I haven’t
written anything in quite a while. God spoke over me and then began to open
doors to a new adventure. I dreamed and I worked…but then everything I’d
dreamed of and everything I’d worked for fell apart.
I started
off 2019 by reading the book, One Word That Will Change Your Life, by
Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. God spoke over the noise of New Year’s
Day and that night as I laid in bed gave me the word LOVED. As you might
remember if you actually read this blog with any frequency, I laughed at that
because I rarely, if ever feel truly loved but as the year progressed that word
from Him became resoundingly clear to me and for the first time that I could
remember, I felt loved.
As the year
progressed a word was spoken over me:
“There is a
thing in your life the Lord desire to eradicate so that His blessing and
presence will not be cut short or grieved. The hinge is door of opportunity,
but it opens and closes one way…one direction. The door doesn’t swing both
ways. Now, it is open. When you choose to walk through it, it will close behind
you and will not open again. You will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose
and a new hope and blessing. There is an exchange due at the door.” (May 14,
2019)
Soon after,
I was in Midland at our auction and a spark containing a way for an old dream
to come to pass began to emerge from a business conversation with a longtime
friend and colleague. It was clear there was a door opening in our industry
that would allow for a new auction company to come and fill a void. For many
years, this friend and I had dreamed of having our own auction company and the
way we would do things differently from the rest. We had tried several
different combination of things to make it work for us over the years, but
something was always a little off and so we waited but now it seemed God was
opening up the heavens for us and all we had to do was do it right, do it
better.
Unfortunately,
I had not shared my dream with the right person. December 31st, it all
came to an end and ultimately, I had no one to blame but myself because I had misplaced
trust. I trusted someone I thought I knew like the back of my hand, loved like
a brother, believed in wholeheartedly…someone who in the end was unworthy of
trusting with my dream. The loss of the relationship I had held so dearly for
nearly 20 years was more heartbreaking than the loss of the business. I felt
broken and defeated, lost, unloved.
I could not
understand why God would give me this dream that I had hoped for with this
person for so long only to let it fail especially when it had been so obvious
to everyone surrounding us that God had finally opened the door for its
realization just eight short months ago. I could not understand why my friend
whom I believed was a friend closer to me than my own sisters would betray me
so completely. I did not know what to do or where to turn because I was now feeling
abandoned and ashamed. I am in debt without a job, a company, any prospects or
a dream.
I mourned
the loss of my friend and my dream while making my way through the holidays and
my birthday. In truth, I wallowed too long and the lies of what satan wants me
to believe about myself began to sink in and take root: you are a failure, your
dreams are gone, you are insignificant … you know the song the devil sings to
you of despair. I admit I was listening to it on repeat every hour of every day
until finally the thought came: wouldn’t just be easier if I was gone? And of
course, it comes while driving in the rain on a towering overpass.
Wallowing or
not, I know this thought is not my own. It is not at all who God created me to
be. I am the woman who ALWAYS pushed through no matter how gross or ugly it
looks. I know the roots of what God has planted in me are deeper and won’t
allow satan’s schemes any good ground. I pull over at a Sonic for some caffeine
and take a call from a friend. She has been where I am and reminds me, I am not
alone. She tells me not to panic or worry and that she knows what is ahead is
better than what is behind. Her words remind me to go back to what was spoken
over me last May and I read it again seeing the words, “there is an exchange
due at the door.” The words settle over me and I digest them.
A few days go
by and satan’s record begin to play again. It is so easy to fall back into its
song when you are emotionally, spiritually and physically drained BUT it is
Sunday and I am on my way to church so I combat that crap with the word of God
and throw on TD Jakes’ podcast. My Pastor preaches a word that I need, and I cry
on the shoulder of a woman who too has suffered so much loss this past year
having to say goodbye to her husband. She is explaining to me how God gave her
the word prolific for 2020 when I hear someone call, “Tif”? I wasn’t sure I truly
heard my name, so I remain still until I hear it again, “Tif”? “Tif”?
I look up to
see it is my Pastor searching for me. He calls me up front and asks for a microphone.
I shake my head because I am crying so hard, there are no words. He asks, “do
you know how amazing you are”? Me being me, I shake my head no because right
now, how could I possibly feel amazing when I am in a state of defeat? He spoke
about how I am no longer ashamed of the sins God has set me free from and how I
pour love into people… then He looks at me and says, “I know you keep asking
yourself why terrible things keep happening to you but you need to know it is
because satan hates you. He hates you because you never stay down. He hates you
because you are oily (the sermon was about being covered in the anointing of
God) and you always slip through his fingers.” I am not sure what else Pastor
said but I soon find myself surrounded by people praying over me. Touches of
love, each speaking over me as the Holy Spirit leads; words to help sooth me,
lift me, love me. I can’t see them all as some are behind me, but I recognize
the voice of my constant prayer partner, the one who spoke over me in May. I
hear her mother who’s shoulder I had been crying on just moments before. I am fully
ugly crying now…snot and the whole nine yards but that doesn’t stop the arms of
a younger couple I just met in the past 30 days from swallowing me in their arms
and hugging me so hard I had no other choice but to relax in and begin to let
my hurt finally go.
I feel more
like myself right now than I have in a couple of months. The depression has
given away to a new hope and isn’t that what God has promised us not just in His
specific word to me, “ you will cross a threshold of His ordained purpose and a
new hope and blessing” but also in His Word to all of us: For I know the
plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give
you a future and hope—never forget that (Jeremiah 29:11).
It is SO
HARD to remember that you are LOVED when the enemy keeps attacking you through
people you love but I have found that if I stop and look outside myself for
even a second that wrapping my identity of love up in just the one hurting me
is lie because the truth is that for every one person that has betrayed or hurt
me, there are at least three others that truly love me. Right now, I might be
broken by the world’s standards, but I am rich by the Kingdom’s standards. And
so, I have ended 2019 even in the darkest of times with a firm understanding
that I am indeed LOVED. That knowledge has been hard earned, but it is true,
nonetheless.
For I
have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits,
the present, the future, spiritual powers, height, depth, nor any created
thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus
our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
We are
confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something
good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live
according to His plan (Romans 8:28).
Satan hates
me. I know this means I am doing LOVE right. Not perfectly by any means, as my
siblings will be more than willing to tell you, but I am getting it right more
than I am getting wrong and absolutely nothing changes the world like LOVE
does. He knocked me down, but he cannot knock me out and this is no time to
quit! His attacks only make me stronger in the Lord, more useful and of greater
testimony. I am slippery when anointed by The Most High God and He has already
won my battles, defeated every foe, made a table before me in the presence of
my enemies. He is my high tower and I have no one to be afraid of as He is my Light
and Salvation! He is the light at the end of my tunnel.
… no
matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us (Romans
8:37).
Like Peter,
I am being sent down to find the fish with exactly what I need its mouth
(Matthew 17:27). My dream is not over. It was real and it has not been stolen
or denied me. My life is not over, nor has it lost its value. Instead, it is
getting saltier and we all know salt goes great with tequila and testimonies…wink!
wink!
