God will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

Currently most mornings, I read a short Bible study out of Lisa Bevere’s, Embraced. Today, the verse and study were on humility and TODAY there was a profound revelation within her words just for me: God’s provision protects our hearts.

If you know me, then you know that I have been single for quite some time. I have ridden a roller coaster of emotion over being alone for 18 years. In the beginning, it was important for my children. They needed my undivided attention. God had revealed to me that if I made HIM the man in my life that He would make sure I was never alone. I considered it an honor and fully worth the sacrifice to give that time solely to my children.

When my daughter graduated and went off to college, I suddenly had a lot of extra free time. I at the encouragement of some friends and after speaking to my son for his approval, enrolled on some online dating websites. My son was in high school and I thought maybe I could test the waters. I did not have crazy expectations that meeting someone would be a quick endeavor, so I dipped my toe in the dating pool. It was not a great experience, but I did meet someone who I thought might be “the one”. I was wrong.

God showed me I had jumped the gun and I apologized to my son and though I was not dating “the one”, we did remain friends. The friendship grew but never developed into more. But I need to back up a moment…during the time I was searching online, I became frustrated. I felt like everyone else was having success in their dating lives but mine was atrocious and that is being polite. I fussed at God and was like what the heck man, I do what You say! Don’t I deserve this? Isn’t this what You promised me? Where’s my not alone promise? Am I not worthy? Did I screw up and not know it?

I would go out with “friends” and they would get hit on by all kinds of men. Me though … nada, zero, zilch! I almost felt invisible to men. I was disappointed and dejected. I even had a group of friends that refused to let me go out with them if they were on the prowl because they said I had bad mojo and it effected their ability to meet men, if I was with them. Humiliated, I gave up. I quit the online dating. I quite those “friendships” and decided that I was somehow missing something that every or any man was looking for in a date, let alone a mate.

I convinced myself that I was just a little too much: too chubby, too old, too loud, too independent and that men only desired a woman that somehow needed saving. Well…I was already saved. God did that for me, and I turn to Him when I needed something because He is and has been, after all, the man in my life. I had reinforcement in this line of thinking along the way because of my unwillingness to “play the game” when it came to my relationships. I was unwilling and too old in my book to play the damsel in distress. I raised two children on my own and ran a company on behalf of my father. Who would believe that ploy anyway…especially, once they got to know the real me?

Sitting at the bar at a Twin Peaks with an old friend, after watching several men buy her drinks and ignore me entirely, I blew out a frustrated breath. She turned to me and said, “you know the heartache I’ve suffered dating man after man only to find that none of them are right. You are lucky … NO blessed God has you in that bubble you complain about all the time.” Shocked, I asked what bubble? She said, “the bubble He uses to protect your heart. I wish He had mine in a bubble.” I was stunned into silence while I pondered this seemingly ridiculous new information.

She went on to explain that she felt I had been set apart and from her point of view, unfairly protected. I am sitting there thinking that guy doesn’t notice me because of how I look in comparison to her and she is sitting there wondering why God leaves her heart open for trampling. It truly is all about perspective, isn’t it?

We often unfairly judge God by not seeing, let alone understanding His perspective.

Time went on and though I had heard this truth and it had spoken to my heart…I again became disillusioned over time. I was in Houston after my auction with my best friends who are the absolute best couple I know. They love each well and they inspire me not to settle for less than what they’ve got. I was looking better by the world’s standards at this point. I had lost a significant amount of weight. I was in shape. Not thin; my body is not capable of thin, but I felt good about myself. We were talking and joking about my lack of love life or even prospects when the male half of my bestie duo turned to me with a serious face and said, “it’s not you. I know you think it’s you but it’s not you. You are amazing. It’s them. Most men don’t know what to do with a strong woman. Most men don’t know how a strong woman makes a man better.” After that, he told a joke to lighten the mood and we had a round of drinks, ate dinner and enjoyed our evening together, but his words gave me peace.

About a year or so ago, our associate Pastor preached on God’s perfect gifts and I recognized once again, that if God did bring a man into my life at this point…it would be a gift and I should expect His perfection for me. It took my mind back in time. I was newly divorced and my then Pastor’s wife told me that if God put a longing in my heart for a husband that He would in His perfect time fulfill that desire. BUT! It has been a long time now and it is hard to believe, He is still at work. Even with His reminders, placed periodically throughout my life…holding onto that hope is hard. It is easier to resign myself to loneliness.

And yet, that desire is still within me to have a hand to hold and mouth to kiss. I am not a fan of pent up frustration. It can breed into bitterness. I need to find a way to keep laying my expectations down, accept what is and be content in that, right? I mean Paul writes to the Philippians: I know what it means to lack, and I know what it means to experience overwhelming abundance. For I’m trained in the secret of overcoming all things, whether in fullness or in hunger. And I find that the strength of Christ’s explosive power infuses me to conquer every difficulty (Philippians 4:12-13 TPT).  How am I supposed to manage both God given desire and contentment?

The answer is that I don’t have to…I just need to hope and trust God. I can go live and enjoy my life, not missing things I shouldn’t because I have let my thoughts and feelings get the better of me.

My therapist had me make a list of what I was looking for in man about 7 years ago. God has obliterated that list in so many ways I now laugh about it but in it’s place He has given me revelation about “the one”. Things he will and will not be beyond my own preferences. Today, He added to the list: He will protect my heart just like He has protected my heart. My heart, your heart, our hearts are important to God; so important that He will protect your heart, even if you won’t.

The struggle is real.

It’s been awhile since I have taken time to be quiet enough to put my hands to the keyboard and allow Him to flow through me in this way. I have been too wrapped up in my own self to slow down and really breathe like this…to soak Him and hear Him down deep, soul deep.

Noise is my adversary when it comes to hearing His voice and the world is full of noise. If you learn how to block out the noise and hear Him still, the decimal level continues to grow until you… I become too distracted once again. If I don’t succumb to the “good” time, the bad will come. If I fight to ward off the bad, a battle will arise. Anything to keep me wound up. Keep it loud. Keep me from hearing. Rob my peace.

My mind rolls with thoughts of this and now that and oh crap…this is even worse…where is this all coming from? Until I find myself downtrodden asking where this attack is coming from because I was good, wasn’t I? I was reading and praying and worshiping. I was serving and loving and helping. But I am alone. I feel without Him though He promised He’d never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). The lie I most often fall prey to is that I am alone. Isolation is a power weapon.

I open my Bible, read the verse again to remind myself of His promise and find I’ve forgotten part of the equation to be strong and courageous; do not be afraid. It occurs to me now that I’ve fallen right back into the same old trap of satan’s lies and betrayal. Forgotten again the truth. When will I stop believing I am anything less than what He, as my Creator, says that I am? When will I finally learn to block out the noise and know my worth?

I forget regularly that He see me. It is so much easier for me to believe He sees everyone else and somehow passes right over me. Forgets me. Out of the blue, a dear friend texts me a Word God has had chosen for me because He loves me, and He sees.

Without delay, my voice reaches Your ears.

In an instant, You hear me.

Immediately, You answer me!

Before my spirit has time to falter, Your brilliant countenance flashes before me.

You show Your face compassionately to me.

You whisper softly to me, speaking only of Your tenderness, kindness, faithfulness, mercy and favor-

Such are Your encouragements to me.

It is this PERFECT LOVE and high regard You have for me that causes me to trust YOU –

utterly, completely and securely.

My spirit, once downcast, is carefree and bold again.

You deliver me.

Snatching me away from destruction.

Plundering the very ones who intended harm toward me.

Your heart and breath revive me. You overwhelm me with Your love.

I open my Bible again, this time to the scripture referenced in the decree above, Psalm 143:7-9 (TPT):

Lord, come quickly and answer me, for my depression deepens and I’m about to give up.
Don’t leave me now or I’ll die!
Let the dawning day bring me revelation of your tender, unfailing love.
Give me light for my path and teach me, for I trust in you.
Save me from all my enemies, for I hide myself in you.

I read it again, this time in The Voice translation:

Hurry and answer me, O Eternal One, for my spirit is weak, my courage is gone.
Do not turn away; let me see Your face; otherwise, I’ll die and be like all those who have gone to the grave.
Make me hear of Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You.
Teach me how I should walk, for I offer my soul up to You.

Rescue me from my enemies, Eternal One, for You are my shelter from them.

I read the whole chapter now because I know there is something; something I need to gleam here… then I stumble over that thing that finally makes me breathe easier: I fix my mind on all You have done (v5). I read it again: I fix my mind on all You have done. And again: I fix my mind on all You have done. I bow my head and I let the truth of that wash over me, bringing to my mind creation, salvation, resurrection, healing, mercy, grace…unconditional LOVE. Inside myself I see the light ignite, my heart begins to heal, my spirit lifts and I can breathe deeply once again.

I can be quiet now. My mind still. I can know that you are Lord. You remind me of Romans 8:31: So what should we say about all of this? If God is on our side, then tell me: whom should we fear? I scan down further to verses 37-39 and find yet more reassurance: But no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us. For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord.

The only thing that comes between me and the love of God is me. That is the truth. I go back to Psalm 143 and pray over myself verse 10: Teach me how to do Your will, for You are my God. Allow Your good Spirit to guide me on level ground, to guide me along Your path. This is my submission, my worship…to put my fingers to my keyboard and be honest, be bold.