For Meg…
It has been a
hot minute since I have sat down to write anything. It’s been a rollercoaster
for me since 2019 but Meg sent me a text message with a memory of one of my blog
posts from Facebook and said, “I miss reading these” …so here, I am.
In 2019, I
thought God was FINALLY coming through for me and making all my dreams come
true. Laughable now. Nightmare business partners crushed me. Followed by
worldwide pandemic, universal lockdown and putting on a good 35-pounds of what
I lovingly refer to as my COVID baby.
My first grandchild
arrived in 2019. The pandemic kept me away from him for what seemed like the
entirety of the first year of his life. BUT good things happened too. I got
some quality time with my parents and although forced initially, I began to
relish the time. Not all of it, of course. My father watches way too much girly
television for my tastes but I know that was a beautiful gift of concentrated
time that I will look back upon cherish.
The end of 2020
brought me into a new business partnership. Ironically, the partner I wanted in
2019 but was maneuvered away from. He must have been God’s plan for me all
along, and He just made a way anyway. 2021 brought back the live auction. It
was amazing to see all my road family and car people again. We had taken for
granted our industry and the stability of our connections.
2022 I was
finally able to belatedly celebrate my 50th at Disney World and just
as I was feeling like myself again, God through a curveball so epic that I can
only described the aftermath as gobsmacked.
I loved my little
church in Boerne, Texas. I am pretty sure I have spoken before about how I
believed that particular church was what Jesus meant church to be. It was full of
loving, beautiful, kind, amazing, broken but healed people…until it wasn’t. Over
the course of several years, under the surface a storm began to brew then rage
until finally, a split.
I watched my
Pastor announce the split during the 9th year birthday celebration of
our church at the Saturday night service. I watched him mourn the loss of these people…his
people. People he loved and had poured his life into…I do not have words
express what I witnessed that night, but the tears flowed freely down my face
as I watched him come to terms with his loss. Broken heartedness. Pure,
unadulterated sorrow. Grieving the destruction of what God had been building in
that place, in us. Heart wrenching. EVERY. LAST. BIT.
I wasn’t sure
that I had ever felt myself what he was feeling but in a few short weeks’ time,
I would.
My pastor,
Warren Beamer, was my friend long before he was my pastor. We served at Cornerstone
together, but it was a mutual friend after his divorce that had brought us together
and sown friendship into our relationship. I am not going to go into all that
man was to me but just know that over time, he became my family. My brother.
April 1st
brought the news that Warren had been called home and my heart along with those
of his family, friends and all that loved him, BROKE. Faith and I were both
calm on the phone as she told me of the accident but the moment we hung up,
what welled up in my heart was wholly overpowering and I began to not just cry
but mourn almost like you read about in the Old Testament. It was instinctive. Intense.
I am GOOD in crisis.
I know how to keep moving in times of trouble like when blood is present or overwhelming
stress might send others running for the hills and I tied that ability around
me like a comforter when I headed to Baton Rouge to be with Faith, my girls,
and his son. I kept that around me in the weeks to come during the funeral in
Louisiana and the memorial back here in Texas. I moved freely about the cabin
helping where I could, those I could and how I could but when I finally got
back home to me…to my office, my life, my space…I was frozen. Unable and perhaps
unwilling to move forward with any real effectiveness. But as it goes with life,
time did not give me the luxury of what I thought needed, and I forced myself
to stop feeling and MOVE.
Perhaps not the
best decision for my mental health but maybe because getting out of my own head
and starting to again address the needs of work and others helped me take one
step until I could take many and on my own. I still tear up most times I think
of him especially if I am alone and I have WAY too much LSU purple and yellow around
for my Roll Tide heart but sharing with you here and others the absolute
unconditional love Warren bestowed upon each and every person that crossed his
path even if it was a single second is a LEGACY, I am unwilling to tarnish
or allow to wither on the vine.
Warren used to
say, “it’s a good day” even when he did not mean it because it was a truth
revealed to him by God and it sowed in him the ability to LOVE even when he low.
Love God. Love people. That’s the message Warren Beemer brought to the
world. Simple. Profound. He taught me the nature of God (who is LOVE) by
teaching me what it looked like in day-to-day practice to love without conditions,
without borders, without regret.
For I know
the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord,
‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a
future and a hope. Then you will call on Me and you will come and pray to
Me, and I will hear [your voice] and I will listen to you. Then
[with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital
necessity] and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your
heart. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will restore
your fortunes and I will [free you and] gather you from all the nations and
from all the places where I have driven you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will
bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’ Jeremiah 29:11-14
Humanity tells
us that there is no deeper longing than loss, but I disagree. The deepest longing
is love. It is what we are all constantly running towards or from. The reason
we work so hard or cannot work at all. It is why we sing and dance. The reason
art existence. The reason we existence.
With deep love, I sought Him and I
REQUIRED Him and found Him when I searched for Him with all my heart, and I found
Him…but you know what? THIS is what He looked like to me: Meg sending me a book
called, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. Like
finding a purple stone heart in my bed planted there by sister with a note that
read, “even today is a good day”. Like the Hams saying, “you’re our Tif, now”. It
looked like text messages and phone calls. It looked like hugs and kisses on
forehead.
NEVER FORGET THAT YOU are His hands and feet. Love God. Love People. Simple. Profound. Harder than it looks. AND though these might not be the most eloquent words written by me; it is a re-start because LOVE.
