

Lord, come quickly and answer me, for my depression deepens and I’m about to give up.
Don’t leave me now or I’ll die!
Let the dawning day bring me revelation of your tender, unfailing love.
Give me light for my path and teach me, for I trust in you.
Save me from all my enemies, for I hide myself in you.

I read it again, this time in The Voice translation:

Hurry and answer me, O Eternal One, for my spirit is weak, my courage is gone.
Do not turn away; let me see Your face; otherwise, I’ll die and be like all those who have gone to the grave.
Make me hear of Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You.
Teach me how I should walk, for I offer my soul up to You.

Rescue me from my enemies, Eternal One, for You are my shelter from them.

I read the whole chapter now because I know there is something; something I need to gleam here… then I stumble over that thing that finally makes me breathe easier: I fix my mind on all You have done (v5). I read it again: I fix my mind on all You have done. And again: I fix my mind on all You have done. I bow my head and I let the truth of that wash over me, bringing to my mind creation, salvation, resurrection, healing, mercy, grace…unconditional LOVE. Inside myself I see the light ignite, my heart begins to heal, my spirit lifts and I can breathe deeply once again.

I can be quiet now. My mind still. I can know that you are Lord. You remind me of Romans 8:31: So what should we say about all of this? If God is on our side, then tell me: whom should we fear? I scan down further to verses 37-39 and find yet more reassurance: But no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us. For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord.

The only thing that comes between me and the love of God is me. That is the truth. I go back to Psalm 143 and pray over myself verse 10: Teach me how to do Your will, for You are my God. Allow Your good Spirit to guide me on level ground, to guide me along Your path. This is my submission, my worship…to put my fingers to my keyboard and be honest, be bold.

Pondering love...

What is your reaction to something not going your way?

I have taken every personality test in the book. I am a choleric melancholy. I am a high D per DISC. I am an 8 on the enneagram. Meyers-Briggs called me ESTJ in my youth but as I’ve matured, I have morphed into ENFP. This information should be an indicator to anyone that has the information, how I might react in any given situation.

I am a firm believer that God does not make mistakes. He is I AM, and He remains the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The Bible confirms this in Hebrews 13:8: Jesus, the Anointed One, is always the same—yesterday, today, and forever. Time and again, I return to Isaiah 55:8-9: My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do. My thoughts and My ways are above and beyond you just as heaven is far from your reach here on earth. I return because I rarely understand what the holy heck He is doing. I do not understand why He is doing it or when He is doing it and being who He created me to be … I like empirical evidence. My life would be so much easier if He said, “Tiffany go this way because XYZ” but that is not faith.

He longs to stretch us. Remold us. Morph us from the mess we’ve created for ourselves into the perfected person that was His initial and very intentional creation. Jeremiah 1:5a states: Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you. Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you. Isaiah 49:15 reminds us that He never forgets us: Is it possible for a mother, however disappointed, however hurt, to forget her nursing child? Can she feel nothing for the baby she carried and birthed? Even if she could, I, God, will never forget you.

He calls us to love…Those who are loved by God, let His love continually pour from you to one another, because God is love. Everyone who loves is fathered by God and experiences an intimate knowledge of Him. The one who doesn’t love has yet to know God, for God is love. The light of God’s love shined within us when He sent his matchless Son into the world so that we might live through Him. This is love: He loved us long before we loved Him. It was His love, not ours. He proved it by sending his Son to be the pleasing sacrificial offering to take away our sins. Delightfully loved ones, if He loved us with such tremendous love, then “loving one another” should be our way of life! No one has ever gazed upon the fullness of God’s splendor. But if we love one another, God makes His permanent home in us, and we make our permanent home in Him, and His love is brought to its full expression in us. And He has given us His Spirit within us so that we can have the assurance that He lives in us and that we live in Him (1 John 4:7-13).

Those words say to me that I am to love you and that love is the evidence in me that I love Him and by doing so, it ushers the very presence of God into me, personally, by way of the Holy Spirit.

What happens when my human heart encounters a person who will not love me back? Honestly, it depends on the person and what I perceive as our level of intimacy. I have found that in my day to day life, I can love just about anyone for a short period of time. I can love wholeheartedly that woman cashing out my groceries for the ten minutes I am in line or the server at the restaurant, I am only spending at most maybe a couple of hours with but the person I have allowed in deeper, the person I thought might be a friend or an ally…well, now the act of love becomes a whole lot less about them and more about me. I have had to ask myself earnestly how much of Him do I want in me because the more I have of Him the more of me I must crucify in order to love more deeply and correctly.

We often read and should quite honestly commit to memory, 1 Corinthians 13:4-10:

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial, but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away.

BUT what about verses 1-3 which say: If I were to speak with eloquence in earth’s many languages, and in the heavenly tongues of angels, yet I didn’t express myself with love, my words would be reduced to the hollow sound of nothing more than a clanging cymbal.  And if I were to have the gift of prophecy with a profound understanding of God’s hidden secrets, and if I possessed unending supernatural knowledge, and if I had the greatest gift of faith that could move mountains, but have never learned to love, then I am nothing. And if I were to be so generous as to give away everything, I owned to feed the poor, and to offer my body to be burned as a martyr, without the pure motive of love, I would gain nothing of value.

These verses hold the practical consequences of what life without love looks like. If your words are astute but contain no love, then they sound like bullshit. If you know everything, even things hidden to the rest of us and have faith enough to produce miracles, but no love then you are literally nothing. If you gave away everything you possess to those in need and died in sacrifice for your belief in God but did so without love, you did it all for nothing…you lost everything and gained nothing. Brings to mind Matthew 7:21: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the realm of heaven’s kingdom. It is only those who persist in doing the will of my heavenly Father.”

God’s will ALWAYS includes love because HE IS LOVE.

When I am hurt by someone unexpected, someone close; my personality and instincts take over and I push away, build a wall, isolate but God will only allow me to remain there for so long because His expectation is that I continue to become more like Him which means, I have to not be irritated or take offense or take failure as defeat (mine or yours) or take delight in what is wrong or give up. No, instead His expectation for me is that I never stop loving.

Now Paul’s words have a potent value: I have been crucified with the Anointed One—I am no longer alive—but the Anointed is living in me; and whatever life I have left in this failing body I live by the faithfulness of God’s Son, the One who loves me and gave His body on the cross for me (Galatians 2:20). Every time, love brings me back to the cross. It is the ultimate mark of love. Love will, at some point, hurt you: emotionally, maybe physically, spiritually too perhaps but the sacrifices we make for love are also what slays our fleshly, human selves and allows the transformation into our God perfected, heavenly selves.

Love is a choice…as John Mayer sings: Love is a verb. It ain’t a thing. It’s not something you own. Its not something you scream. When you show me love, I don’t need your words. Yeah, love ain’t a thing. Love is a verb. So you gotta show, show, show me that love is verb. You can say I love you all day long but if you never act upon that love with action, chances are the recipient will never believe you. Jesus’s love was in action. He should us first. Now, we need to show ours.

Lord, I pray that in me, Your love will be a verb, in action and that those you call me to love will never doubt Your love for them because of something I do wrong but rathe ALWAYS KNOW Your love for them because of something I do right. Thank you for your patience with me. In the name of Jesus, AMEN.